Advise needed on female AS partner.

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First time poster here.

I am a mid 40's male living with/engaged to a mid 40's female that is an aspie. She has not been officially diagnoised but went in to be tested about a week ago and she is waiting for the results of the evaluation.

I have read as much as I can about AS the last 3 weeks and it explains a lot of her behaviour. She has a son (mid 20's) who we both believe to be AS as well. She is educated, intelligent, hard working, very fair with financial issues and housework and is very loyal.

I think I will be able to adapt to the sensory issues (not liking to be held or even touched at times, having a very bad reaction to certain sounds, smells or textures etc) but we are constantly butting heads over parenting issues. I have two kids from a previous marrige that live with us part time. They are, IMO, good kids. They do well in school, have friends, and, IMO are basically well adjusted. I'm not saying they are perfect. They do what kids their age like to do sometimes. They make noise. The laugh at stupid TV shows. They don't always do their chores perfectly. You know, they're kids. They're a work in progress. But all in all they're good kids. Their teachers at school and friends and family all seem to feel the same way, and I've asked them directly.

My AS partner (who happens to be an educator) feels that her way of doing things is the only "right" way of doing things. There is never any room for another point of view, adjustment or change in the schedule. She is very quick to criticize and very slow to compliment. Any slight change in plans or deviation from what she considers 'the rules" sends her to the bedroom in a rage. To be fair, she does not directly yell at the kids but goes through me, making me feel like my kids are just rotten and I'm the worst parent in the world. If one of them clinks their fork on their plate when eating & my partner is in one of her moods, she gets mad. If the bathroom doesn't get cleaned by the kids "just right", it's a major issue. The main thing that bugs me I think is that she seems to be so wound up and focused on the little details she can't see the overall picture, that basically I'm an OK dad & my kids are normal, pretty good kids in the overall scheme of things.

Help me please. What can I do, what can we do to move past some of these problems? Thanks in advance.

Sorry if this comes off as harsh.. but the way I see it - this is just the way that she is and you can either learn to live with it or move on. I don't really see how any of us can give you any advice to make her change.

Hey, that's cool, no offence taken. You might be right in the end. But that's a tough way to go through life too, not being able to compromise a bit or make accomodations. A person could end up very lonely and unhappy.

Last edited by granatelli on 01 Apr 2009, 3:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I found this post on a Twitter feed and immediately rushed over with thoughts that this may be my husband.

PHEW! *wipes brow*

Anyhow, back to you!

Have you discussed these issues with her?

How long has it been since she has suspected that she may have an ASD?

Has she spent any time digging deep and looking at all the ways that this disorder may be affecting her life?

Has she been able to paint a clearer picture for you? Have you'd ruled out OCD (often very rigid in their thinking, as well)?

If I have a clearer picture, I can give it some thought and would be happy to break some of them down for you:)

I am a female in my 30's, a wife and mother of 2 girls on the spectrum. I have yet to be diagnosed, but am currently participating in an Autism Genome Project with my family and will be formally assessed next week by a well known Dr. that has done some work with Simon Baron-Cohen.

There is absolutely, no doubt in my mind that this is the case for me...so feel free to lay it all out and I will do my best.

I'm not your husband, don't worry. : )

We have discussed it somewhat but have not really pushed it too hard yet. I'm waiting for her to get her official diagnosis.

OCD? Maybe, but she does not think so. She has two children that are definetly on the spectrum though IMO.

We've been dealing with rigidity issues since we first started dating. It's only since she's been having trouble at work and a co worker suggested getting tested for AS though has it really been out in the open. This was about a month ago.

She knows that it causes her issues but she only jokeingly suggests that everyone else is the problem, not her. She can not bend or give if she feels she is right. This goes down to the smallest point or thing. She can rarely see the overall picture because she is so focused on the tiny details.

I think this is good advice. Don't expect her to change - but you can learn to understand her.

I highly recommend Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships - it seems to be full of good, positive strategies for learning to understand AS. (It also opened my eyes as to how neurotypical people view those of us with AS, in the context of a loving relationship.)

Best of luck, granatelli.

While it's never a good idea to remain in a relationship under the pretense that you can change the person, I do think some accomodation is needed here.
Surely there were some adjustments to the enviroment & routine she had to make when she moved in with you. Having Asperger's doesn't mean we're incapable of change - it just means we don't intuitively know/do what everyone else does. We have to stop and think and understand.
I wonder if she understands what she's so upset about.
Whenever I'm upset about my nephews, it's because I worry about whether they'll be successful and happy in life. Sometimes that gets me hung up on details like the mess, but it helps to take a step back and remember what I'm worried about in the first place. I know some very happy, successful, very messy people. So I really don't have anything to get all worked up about afterall.

