Page 1 of 1 [ 16 posts ] 

Miyah
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2007
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 741

27 Mar 2011, 8:25 am

I recently attended a party last night by way of the bus and it turned out to be a great event. However, the buses stop running at 1:00 AM in most cases and I left the party at 12:00 AM which was with a guy who I had recently met in 2010 at a party. Yet, I only see him at singles events and once invited him over for a party and so we are not dating.

I asked him to drop me off at home last night, and he agreed. When driving me home, there was a thunderstorm with lots of rain. When it boiled down to it, he was dropping me off and then shut his car off and asked me if he could come in for a minute until the storm let up. I was already really tired and wanted my own space. I had told him no but he gave me a line and said, "Look, it's really bad weather and since I brought you home." So I agreed even though I really didn't want him there.

I stayed up late to make sure that he would leave. However, I was so tired myself that I went to bed at 1:30, and did not go out to talk to him again. In fact, he stayed over until ten until 9:00 AM when I was still in bed and finally left.

I had even sent him a message on FB explaining that this was my condo and not his and that I really did not feel comfortable with guys sleeping over whom I didn't know. I told him to respect that in the future.

How should I have handled things? In the future, how should I handle guys like this?



ghdcanada
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 20 Aug 2010
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 32
Location: Canada

27 Mar 2011, 9:55 am

All my alarms and whistles are going off. Danger! Danger!
I would distance myself from this person, if it were me, because no means no and if he thinks he can get away with not listening to your wishes, he may be dangerous.
That sounds like a scary situation to be in. If you didn't lock your doors before this, I'd start! And don't let him in if he comes back.
Be safe! NTs may call us crazy but I've seen some pretty scary NTs!!
Lisa



emlion
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Sep 2010
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,641

27 Mar 2011, 9:56 am

If he had a car, why would he need to come in to 'get out of the rain.'? :?
Be careful with letting people into your house.
Say no next time if you're not 100% comfortable.



bethmc
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 10 Mar 2011
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 127
Location: Here and Now

27 Mar 2011, 10:25 am

If he did not want to drive you home, he could've said no. Therefore he made the decision to drive you home and after that, all you really "owe" him is a "thank you."

Yeah, my alarms are going off too - he may be harmless, but why take that chance?

It is your RIGHT to declare the boundaries in your life - always go with your gut (my gut says this guy is a manipulative creep who should never be in your apartment again). Please be safe.


_________________
Diagnosed with High Functioning Autism well into adulthood.
It's never too late to get a diagnosis.
Hell, I thought I was just weird. ;-)

i can (obviously) come off as really abrupt and my tone can sound sharpish, so feel free to ask me to clarify


leejosepho
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Sep 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,011
Location: 200 miles south of Little Rock

27 Mar 2011, 10:36 am

Miyah wrote:
I asked him to drop me off at home ...

That was a mistake unless you already knew him well enough to know for certain he absolutely would not see that as any kind of opportunity for himself. So even though we might all agree he should have acted differently, you had still placed yourself in a potentially-bad situation.


_________________
I began looking for someone like me when I was five ...
My search ended at 59 ... right here on WrongPlanet.
==================================


ediself
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Oct 2010
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,202
Location: behind you!!!

27 Mar 2011, 10:58 am

leejosepho wrote:
Miyah wrote:
I asked him to drop me off at home ...

That was a mistake unless you already knew him well enough to know for certain he absolutely would not see that as any kind of opportunity for himself. So even though we might all agree he should have acted differently, you had still placed yourself in a potentially-bad situation.


I've had lots of friends dropping me off before: noone ever thought it was a ticket into moving in with me, taking advantage of me or refusing to take no for an answer....
It might be safer not to ask people you "only know a little" to drop you off indeed, but that guy was way out of line...
Next time, when someone you owe a LITTLE thing asks for retribution immediately "because of what you owe them", blow them off. You don't have to be impolite, just say "you taking me on a date doesn't mean I'm forced to kiss you if I don't feel like it", "the fact that you paid for my drink doesn't give you the right to expect sex (here's your money back lol)" and: "taking me home doesn't mean being automatically invited, I'm tired and I'm going to bed right now, see you soon! and thanks for the ride"
So much entitlement......



