Dealing with Vulnerability

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Today I am feeling a little vulnerable. It is my late husband’s birthday and I miss him. He crossed over about 7 years ago. Perhaps because of this I am feeling a little disoriented.

He anchored me. Today I have no anchor, so I am trying to find my own. I have discovered so much about myself lately. I guess the psychological assault this last school semester is what put it into motion. This semester I determined to try to protect myself from being damaged, but I was not successful. This helped me to understand, not only do I not have the ability to damage other people, but I cannot protect myself from them either. It seems like from my perspective NT’s always damage other people. It is how they feel good about themselves. It gives them a feeling of superiority. My inability to damage them back makes me not be able to take care of myself. The result is I am autistic and I cannot defend myself.

This really began to sink in as I have looked back over my life. At one place I worked, I remember having my own office even when I was only entry level. When we moved to the new building I shared a cubicle with a secretary person. One afternoon one of my bosses came and told me he was going to separate our cubicles. I asked him what it was I had done for this to happen. He replied to me I had done nothing. It was to protect me.

At the time I thought it was an odd remark, but I just went back to work and did not really think about it any further. Now that I have discovered the inability to take care of myself, the remark came back to my thought. Now I understand what he meant. I did not know I was an aspie then. I did not understand how amazing it was to work at a place where they took the time to care about a person like me. I have worked in places where no one cared, so now I understand things I did not understand before.

It is difficult to deal with this vulnerability because I do not believe there is anything I can do to change this about myself. I am an aspie without the ability to damage another human being. I try to put things into place to protect myself, but it is difficult to achieve such things. Apparently NT’s like to have the availability to damage people, even people without the ability to damage them back.

It has brought a strong realization of just how vulnerable I am and I am having difficulty dealing with it. It also is difficult to know that I spent my whole life not understanding myself very well. Now that I am beginning to understand, dealing with the issues that are becoming more apparent can be a little overwhelming at times.

It would be very much appreciated to hear if any other aspie has experienced similar situations, and what are some ways to deal with these types of things.

Thank you so very much.

Cyndi

As a male Autie, I have studied the black arts. I'm not talking about witchcraft but rather trade craft. I recommend books by George Hayduke and the likes. Learning such tactics will instill the confidence that you can turn even the biggest bully into a cowering wreck. I don't recommend using such methods unless it is a matter of life and death. However knowing some of these tricks and explaining to friends or associates how they work (NOT BY MAKING THREATS) will usually do the trick.

Cyndi,
I'm just now coming to learn about AS; I just got the diagnosis last week. And 'though it explains a lot, it leaves me feeling very vulnerable also.

But the question of vulnerability needs to be seriously examined. In my observations of the world around me, I can see that NTs are every bit as vulnerable as I am... they grieve their loved ones, their spouses, children, parents, pets. They freak out when they lose a job. They feel threatened when someone looms over them and yells, seems unpredictable. They suffer infirmaties, disabilities, and death too.

Our vulnerabilities may differ, but the experience is the same... I've listened to my NT friends as they express fear, insecurity, vulnerability, disorientation, oversensitivity... everything.

Vulnerabilities are ours to work with... we're the only ones who know what makes us feel vulnerable and what helps us feel safe. For me, the more whole and complete I feel, the safer I feel.

It seems like your husband was where you thought your safety came from. To a certain extent that was true... take a look at what he provided: did he interpret the world in a way you could understand (important for Aspies)? Did he take on all the difficult stuff in your life so you didn't have to deal with it? Was his physical presence reassuring? etc.

Once you figure out the specific qualities, you can begin to find new ways to provide that for yourself... perhaps in ways that don't depend on other human beings (they can be so fickle, it's sort of setting yourself up).

And as you become reacquainted with your own inner strength and security, you can find that it is not so dependent on externals at all, but on your own heart/mind.

There's a truth in the feeling we are fragile... we are, everyone's lives are so tenuous. AND we are also incredibly strong and brilliant; look for that in your day, shift your focus from the broken bits to the wholeness already there.

