Getting diagnosed at 42

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I'm probably receiving a diagnose for AS next Wednesday.

I have mainly two reasons for wanting an official diagnosis.

1) I would get a status that would give me the right to receive some state-funded therapies and marriage counseling that is designed for AS needs as well.

2) Getting a diagnosis would probably be the first step in a series of diagnoses in my family. I am pretty sure that at least one of my children has AS, too.

I'm a little drawn back by my wife's reaction. Or rather, the lack of one.

I have tried to discuss Asperger's with her, but she simply does not seem to be interested at all. When I insisted on talking about it, she replied: "What has that to do with me?"

I am a little worried. Perhaps she has kept hoping, that eventually I would change into something more "lovable." And the diagnosis would somewhat ruin that hope, because the wiring in one's brain simply does not change.

I hope that my diagnosis will not be the last drop to push her into the decision to divorce me.

I would think it would be a positive, because now there is an explanation for behaviours that before might have been seen as selfish or unreasonable. Now there's a reason behind them. A diagnosis isn't carte blanche to let it all hang out and do what we like though. Understanding and effort needs to come from both sides.

Hey OddFinn

Welcome to the world of those who've lived (undiagnosed) for years. I'm 55 and was diagnosed with AS a bit over a month ago. It definitely explained a lot of what had happened in my life so far.

Unlike you, my wife was actually the driving force behind my going for a diagnosis. She'd wondered what was 'wrong' (bad word but it is the best that I can think of) with me for years. She 'stumbled' across Aspergers and it all fell into place. Amazing how many boxes I tick but have been able to function reasonably well in the world.

I've got no idea how long you've been married. I've been married for nearly 35 years and yes there have been a number of issues over that time.

I can understand how you feel about the possibility of divorce. I believe we've been close to that some times. Unfortunately, if that happens then there isn't really a lot you could do to prevent it. Hopefully, she'll give it a chance after the diagnosis. There are a number of books around these days that both of you could read to help.

Yes, we are wired differently and we can't change that. However, with some assistance (and compromise from both parties), AS people can learn some strategies that make life a lot better. They do take a bit of work because they definitely don't come naturally.

Feel free to PM me if you want to take the conversation offline.

I'm not sure how a diagnoses is going to help or hurt your situation. Is there an assumption that a dx means you are you and cannot change, whereas not getting the dx means that you are just being obstinate and don't care about changing to save the relationship? If so, that would be a lose lose situation, because the focus is on your ability (or lack thereof) to change. Even for NT/NT relationships, this strategy doesn't work.

This describes my own situation too. I learned about Asperger's and thought, "Geez! That's my husband!" He was about 43 at the time of his diagnosis.

I can actually understand your wife's reaction - "What has that to do with me?" - though it doesn't make a whole lot of sense since she's married to you. Now, I don't mean this in a negative sense, but being married to an Aspie can feel like they are usually focused on themselves and the spouse is way off on some back burner. She may see your revelation as it being "all about you". Again?

It's probably too soon to tell if this well help or hurt your marriage. Some sort of couples therapy with someone who speciallizes in Asperger's could help.

I have known her 22 years. We have been married 18½ years.



Thanks. I'll see the neurologist tomorrow morning, and probably get the official diagnosis.

Yes, it seems that way. She indeed said now that she was interested in my getting a diagnosis and everything. My interest has just become so intense, that I suppose I was disappointed that she was not as enthusiastic about it as myself. That happens often.