Gossip Storms

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I just moved to a new city and have discovered that the gossip storms here are like nothing I've ever seen before, and I've spent most of my 30 years of life in small town environments.

In the past, I've shielded myself from gossip storms by keeping a low profile, having no social life to speak of, being in a committed relationship (or appearing to be in one), and living alone or just with a partner.

Now, it's totally different. I live with a bunch of people. I'm single. A social life is inevitable because of my interests and goals in music, and I genuinely like the people involved in my social life. Keeping a low profile is currently impossible.

Gossip storms don't bother me unless they affect my life in a tangible manner or I happen to be going through an especially hard time in my life (which has been the case over the past few weeks).

I foresaw a gossip storm approaching and tried to simply give fair warning to one or two people who I thought might be seriously adversely affected. Tried to keep the warning as simple as possible. This approach has worked in the past, but this time, it only made the gossip storm worse.

Tried turning to the locals for advice on how to deal with these gossip storms. That made things worse too.

Any ideas? What would you do?

Good question. When you find the answer, please let me know.

I've found that being an innocent bystander during the set-up for a witch-hunt can be very educational. They'll tell you things that they would never tell the victim, and it's enough to curl your hair. Once it starts to snowball, there ain't nothing you can do.

A person who has the whatever-it-takes to get out of that spot would never get into it in the first place. The perps carefully chose an easy target, then go around whispering about him. Basically, they're voting, not so much on whether the crap they say is true, but on whether anyone will defend. If the answer is "no," it's open season. It doesn't matter than none of what they say makes any sense -- that's not the point.

Personally, I would defend. But then, I don't really understand how political capital works and don't have any. Just like I would feed all the hungry people in the world if I had any money, which is basically why I will never have any money.

I was an easy target to begin with because I had just moved to a new country and was spending a month sleeping on a living room floor with no privacy, and no really close ties to anyone.

Then I had a miscarriage around the time I arrived (didn't know I was pregnant - seemed highly unlikely). Lost a lot of blood. Suffered hypovolemic shock. Should have gone to the hospital, but I couldn't think clearly for at least a week due to the blood loss and hormonal fluctuations. I lost the temporary job I had lined up because I was too sick to start working right away. So I was confined to a mattress in a public space in a house full of people. As I started to recover from the physical effects, the emotional effects set in. Serious depression.

If that's not a weakened state, I don't know what is. I had to tell people a bit of what I was going through so that they'd understand why I couldn't get out of bed and do very much. Usually, I keep personal details to myself.




But the weird thing about these gossip storms is the constant rotation of targets. It seems like everyone is constantly targeted and no one trusts anyone. I've seen the measures people take to protect themselves, such as:

- Not inviting someone of the opposite sex over to your house if both people are single
- Answering questions with statements like, "I'm having dinner with a friend," instead of, "I'm having dinner with Bob."
- Being extremely careful about who you're seen with in public because every observed social interaction affects your image and leads to gossip . . .

A lifestyle based on those kinds of precautions can induce a state of paranoia, so I prefer to ignore the rules and let the gossip cycle run its course.

In this case, it's a choice between constant paranoia, or frighteningly tangible ramifications, or both. I'm thinking, "I signed up for a small town type of life, including expected gossip and such, but not some Hollywood-type BS."

All I can think to do is to create a safe haven. Find at least 1 person I can trust, and 1 place I can go when it becomes necessary to seek refuge from gossip storms.

I think

sound the best policy for sanity. The targets of gossips change as they get tired of a subject so if they do start talking about you, at least you know they'll soon move on to someone else. I know it's horrible to be talked about but it is basically just piffle-paffle and if they've got nothing better to do then the gossip's lives must be shallow and empty.

What do you think when someone tells you gossip? Big deal? So what? It's usually minor enfringements of NT code, something as an Aspie I don't have a clue about anyway, so when I hear gossip I usually think 'big deal' If it's such a minor thing you don't even know you've comitted a 'crime worthy of gossip' then there's no point in worrying about it. Try to stick to a few good friends who know you and won't talk about you.

I'm not trying to make light of it, I know gossip can be very hurtful, but what are the

If you've not done anything wrong (I mean a crime, not a little thing) then, sorry to be blunt, but **** 'em!

By the way, are you fully fit now, after the miscarriage? Sorry to hear about that, I know how that can take it out of you, physically. Are your iron levels OK...if you're anaemic and you get your iron levels back up to normal you'll probably feel better able to cope with things generally. Anaemia can make you feel really low.

Good luck!

"The soft answer turneth away wrath." Not true. That only works with short-term relationships -- a customer you'll never see again, road rage... With people who are a part of your everyday life, sometimes it escalates until someone gets tied to a stake. I can't count the times I've been fired because of it. Ignoring it, which is my instinctive reaction, doesn't work. Girls didn't get physically pulverized when I was a kid, but I hear that they do now.

If only that were true. In the real world, minding your own business is as good a wearing a "kick me" sign.


There's a lot of emotional and chemical issues than can knock you over. You should probably ask a doctor about it, even if you don't think it's relevant.

Hmmm, well, obviously you have had different experiences to me, Tahitiii, but maybe I was a little unclear in my post too. I wasn't advocating being nice to the gossips -'soft answer' approach - but trying to stay one step ahead of them is mind-blowingly complicated if you have AS. What I was saying in a nutshell was that I wouldn't give a damn what they said. Gossip isn't truth and most people with any sense know that.

If someone's in danger of actual physical harm, of course that would be inappropriate, but I thought release_the_bats meant mind-games type tittle-tattle which I still think is best met with the contempt it deserves. True friends will stick by you. The ones who don't aren't worth having anyway.

I wanted to believe that for a long time.

Yep. And all carnivorous cows eat meat. I just don't happen to personally know any carnivorous cows. Sensible people are also in short supply. I need to think really hard to name one that I know in real life.


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I'm still thinking. Gimme a minute.

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I think that's the answer....make for the exit door as soon as possible. There are better people in the world than that bunch of......

I have absolutely no interest in other peoples personal business, unless it affects me in some way. I just couldn't care less what other people do. I wish NT's would just mind their own business and leave other people alone. NT's just love nothing better than to gossip and bad-mouth people behind they're back and, put false rumors into circulation. They don't even care if its true or not.

ie they (some NTs) have nothing better to do with their lives.

I completely agree with that. I've never understood the benefit they get or the interest they find in gossiping and bad-mouthing people.

They don't have enough special interests to keep them occupied.