Blessings,
DB

When I first was diagnosed with autism, I was relieved that I finally understood why I was different and more importantly, that there were other people like me. It was a relief in that sense, but it was also very shocking to have confirmation of just how different I really am. Before the diagnosis I could say I am my own person and everyone would smile and it was okay. It is a much different reaction when you say I am autistic. I think that when a person is first diagnosed, it takes a while for it to truly sink in and to accept. My lips were saying I am autistic, but on some level it was still difficult to believe it was truth.

It took me months before I got past the initial shock of it to understand that it is okay to be different. I think I am only now beginning to understand what it is to be autistic. There have been a couple of professors who have went to some extent to help me to understand that the way I process thought is okay, and it is okay to be different. There has been one counselor who helped in a very large way. My Mom supports me beyond all belief. But in the end it is as you have said, it is what we believe about ourselves in our heart that truly does define how we view who we are and what our life is designed to be.

I like what cyberscan has in his/her note at the bottom of the post, “I am AUTISTIC - Always Unique, Totally Interesting, Straight Talking, Intelligently Conversational.

It is how I have come to understand that I am. I am designed to be all of those things and more, as we all are. And it is good to have a place to come to where there are people like me.

The largest thing in my life has always been to have someone to share my deeper thought with.....I think what you said about my husband being the one person who understood me was a valid thought. I think I did come to cherish this strength in his character perhaps more than I even realized. He always listened to everything I had to say. We had very beautiful discussions about physics and life.

It has been a truly remarkably rough semester at school. I am being mobbed. I read an article that aspies are the group who are mobbed the most because we are “normal” enough to fit in, but just different enough to stand out. This study was conducted by the government. They said that low-functioning autistics and regressive autistics were the least likely to be attacked. My guess is they are very protected because their disability is more noticeable. High functioning autistics are singled out too as are people with ADHD. We (aspies) are the group with the most vulnerability and experience the largest amount of attacks.

It is true that I do not understand NT’s. I do not understand why they behave the way that they behave. I do not believe I will ever have understanding about this issue. Your thought about inner strength and security being dependent upon what is in our heart rings true. There are strengths forming in my heart. I know I would never want to be a part of a group that damages other human beings. I know it sounds sort of Disney or something, but as much as they damage me, the more rooted I become in my belief that this is not acceptable behavior and I become more committed to the way in which I will live my life each day. It will not include damaging behavior.

I know I am designed for a purpose (physics). I know it is my destiny. I consider it a true blessing to be so remarkably able for deeper thought, and an outside-the-box perspective. I am the line that is drawn through the A. Everyone else starts in the arc and ends up at the point at the top of the A. I am the line across the middle. There are specific things I am designed to do. I try to remember this on those days when I am hurting and/or being hurt.

I know all things work together for my good. I know this. Some days are just harder than others.

Thank you both for caring enough to post.

Cyndi

Hello CyndiAn,

I understand what you mean when you say your husband anchored you. I rely on mine to interpret the world of NTs; the difference between what people say and what they really mean, their motives, what is an 'appropriate' response to something. (And how does this come naturally to some people, that they just immediately understand the behaviour of others. It seems amazing to me. It's something I've tried to understand by studying psychology which has helped a little but is too mentally tiring and time consuming for most everyday situations)

I always feel like I flounder when out amongst people, but it hasn't been all negative. I have always told myself that the world is mine too, it is not just for 'normal' people, but the mirror the outside world holds up to me shows a rather strange person, an 'odd duck'. I work at accepting that 'odd duck' is OK

I have a kind of intuition sometimes about what situations might give me problems, usually interractions with too many people at the same time. I find one to one communication is easier, and that helped at work too. Is there someone at work you could talk to about being mobbed and maybe help put you in a position where you feel more secure? Do you have anyone there who could help you if you explain the situation?

I think NTs do experience vulnerability. I think they often hide it behind a persona, a mask, maybe people with AS don't have this mask, or it is only a very thin one...that's what I've been thinking lately.

