should I have childern?

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I know its a bit to early for me to be asking this question. But it has been on my mind for almost a year and I need to ask you guys for advice.

I'm 22 and have AS OCD ADD and depression with psychotic features.
I am in a relationship with a NT guy who is completely understanding of me and all my disability's.

We want to have kids someday but I'm wondering if I should.

He said he understands if I choose not to have kids , he wanted me to know there is no pressure other way. He thinks I would be an excellent mother because I'm so caring .


I have always wanted children and I still do. And if I decide to have kids it will be a few years away.

I have always been very good with kids and I think I could be a good mother.

But I wonder if I could really be a good mother to children. I know AS makes it hard for you to see the big picture and I know I also have other dissablity on top of that.

I also know a lot of AS marriages brake up when the couple has kids.

Me and my boyfriend really dont disagree on anything , so would we dissagree on how to parent our children?

I have so many disability's would it be fair to have kids when I have so many problems ?

I also worry I could have another psychotic episode . Ive only had one but it lasted about a year. Its been about 4 years since then.

I need advice from people who have AS and are NT alike and any one with any of the dissablitys I listed.

Give me your advice and personal story's. I would greatly appreciate it.

I know It may be to early to think about this but I have always planned ahead and this is no different.

I am the father or three children and I have Asperger's. I am an advocate for having children, but there are special difficulties that arise for being a parent with Asperger's. The baby stage was the most challenging for me with each of my kids. Babies are messy, and not just diapers. The projectile vomitting was the biggest issue, because burping is not the only time that they project an arc of formula or breast milk. With all my children I carried them facing outward so when they went off, they would not go off on me. Also babies like to cuddle and nuzzle. I do not like to be touched, and this little life form desiring affection was terrifying and uncomfortable.

The toddler stage is chaos incarnate. Toddlers are exploring their world, and this means exploring your house. There is nothing in your house that is not fair game. Folded towels, pots and pans neatly put away and whatever else they can get hold of will be dispensed around the house. They also have an insatiable curiosity about the toilet. Feeding a toddler is also difficult. They wear half of what they eat, however I was able to solve this by having a stack of wipes at each feeding.

Once the child is school aged things get much easier. However, the things that make life difficult for your spouse, due to your Asperger's, will also make life difficult on your child. Children do not automatically listen when you say something to them, and quite frequently will tell you how you are different from other children's parents.

I know being a parent with Asperger's is difficult for my spouse. I have to rely on her more than she probably likes. There are many things that one is automatically assumed to know when being a parent. Unfortunately I had no clue to most of these things, so being a parent is a constant learning experience. Being a parent is rewarding, and you do find that you love your children unconditionally. There are times when I wonder if my Asperger's is keeping me from being able to experience the true joy of parenthood. I keep waiting for this overwhelming exhilerating feeling of joy for being a parent. This never seems to come, but I think that is because of being an aspie. Still I have never been regreful about becoming a parent.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent, and no one knows how it will all play out once the kids actually arrive. If your partner is willing and able to balance your weaknesses, then I don't think you have to feel you would unfair to your children; they would have the same chance of decent parenting as anyone else. If you can see clear holes in very important areas that neither of you can fill, that is another matter ... but I'm not reading that from you. I'm not reading any of the things I would normally chalk up as selfish desires that would make me question one's reason for having children. You seem thoughtful and considerate about it all and very interested in being sure you would do well by any children you might have.

Ultimately, of course, no one but you and your partner can know if having children is the right decision, so I won't answer that for you, but you can see from above what factors I, as a mom, consider important, and perhaps I have answered.

There are TOO MANY people on this earth. 6,700,000,000 already. Why add one?

You know that AS people have a much higher suicide rate, estimated 80% of divorce.

Use your smart mind... find ways to help the parents of other families raise their kids. Solve an existing problem is this overpopulated world. Don't add to the problem.

Don't go with what you feel. That's what every parent does... and some kids turn into horrors! Look at the school shootings, the ills of society. Technology has replaced good nature.

Again, be positive by helping your neighbor raise his kids. It takes a village.

I think the questions to ask yourself is:

-are financially ready?

-are you willing to sacrifice your freedoms for this child even if it means going out to see your friends?

-are going to wake up to its every whim when it's hungry or needs to be changed?

-will you have enough for its financial future?

-do you have any back up if you go to work?

-is your man willing to take responsibility and share this commitment?

-are you prepared that if that father of your baby were to split from you, you are still willing to take care of the child?