Anxiety in people with Asperger's tends to be tied to feelings of losing control. If she's an educator, she's probably used to being the one in control of the situation whenever she's around kids. When you're there and they're your kids, you're in control. If she wasn't entirely comfortable with that, I could see why she might nitpick about silly things like that - just looking for a way to externalize that she would be doing things differently if she was in control.

Maybe both (or all!) of you could sit down and decide on an explicit set of rules for the kids or for the house. Argue about it and make it into something you both understand and agree on - then she'll have some ownership in the situation. Write it down, and if she DOES lose her temper, she'll have something contrete and agreed upon to help her see the big picture. And if the kids actually break the rules, she'll have grounds to get them heck directly instead of giving it to you.

Generally it helps to stop and think and realize what she's really upset about.
When my husband has to remind me to calm down and look at the big picture I get mad at him because I feel patronized, but it still helps.

Whether she yells at the kids or not, they probably know what's going on anyway. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. This could be quite the stressor for them to feel like they're causing problems for you or that she doesn't accept them as they are. Marrying someone means also accepting their family, especially when children are involved. She has a responsibility to you and to them to make this relationship functional. She may never be completely over it, I'm sure she can come to something everyone can live with.

If she's heading off to the bedroom in a rage over little things all the time and it's even affecting work, she might consider cognitive behavioural therapy to help get those emotions in check. Constant stress like that can wreak havoc on a body.
Good luck!

Changes in routine or planned activities can be very troubling. I don't get angry when it happens, but I do find it to be very confusing. I don't think the advice that you should just accept her behavior and move on is appropriate either. I don't deal with change the way an NT would, but I have learned not to react with anger or make friends/loved ones feel bad because I can't cope with change. She needs to accept responsibility for her own actions whether they're caused by an ASD or not.

Try to give her as much advance notice as possible when plans change or routine is disrupted. Expecting a fork not to clink now and again is unreasonable; I do understand that particular sensory issue, as I have a similar one. If she's having sensory issues, she can step away until she can handle them or perhaps use earplugs to diminish the sound.

I met with a student last week who wore metal bangles/bracelets which clinked loudly and caused me a great deal of sensory difficulty. It was very difficult to continue the meeting normally, but I didn't have the option of becoming angry with her or yelling at her for having bracelets that made noise. She needs to try and figure out coping strategies for these issues.

It's also possible that her 'moods' are exacerbated by issues at work. If one of her colleagues suggested she see a professional for an ASD assessment, has she had trouble at work or issues with colleagues?

Thanks to all that replied. I am more than willing to try & make some accomodations. That's what a relationship is all about. But you know how hard change can be for an aspie. The whole "rules & rigidity" thing. Part of raising kids is being able go with the flow sometimes and "slightly bend" the rules. I mean, we're raising kids here, not little Marines! : ).

A huge portion of her stress is, IMO, brought on by her work situation. And the work situation is bad IMO because of her AS. She has a very hard time "giving" a little. She is right, they are wrong, she is following the rules and they are not. And the thing is technically she's right. But she comes off like a bull in a china shop when dealing w/management. She has very little diplomacy or tact. She figures "I'm right, so why do I have to pretend that I can see their side of things?". OK. But they're management & she is an employee. So round and round it goes...

Thanks again to all for the advise, I really appreciate it.

Granatelli, this is a very good thread and rises important issues.
we are wired the way we are. It is not easy living wiht AS (or autism of any kind,) although it has its benefits and most of us willnot want to change who we are.

Changes in routine and plans is hell for us. I function best with written schedules and have only just found this out at age 46 thanks to an autism psychologist who is helping me. If we go out, it has to be in accordance with the written schedule. People are learning to accommodate me on this. I cannot help who I am. I can at times compromise.

The other thing is you must STOP expecting that she will be able to change these things via normal therapy processes or through processes of change that are open to you and easy for you.
We really are wired differently.

As for forks clinking --- the solution in my home is that i no longer sit at the table. People with autism can find groups hellish. Sitting at dinner and trying to process the facial expressions, the intonations, the conversation and the noises is just hell fo some of us. It leads to meltdowns and over-reactions and one little sound or fork clink can be the clincher.

It sounds as if you are expecting of her things she may never be able to change. There may be other areas where she is able to compromise and each relationship must find its way with this by incorporating the AS or autism into the equation and working with WHAT IS and not a normal ideal of what a relationship might entail between two similarly wired adults.