DonkeyBuster said

Yes. I often feel vulnerable, but sometimes it's not 'reality', it's an inner feeling that I project onto the world. In some way I've not fully understand yet, I give the world too much power to hurt. (Not that it can't also do that without any help from me, but in some strange way I think I also contribute to it)

I wonder if it would help you to keep a journal? To express your thoughts and feelings that way, like having a long conversation with yourself. I think maybe that would help 'stengthen' you, help you to get in touch with your strong core self.

Some days are harder than others, yes. WP is a good place to be on bad days. I hope things get easier for you soon.

I think you are on a wonderful journey of self-discovery! Good luck.

Yes, the freakishness of really, truly being different. And being scapegoated and completely misunderstood by others. I agree with you, Cyndi, I don't want to be mean, rude, thoughtless or inconsiderate like so many NTs... not all, fortunately, but certainly most of them.

It does sound like you've got some people on your side... that's such a big help. I've only got my partner at this stage, and I worry about loosing her. All my life I've only had one or two friends at a time, which makes me very vulnerable if they disappear. Hopefully now I'll understand better how to form and maintain beneficial relationships outside my marriage, consciously build more of a support system for myself.

The info about Aspies being the most attacked is interesting and kinda depressing. My therapist discribes it as being the nail that sticks up and gets smacked down... we always seem to be the ones that stick up. It sure seems to be born out in my experience. Still formulating my strategy for that... I'm a visual thinker, so we're trying to find the 'films' that will give me the behavior to not stick up quite so much.

You're fortunate that your interest is in physics... the high number of Aspies in that field must create at least a little more tolerance and understanding? I wanted to be a zen priest... looks like that's not going to happen anymore.

I'm also just 'normal' enough to pass and just odd enough to be misunderstood and attacked. This new diagnosis helps me understand why and I sure hope it helps me come up with better strategies.

Starr, you nicely restated what I was trying to say... it's often [usually?] our inner landscape that makes us feel vulnerable rather than any objective view. Vulnerability is in large part a feeling and that's inside and that's ours and what we can work with independent of externals.

Today I'm just trying to get my equilibrium back from being told not to join my teacher for retreat because she doesn't have the energy right now to deal with the project of working this all out consciously. She's just recently been diagnosed with hypothyroidism and is very low energy, but it's pretty depressing to think I'm a burden rather than a help and support to her. If I hadn't said anything about the AS, I'd probably be there now, trying some new strategies, being able to help her, sitting zazen [which I could really use right now]. Instead I feel isolated, rejected and defective.

It's nice to meet you all here and have some thoughtful exchange.
Blessings,
DB

First, Donkey Buster, if you want to be a Zen Priest, BE a Zen Priest. I do not know very much about zen. My impression of it is there is a lot of meditation involved combined with a lot of deeper thought. I can see how that would be attractive to an aspie. We have the ability for deeper thought as no other group of people are able to achieve.

The condition your friend is referring to really does zap energy. I had a mentor who was a geophysicist for the state of Virginia. He had a similar condition. He did not have the energy to mentor me. I felt the same way you are describing as it did seem personal until I researched the condition and acquired an understanding of it.

It kind of seems like your friend might respect the fact that you take zen very much to heart and she may recognize you have an ability for deeper meditation in which she does not have the same level of ability. You have the ability for deeper thought that perhaps an NT may not have the ability to accommodate or keep up without a lot of additional focus. This is one of the things that makes us so special. We are uniquely designed for thought which can be deeper than some NTs. I do not think she means anything negative. Perhaps she is just acknowledging your giftedness with her commentary. It is something to consider.

Thank you, Starr. There are times when I have perfect understanding of an NT, but then there are times when I am not certain of their meaning or intent. Sometimes I ask them if they are sincere or just being polite, and I tell them it will not hurt my feelings if they are being polite. Then there are the occasions when everyone else in the room gets it, but I am without understanding. It does not happen so much as it used to, but it does still happen on occasion. I used to think people where shallow. But now I understand it is not them. It is me. I am deeper than most people.