I had a friend who thought it would be cute to have a child especially a girl with her boyfriend and then get married.....as if the kid would be like a pet or doll. Her boyfriend split up with her some months later after she had her child. He wasn't paying any child support the last I heard. She went through a lot of hell and can't afford for half of what she needs and was having to borrow from her mother.

My sister is another good example. She had her's at a very young age and my mom did most of the caring. I'm glad that she had those children b/c they mean a lot to me by me being their aunt. They have a lot of spunk, cuteness, and talents. But I have lost my nephew this year. He was about 5 and both my sister and brother in-law or obviously not doing so great. It's put a damper in them both financially and emotionally. It's been very painful for me as well and I still wish he was here.

So keep in mind, caring for children are not like what you see on TV. It takes a lot of guts and it really does take a community raise even one child. I'm sure by your nice posts you'd have very good maternal instincts as a mother but you need to be prepared for the hardships. Hell taking care of my sister's kids did a lot to me in only so many hours and I wasn't even the one taking care of them 24/7.

I am a mother. I am diagnosed with AS and ADHD has come up in discussions in therapy and i am starting to cop to that as well. (darn it.)

Let me preface what i am about to say with the stark fact that I LOVE MY SON.

However, I find being a parent to be the most difficult task i have undertaken as a woman with AS. It is a frigging nightmare for me and i find living in a three person household to involve way too much social and communication exhcange - WAY BEYOND what i can cope with.

My son is fantastic. BUt i want to pursue my special interest above all else. It is my passion and the thing i care most about.
i do not get the same charge from any human being that i get from my painting which is my great passion and love and obsession.

I find the demands of parenting are hell from the point of view of social/communication issues, and also from the perspective of executive function problems. cooking, doing household things - a whole host of parent related activities are really exhausting and unfathomable to me ---- organising my six year old son is really hard as i cannot even organise myself properly.
I need A LOT of time on my own - I work on my own in a studio at home and i can go for days and days and days wtihout arranging anything with anybody. Having a son is very hard for me. Being a mum is very hard for me. I do not regret it as I love my son and i am glad i have experienced it, but i would never do it again. I am at my limit with one - more than my limit.
I am exhausted by people and by interactions with my son and his father and i spend most of my time trying to retreat from them and from normal contact with them.

I accept this about myself and know it is how my autsim manifests in me. I also know i love my son very much and yet i cannot do a lot of what other mums do with greater ease than me.

BUt each experience is different.
good luck on your journey.

I am a mother. I am diagnosed with AS and ADHD has come up in discussions in therapy and i am starting to cop to that as well. (darn it.)

Let me preface what i am about to say with the stark fact that I LOVE MY SON.

However, I find being a parent to be the most difficult task i have undertaken as a woman with AS. It is a frigging nightmare for me and i find living in a three person household to involve way too much social and communication exhcange - WAY BEYOND what i can cope with.

My son is fantastic. BUt i want to pursue my special interest above all else. It is my passion and the thing i care most about.
i do not get the same charge from any human being that i get from my painting which is my great passion and love and obsession.

I find the demands of parenting are hell from the point of view of social/communication issues, and also from the perspective of executive function problems. cooking, doing household things - a whole host of parent related activities are really exhausting and unfathomable to me ---- organising my six year old son is really hard as i cannot even organise myself properly.
I need A LOT of time on my own - I work on my own in a studio at home and i can go for days and days and days wtihout arranging anything with anybody. Having a son is very hard for me. Being a mum is very hard for me. I do not regret it as I love my son and i am glad i have experienced it, but i would never do it again. I am at my limit with one - more than my limit.
I am exhausted by people and by interactions with my son and his father and i spend most of my time trying to retreat from them and from normal contact with them.

I accept this about myself and know it is how my autsim manifests in me. I also know i love my son very much and yet i cannot do a lot of what other mums do with greater ease than me.

BUt each experience is different.
good luck on your journey.

Thank you for all your informative responses.
I'm sorry its taken me so long to reply.

Sora me and my boy friend hardly disagree and when we do we never argue because we sit and discuss it. 3 years together and we haven't argued once. And strangely we have had very simmer life experiences us growing up.

millie, your life experience is very helpful in seeing how I may cope with the social aspect of it.


MissConstrue you gave me an excellent list of questions I need to ask myself! That was very informative! When I feel I may be ready to have kids I'll stop and ask myself these things before hand.

