Disabled Children Caring for Disabled Parents

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My psychiatrist thought it significant that I'm flying back to the east coast to see my dad who has Parkinson's and dementia and then to see my disabled BF who is visiting and taking care of his mother with dementia.

I posted about this on another site and a girl said, "take out the word disabled and you'll have a good time."

So shallow, I think. I'm adjusting to my dad's serious problem. I didn't see him the way he is now 6 months ago. It will be a hard transition. Plus, the toll BF's mother has been making on his emotions will make it hard to connect with and support him.

Any tips on how to cope?

...bumping this thread..

Why does no one respond to me? Even if you haven't been in an identical situation, has anyone been in one similar? Does anyone know how I feel?

[I had this sitting in a tab in my browser, couldn't get all my thoughts together, but I'm sending anyway...]

What that girl said is really inconsiderate at the least. It does seem to be on society's list-of-things-that-people-pretend-doesn't-happen.

I wish I had some advice. Both my parents are cognitively and physically declining at the same rate at the same time. I'm slowly overseeing more and more of their affairs, but thankfully it's a gradual process (so far). The hardest part lately is they don't really appreciate their impairments, which makes it a little difficult to agree on what to do at times. And some of their future planning is increasingly unrealistic. It's a bit scary, but so far so good.

Hope things go well when you visit your dad.

A few weeks ago I saw an elderly couple pushing their 50 year old ret*d son in a wheelchair.

I thought "This cannot end well"

God help them all.

Well, I just talked to my dad and he was pretty lucid. His thoughts were organized. It may not be as scary as I think. And the last person who posted is right.. it could be a lot worse.

Thanks for responding. I need all the support I can get.

Tiger, from my personal experience, there's very little informal support for people caring for their old and disabled parents. Most people won't talk about the topic, it's kind of taboo in our era, and many, many people will resent you talking about it because they've abandoned their own parents in some home and forgotten about them and you remind them.

I've been having hell for years with my parents' health, and I've had to do without any support from anyone or any tips or ideas - except the formal organizations. I've wished so badly that someone, anyone, give me a word, a tip, an idea, whatever...but it never happened. My siblings abandoned the parents when they got sick years ago.

The thing with Alzheimer's, if I understand correctly, is that at one moment they're perfectly lucid and another moment you can't have a lucid conversation with them. So that's what you have to be prepared for.

What helped me (and this because apart from the horrendous family situation I was having horrible problems with work and social life too) was to start taking an anti-depressant. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to put up with all the traumatic and painful process of their terrible illnesses and all the work that implied for me, when I don't have anyone for support. But since you're not taking care of his issues, just visiting, maybe pampering yourself a lot and being extra kind to yourself before, during and after the visits will be enough. Be strong in front of him, but it's perfectly ok to cry and be angry, sad, etc. when he's not looking.

You are not alone! I have cared for my sick mom since I was 14. She had crippling arthritis, bipolar, dementia at times (although the doctors would not recognize it even though she thought there were little people moving her chair and that I was her sister), cancer, stroke, and a final heart attack. My father passed when I was 14 and the rest of my family didn't want anything to do with her (she could be quite evil at times). I'm not disabled, but a 14 year old is hardly a qualified care giver. Now my husband has been diagnosed with muscular dystrophy and will likely be in a wheelchair within the next 10 years. My son is 4 and has AS. I worry everyday, if something were to happen to me, who would take care of who and how? My genes suggest that a long life may not be in the cards for me (I'm 31 now).

These are actually fairly common problems that society faces on a daily basis, but I think it's too much of a touchy subject for people to talk about. Support is helpful, but not always possible since others may simply not understand. What's kept me going is a good sense of humor. This is vital in my opinion. If we don't laugh, we'll cry and who wants to do that? Watch a funny movie or read a funny book. Try to surround yourself around genuinely happy people (even if you can't always relate). Laughter truly is contagious and it's the best medicine for the soul (whatever that is ). But no, you are certainly not alone!

Indeed, humor when with my father helps a lot. Also, taking them to nice places that I enjoy too, makes the whole experience of the visit less """tragic"""" for me. Even if it's just a nice little garden with lovely flowers. It all depends on finances and their health, of course, but if you can take them out, you yourself will feel a lot better. That said, I live in a place where it's always warm enough to take sick/old people out, even to the beach.

http://www.sacbee.com/topstories/story/ ... ni_popular

What will society do with us once we become too much of a financial burden? Kill us?