The mobbing situation is not at work. It is at school. I had some difficulty when it first started happening at school because the PhD counselor I was consulting with did not believe I was being mobbed. Apparently if you have an amazingly high ability to learn, you tend to obsess. She believed this is what was occurring. This really knocked my confidence in my ability to be a human being. I think that perhaps with any disability, if you have a situation where you are being attacked, you have the understanding that your disability makes you always be wrong even when you are not wrong. So I spent an entire school year being attacked without the ability to believe anyone would do anything about it. Then someone turned in two of the bully’s for bullying me, and they almost lost the scholarship over it. Almost……almost. I never received any apology. The mobbing did worsen.

This school year it intensified. I came upon the realization that I do not have a true ability to defend myself because I would never damage another human being with intent. So the best I could do would be to try to protect myself. I filed a report with the campus police, to the best of my knowledge, no action was taken. I went into the student government association to request safety measures be put into place. No action was taken.

For the most part I understand there is zero tolerance for victims and 100% support for abusers. So the best I can do is to continue to move forward with the understanding that I am not like these people. I do not have any desire to be like them. I am autistic and I would not want to be anything other than what I am. My hope is the next school will be different. My Mom says it will be and I have to believe that it will.

One thing that helps me which might be useful for both of you too is I tend to go into physics when I am upset. It is my passion, so I find it to be a great place to be me and be okay. I go very deeply into whatever thought I am considering at that time. Usually if I spend a little time there, it makes me feel better.

I do journal my physics thought. I used to post a lot of it online hoping there would be someone with a same interest. My Mom made me promise not to do this. I am still an undergraduate, but I have an ability for physics. She thinks that until my formal education and my math skills catch up with my ability, there will be people who will take advantage of my giftedness. So I journal a lot of my thought and teach myself more physics than what I believe most students will ever encounter in a lifetime. It does help too.

I also read physics papers, which is not the same as having a conversation with a person about physics, but sometimes when that wave of shallow chatter starts washing over me, I can read physics papers and find a deeper thought that helps me a lot. Reading physics papers gives me hope because I know there must be people out there somewhere like me or these papers would not be written.

I do not know if this will be helpful to either of you, but I keep a folder on my desktop which I call “Drawing Cyndi.” I place documents in there that help me to be better able to understand myself. I also have been collecting techniques which help me with some of the issues unique to aspies. An example would be a tutor assisted me with a difficult situation with a graph. I was looking at the graph and it was changing into motion that was not consistent with what we were being taught in the math class. I tried to focus on what the teacher was teaching us to make this not occur with this graph (Please understand, these things happen on occasion only. Most of the time the graphs do not do this and I am able to connect and learn.) The tutor took the graph and divided it into two parts. She placed one part at the top of the paper and the other part at the bottom of the paper. She explained each part of the graph separately. After I had understanding of each section, I could put the graph back together and did understand what the teacher was teaching us. I now can see the graph both ways. These type of things are very valuable to me because they are tools that help me to be better able to learn.

Wow, this is really long. My sincerest apologies about that.

Cyndi

Cyndi,
I appreciate your long posts, so don't worry about that. It helps me sort out what you really mean. And it also gives me permission to run on a bit...

The difficulty with BEING a zen priest is someone else has to make you one and it's only after years of training... I've put in 8 years with this dear person, thinking I had as good a chance as the next person, and now I find out 'No, probably not'.

I get that hypothyroidism is a real energy vampire, but the fact that she feels I draw energy from her rather than give her energy is a depressing realization.

I do use my buddhist studies the same way you use your physics. It is my refuge, for sure. Meditation is trickier, what with the intrusive obsessive thinking and subsequent emotional overloading. Right now, with this new identification, it's pretty sporadic. I'm getting better at pulling out of the emotional spins, but there's more to do there.

I use the 'checking in' technique with NTs too. I think it's very helpful and it'd be helpful if they checked in with me, too.

As for the harrassment at school... that sucks. And there is of course more you can do... just like sexual harrassment at work, it's about documenting the ocassions so that a pattern of abuse can appear and be substantiated. You might look into how to prepare for making a sexual abuse/harrassment allegation... it seems like a lot of the techniques would work in your case as well. Even if you don't pursue it at this place, it'll be helpful info for future occurrences elsewhere. It will also be a balance to any real or imagined obsessing... either there is a lot of evidence or there isn't. You don't sound like someone who is much into misleading herself.