TobyZ you raise a good point about high population. I have also thought about adoption.

DW_a_mom thankyou for you kind comments. me and my boy friend have talked about my lacking parting skills due to my AS and he understands and feels he would be willing and able to take over in the areas where I lack.

Rordiway thank you for your informative post on your experience. especially how the child views the parent.

I think you also need to consider the genetic aspect of Autism. I am an Aspie and my eldest Son is a carbon copy of me. We even have the same Savant skill. I also have an Aspie Uncle and an Aspie neice so it definately runs in my family.

On the up side, I understand my Son completely. I wish my parents had been able to understand and support me the way I can support him. I also have a positive view of myself. I can't understand why other Aspies talk about "If there was a pill to cure you, would you take it?" There is no way I would take it. I like who I am and I love my Son the way he is.

Sure it's hard sometimes but I'm sure parenting is hard for all parents. I've also found that being a Mother has helped me learn new skills and given me the incentive to try harder.

For me it has been a positive experience

In the end it is up to you, but I will add several comments. 10 years ago, a child was what I wanted more than anything. Since then, other interests got in the way (work, travel etc), the relationship I was in disintegrated and my friends started to have children and it put me off a bit, although I still thought that my own would be different.

More recently, two reasons are making me think that maybe I should not have any. Firstly, after my second serious depression, I actually found myself wishing I hadn't been born (I'd wished I was dead before, but not not born). This makes me seriously think twice about putting any other child into the world, who will share half of my genes and could end up thinking similarly.

The second reason is environmental, but also personal. The planet is overcrowded, and more people will only contribute to this. Of course, this is something that most people know, but don't seriously think about it as a reason for not having children. The probabilities are however, that our children will not have a life as good and easy as our lives have been. It is not unlikely, that in the near future there is going to be a huge, painful struggle for survival. We may not be around to witness this but if we are, then are we prepared to see our children/grandchildren suffer and even die? As far as I see it, there are two ways to go. Either not have children at all and therefore eliminate the suffering that they, or their children will go through. Or have them, but raise them to be survivors (which may be difficult if they have propensity to mental illness).

In fact, I do have a third reason, and that is that a child would give me a reason to live. Since my second depression I have been quite detached from life - I do really enjoy it, I have some (not really close) friends, and family I get on with. A good job, lots of interests. But in the end I have nothing to attach me to life and therefore I am free. This freedom is important to me and would be compromised by having a child who would then tie me to the world and to life. I'm honestly not sure which is better.

However, in the end you must decide. At least you know that if you do have a child and it does have AS, or mental problems, then you can understand that and won't reject it. In the end, reproduction is the reason for being here, and you are no different (and have no less rights) than anyone else when it comes to wanting to reproduce.

I haven't been formally diagnosed yet but AS is likely. I have two children, a 4-yearold with PDD-NOS, similar to an aspie except his speech is delayed, and an NT 1yearold. I know it's too early to tell, but my gut tells me he's NT.

With a bit of luck any child you have will become a new special interest. That was certainly the case for me, starting already during my first pregnancy when I devoured any literature I could get my hands on and interrogated everyone about anything having to do with babies and being an mother.

The biggest challenge for me so far has been the realization that my son is autistic, and the concurrent realization that probably goes for me too. But in more general terms I sometimes lose my patience at the sudden screams they make, or some types of touching (though mutual cuddling has always been great). I've always had very strong instincts about what's right for my child, but criticism from other parents has made my life difficult at times. I don't parent the way they do, but in the case of my oldest son I think that also had to do with my strong feeling that he needed a different type of parenting.

I would say that if you are the kind of aspie who harbours a lot of nurturing feelings and you feel strong as a person and in relation to your partner you shouldn't refrain from becoming a mother. It certainly helps to have family around as well.

I think in some aspects being autistics can prove to be an advantage. Not only because you might better understand an autistic offspring, but also because I think you may be less influenced by "trends" in parenting, and more likely to be rational, which is actually a good thing. If you can rationalize your way through other people's feelings, you will also be able to see things more clearly regarding your own child.

I would ask a specialist about this.
My gut feeling is that since you are probably already in treatment for your depression and psychotic events, you can talk with your therapist about that.

As I understand it, he/she can help you form your own decision.

I do not think that I can just tell you a yes/no answer, or that you should rely on it. Good luck.

What I wished I could do with my son was read to him. I regret not being able to read to him bed time stories. The rapport that is required for reading stories is painfully difficult for me.