Miyah
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2007
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 741

27 Mar 2011, 12:43 pm

He didn't ask me for sex but he did try to manipulate me like that and I was not impressed. He did respond to my FB but didn't seem to respect what I said. His comment was that he was tired and the weather was a problem. He then told me that he could sleep in the car in the future and to thank me for breaking my rule for him. I mean, we aren't even dating either and he said this to me. So I told him to respect my boundaries in the future and that I was not a doormat and my condo was not a hotel service for him to stay at.



Lene
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2007
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,452
Location: East China Sea

27 Mar 2011, 12:45 pm

Miyah wrote:
He didn't ask me for sex but he did try to manipulate me like that and I was not impressed. He did respond to my FB but didn't seem to respect what I said. His comment was that he was tired and the weather was a problem. He then told me that he could sleep in the car in the future and to thank me for breaking my rule for him. I mean, we aren't even dating either and he said this to me. So I told him to respect my boundaries in the future and that I was not a doormat and my condo was not a hotel service for him to stay at.


Fair enough. Probably should have said it at the time, but it's easy to be taken aback by people being pushy.



Miyah
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2007
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 741

27 Mar 2011, 1:48 pm

He was being very controlling last night and had told me not to use devices during a thunderstorm. Then when I was talking to my sister on Facebook, he asked me if I was crying when in fact I was laughing. I wasn't scared but I am was uncomfortable and maybe angry with him.



emlion
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Sep 2010
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,641

27 Mar 2011, 1:49 pm

Well, luckily it all ended up okay and you're safe.
Just don't make the same mistake again and it should be okay?



wefunction
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jan 2011
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,486

27 Mar 2011, 10:02 pm

It's good that you're safe and at least he seemed upfront this time that a place to crash was all that he wanted and it was all that he took. Some women aren't so lucky, especially with men that they kinda/sorta know. I'm sure if you knew a condition of the lift home was the driver getting to sleep on your couch, you would've gotten another ride! In the future, be firm and short about it. If someone like that ever insists after you politely decline, even using the favor over your head, just say, "I really do appreciate you doing [whatever it was], I'll owe you a [insert applicable beverage here]. Drive safe!" then get out of the car and get into the house.



ediself
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Oct 2010
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,202
Location: behind you!!!

28 Mar 2011, 5:21 am

wefunction wrote:
It's good that you're safe and at least he seemed upfront this time that a place to crash was all that he wanted and it was all that he took. Some women aren't so lucky, especially with men that they kinda/sorta know. I'm sure if you knew a condition of the lift home was the driver getting to sleep on your couch, you would've gotten another ride! In the future, be firm and short about it. If someone like that ever insists after you politely decline, even using the favor over your head, just say, "I really do appreciate you doing [whatever it was], I'll owe you a [insert applicable beverage here]. Drive safe!" then get out of the car and get into the house.

And lock the door.



keerawa
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 23 May 2009
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 154
Location: Seattle

31 Mar 2011, 12:07 am

No way! That doesn't sounds safe, and even if he were Gandhi, I would NOT want anyone in my space. I've found that if people don't respond to polite boundary setting, getting loud and throwing in some curses makes an impression. Some people assume you don't mean it if you're 'nice'.



YippySkippy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Feb 2011
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,986

31 Mar 2011, 7:49 am

The conviction rate for "date rape" is very low.
Be glad all he did is sleep on your couch.
Never let him in again. 8O
Or get in a car with him, for that matter.



Miyah
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2007
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 741

03 Apr 2011, 9:46 am

He hasn't contacted me since I let him know that I was not a door mat or that my condo was not a hotel service. A close friend's husband told me when a guy gets a message like that and doesn't write back, it means that they usually tell themselves not to go over to that house again.



wefunction
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jan 2011
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,486

03 Apr 2011, 4:37 pm

Miyah wrote:
He hasn't contacted me since I let him know that I was not a door mat or that my condo was not a hotel service. A close friend's husband told me when a guy gets a message like that and doesn't write back, it means that they usually tell themselves not to go over to that house again.


I should hope so.