And it's part of making the world safer and protecting each other... where would we be if not for the women who stood up to sexism in science? (I was a biology major)

And rude people experiencing the consequences of their actions is not unjustified harm... it's experiencing the same law of consequence you and I are subject to. Wouldn't you turn in someone who was bullying/harming a child? The consequences they experience have been created by themselves... and maybe you will be bringing them great benefit if it helps them learn a little compassion and restraint.

Thank you so much for reminding me today about our strengths... I really need to hear that these days. I can focus deeply and the associative logic I have is a rare and precious gift...

The way I defend myself is by keeping obsessive records of events and communications, which is essentially what DonkeyBuster is suggesting. It means everything in such cases because, otherwise, people will try to find any way to dismiss your account of events. Even when I have stacks of evidence, I still doubt myself; but when others look at the evidence, they reassure me I am not imagining things.

They are like you in some ways (e.g., detail-focused and academic), but they really cover the entire spectrum of humanity; e.g., from *sshats to more decent types.



I too do this and find it very helpful. This was especially so when learning about my autism.

Thank you for your replies.

I do keep a journal with the more severe attacks. I document them as much as possible. I have this continuing thought that at some point I will be attacked physically. I try to stay out of situations and places where this is likely to occur. If I survive such an attack, I will have the evidence to share in court. I have been trying my best to get some assistance concerning the mobbing. No one cares. As I have stated in previous posts, I have been to the campus police. I have been before the Student Government Association. I have discussed with many, many people about the situation. The two students that were actually chastised for this behavior 2 semesters ago actions toward me actually worsened.

I now understand there is nothing anyone is going to do. I am doing everything I know how to do to protect myself. I am more aware of my surroundings, which is something I had to learn to do because I can be very deep in thought and not truly notice. I am keeping the journal. I park in places not so isolated or obstructed from view. I do everything I can. I only have 3 more semesters before I can transfer to a different school. So I stay as focused as possible and work hard to maintain my 4.0. It is all I know to do.

Thank you for the comment about expressing myself. People say that I am very well written. My response is to tell them it is how I express myself. My words are not always as expressive. There are times when I have trouble making my thought small enough to speak. But if I am given some time, I generally can place my expression into written words. When I write, I look at it and see all of the things I have left out (detail, which from my perspecitve is amazingly important). Other people say I have written too much. It is all about perspective.

Survival of the fittest. By who's stadard is the "fittest" measured? There are people who measure success by the amount of money a person may or may not have. There are people who measure success by the amount of knowledge a person may or may not have. There are people who measure success by the color of a person's skin. There are people who measure success through family bonds. There are people who measure success by which gang a person belongs too. There are people who measure success by social standards established by who excaclty?

Further, the whole evolution thing is complex because you have to ask yourself can a human being (or a group of human beings) evolve into a higher state of intelligence which does not include damaging other human beings? Perhaps being asperger is a form of evolution. My perspective is much different than an NT perspective. I have this thought that everyone is designed to have something to contribute. And whatever it is in your heart that you do so very well is a great contribution to society as a whole. So what gives a person the right to be more exalted than another person?

It seems like to me the more important a person feels they are, the more out of touch with reality they become. We all should be able to work together and respect each other no matter who we are or what we are designed to do.

I do not believe killing people like me before I am born is a positive response. I have this theory that some autistic people are not able to communicate with other people because their thought is directed in a different way. I think in images. There are times when someone has to find a way to explain to me what it is everyone else understands and I am missing. Perhaps an autistic person who can communicate only with simple images could communicate even more greatly if someone took the time to unravel the way in which his/her thought process actually worked. It seems like regressive autism needs a great deal more of research.

Aborting a child before the child has a chance to be born is insane. As an autistic person, I find this amazingly shocking. I have a great deal to contribute. I have more than proven I can contribute great things in a positive way. I am certain as my education continues and the expansion of knowledge occurs, I will contribute in a positive way even more than I ever have. So to say I should never have been born ---- it is completely insane.