Sensory issues are ver difficult for some of us. Can she use an ipod or earplugs? that is the solution any good AS psych will give you. our sensory issues may fluctuate from day to day, but they cannot be altered. we have what is like a heightened fight or flight response and she cannot help that. she may always react in such a manner, so it needs accommodating and accepting and then you can all work with it and be happy. (back to the earplugs suggestion and the ipod.)

My bet is the issue with you kids is not so much them per se, but that their presence will disrupt the kinds of routines and systems she has in place in the home to help her feel safe and ok in the world. Any disruptio - especially those involving "the social creature that is known as the human being" can be tortuous for us. My bet is she loves them, but cannot cope with their nrmal adolscent or boyish beaviours because it is outside ofher realm of being and experiencing the world. I am a mother, and this is how that kind of thing can be for me.

I am not a "marines"mum, but i can relate to that in some ways - the need for sameness.
I am in a terrible state at present because my normal day routine (i work alone and at home) is disrupted by the holidays and my son and ex are both at home.

as for the work issues and stresses there....We people with Autism need to keep stress to a minimum. I cannot work with people because it is just too much and too dificult and hellish and leads to all the issues you mention. I am a whistle-blower par-excellence, which wins me no friends and influences no people!
Do you both need her income?
Alternatively, find an AS or Autism specialist who can help her with some of these issues and how to deal with them.

good luck on your journey.

Good luck and i hope you find solutions and can all work with what is and not what might be or could have been.

Millie. Thank you for your well thought out response. Many of your issues are the same she is dealing with. She too, is a "whistle blower". She just can not stand it if her co workers do not follow the rules. That includes administration, which has caused her an untold amount of problems and stress.

One thing I am trying to understand is that while I know people with AS process things differently and do not "get" why NT types do some of the things that we do (I know, we are so irrational! : )) can someone with AS ever be able to "let things go" & roll with the punches if they understand that it is important to their partner?

Being controlling is not an Asperger's trait. In fact, it's a strong AS trait to have a "live and let live" attitude. Aspies have personalities, however, apart from AS traits. If you're in a relationship with a controlling partner you should seek advice in a relevant forum. So many with AS partners who are jerks come here thinking it's the AS that makes them so. Well no, controlling behavior is not caused by neurology.

Thanks for your reply. As I understand AS, while people with AS are not always control freaks they often come off that way because they need to control their environment because if everything is not "just so" they feel unsafe & this causes stress. See what I'm trying to say? While they don't set out to be controlling jerks they end up looking that way to friends, family & co workers because they have such a rigid set of routines & schedules. The whole "rigid thinking" thing.

Am I wrong here? Please, I'm just trying to learn.

As I said, yes.

And I don't think you have enough expertise in AS to claim with any degree of certainty, as you say, that Aspies often have a problem with being controlling. It so happens that you can read all the thousands of threads on here and not find ONE case when we've been told we were controlling. Not to mention that it's not in the list of symptoms anywhere. Funny, but it's one of the things that we certainly tend NOT to be. Again, controlling behavior is not neurology caused. And the fact that we have sensory issues doesn't "make" us control the environment. There are many options of how to go about trying to diminish one's discomfort, and controlling others, bitching them, going "my way or the highway" as you say your partner does, is only ONE option. Most Aspies, actually, suffer in silence until we melt down one day.

We often get someone with a crap life partner coming in here blaming the partner's lousiness on AS and asking us for advice. Well, no. Being a lousy partner (unfaithful, bitchy, aloof, cold, indifferent, commitmentphobic, intimidating, manipulative, etc.) is NOT neurologically caused. And if an Aspie tells you it is, they're making up excuses for their own lousy behavior. As millie said in her brilliant example, she was the one to take responsibility for her sensory problem and not sit with the others at the table, rather than restrict the others' spontaneity through intimidation. You have to expect a forty something year old person who didn't live in the jungle till recently to know how to behave respectfully of others' needs and desires too.

I think you are misunderstanding me, moreover, IMO you are coming off as defensive.

I believe the need to control ones environment for some people w/AS is simply a coping mechanism. Being rigid is definetly a symptom. As is having a routine, prefered way of doing things. Variations from the schedule or routine can bring great stress. The best way to avoid stress and changes in ones routine? Control ones environment.

I'm not saying being controlling is an AS trait. But I am saying it may be a coping mechanisim for some people with AS.

Anyone else want to weigh in here? I'm just trying to do the best I can to accomodate my AS partners needs. Thanks.

Same as for some people without AS. As I said, you'd find more relevant advice in a forum for people who choose to stay with bossy partners.