The brain has the ability to reroute and to adjust to certain learning behaviors. I believe this is how I learned to learn math. I spent 24/7 studying math by repeating it over and over and over. I had horrible, horrible, headaches. But now I can learn math, and I learn it well. I have read physics articles discussing how student brains have to be "trained" to learn specific disciplines like physics. If this is so, why can we not find a way to unravel some autistic thought patterns.

I am not saying we should become like NTs. I would never want to be anything other than what I am. I am saying why can't we find a way to learn something both ways. I learned the graph from the perspective of an NT, but I retained the motion of it from the perspective of an aspie. It is like speaking two languages, only instead of language, it is perspective. It seems like learning in both perspectives is a place for coexistence to begin.

Furthermore, how can an NT determine I am so different I will not be able to contribute to society in a positive way? Based on what? I would truly like to know how truly gifted, intelligent people are cosidered to not have a positive impact on society? Just because a person does not squish into someone else's definition of success does not mean they should not have a right to exist. ARGH

Where did Alba's post go? It was here and I responded to it in my previous post. Now it is gone. What happned to it?

Cyndi, sorry for deleting my post. I often post before thinking...blurt things out....come on too strong. When I go back and read a post and it seems too forceful--as this one did--I edit or delete. Very sorry. You gave a beautiful reply. I need to think things through more prior to posting.

I remember saying something about narcissists being the template held up for all of us to emulate. That may or may not be true.

I also said something about either we fight for our survival or we will be extinguished. That also may or may not be true.

Also I have repeatedly said that the Aspie mentality is perfectly suited for the quickest possible advancement of a technological civilization. It seems to be up to us to prove it. That probably IS true.

You are a lovely person, Alba, and I appreciate you reposting.

I have this thought that if people look up to narcissists, then it is a personal choice that each person makes to do so. Perhaps this is one reason I am being mobbed because I do not look up to narcissists. I am asperger. I have the ability to look at a person's heart and decide for myself. I may not have the ability to attack another person, but I have learned since the nightmare of mobbing came into my life that I do have the ability to stand by what I know is right. Many people speak about what they would or would not do in a situation such as I have, but you really do not know how you will respond until you have experienced it. The evil of mobbing has made me stronger in my conviction to be a decent, positive human being. It does not make it not hurt. Because it does hurt to be psychologically assaulted. It is something no one should have to experience. But in some ways it has assisted me to grow as a person. Donkey Breaker shared great insight when writing I should learn to depend on myself. It is something I have taken to heart.

This feel like a very positive thread.

Sorry, I thought you were a lecturer at a school, rather than a student. I get the wrong end of the stick sometimes.

Narcissists are strange. I've met a few in my lifetime and I've always got the feeling about them that they are hollow/empty inside. No warmth from them at all. They can't allow other people to be how they are, they must tell them how to think, how to behave, like they hold the rules of society. They don't of course, but other people are afraid of them because they are often bullies.

I think anyone who is different 'annoys' some people, I don't know why that should be, like maybe they see it as an insult because not only are we not like them, but don't have an interest in becoming like them. Strange isn't it? But all we can be is ourselves - which is good; unhurtful human beings...what I like about people with AS is that there is no pretence, we are exactly as we appear to be.

Wow, Starr. That is EXACTLY my same thought about two of the non-student bullies. Exactly. I stay out of their respective areas as much as possible. They find me. They find me, attempt to damage me, and then pretend like they are my best friends. They are not honest. Often I have thought the exact same thought you have described specifically to these two people. Amazing.

It is true we (people with AS) are genuine. My thought is we are honest and sincere. It seems like there are people who view these traits as weakness. I consider these qualities to be stellar. It is one of the things that makes me glad to be asperger.

This article might be helpful CyndiAn, (and anyone else who has to deal with narcissists on a regular basis) -

http://www.articlesbase.com/self-help-a ... 63271.html

At least it may be helpful to understand how they function and to know that it is they who have a problem...often they can make us feel like they're OK and everyone else who's wrong. That's part of the syndrome.

This may be helpful too:-

http://www.helium.com/items/227123-how- ... narcissist