Why do they say we have no empathy?

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I think these "NT" people or whatever we call them here have less empathy then we do. Literally, they're usually the ones that make fun of us, not the other way around. I wouldn't call that empathy. What are your thoughts on this?

BTW, I'm not trying to say NT's are bad people at all. I just see total hypocrasy in that statement (we have less empathy then them)

empathy and being compassionate are not the same thing.

Indeed. It could be said about me that I'm not empathetic, as I have a hard time "relating" to people when they're going through some personal trouble (I can manage a "there there" and pat on the shoulder, not much else)
However, I am also considered to be a very compassionate, since I care a lot about causes like poverty, ending genocide, and the enforcement of universal human rights. So really, some aspies aren't empathetic (Won't speak for everyone, just me) but that doesn't mean we're not caring individuals.

There's a big difference between the clinical definition of empathy, and the common usage of the word.

The clinical definition of empathy is: "KNOWING what someone else is thinking and feeling".

The common usage of empathy is "Not being a jerk".

A person could have tons of empathy, but use that empathy for their own selfish purposes. For example, many serial killers and domestic abusers have lots of empathy. They know how to manipulate their victims into trusting them.

Which is why it's often misleading to refer to AS a a "lack of empathy". Sometimes, even psychologists forget the distinction, and children who show signs of sociopathy sometimes get misdiagnosed as AS.

The textbook definition may be about knowing, but the practical definition is about providing the proper reactions to demonstrate knowing.

That's what we don't do very well.

I am an empath and an asperger.
An empath in psychics is a person who can feel the feelings and emotions from people within the are.
This can be a problem as well.......

empathy is knowing what someone is thinking or feeling, they tell you, you believe them, you have a go at putting you in their shoes.
advanced empathy is being able to actually feel what someone else is feeling.

i have advanced empathy for other aspies, the main reason i don't have it for NT's is that they work completely differently to me and whilst there is some middle ground, i can't imagine what it is like to be them.

i've built up a logic model which allows me to approximate empathy, perhaps even fake it convincingly, but at the end of the day, even that fails sometimes...and i get it completely wrong.

i am however very compassionate, loving and sympathetic, despite the amount of s*** that humans have dumped on me...which i for one think is far more important.x

i do not care what they say in a negative way about me. i am happy enough.

i do not have any real capacity for empathy. if i watch a TV with the sound off, i can not tell what the moods of the people on it are.
like game shows (sound off). there may be a contestant who has experienced some milestone in the game. it may be that they just won the major prize, or they just bombed out. the expression on their faces can be taken equally many ways.

i have difficulty discerning between tears of grief, and tears of joy.

like when i see news clips of people in war torn countries who are collecting around a bomb site, i see women who are wailing in grief. i only know it is grief because of the context they are in. they seem to be smiling as they squint and yell.
if i saw a woman sitting in a mall in a quiet western shopping centre doing the same thing (with a ticket in her hand), i would think she may have just won the lottery.

also i can not tell "grief" from just being "physically unwell".
earlier today i saw the news as i walked past, and the sound was down, and there was a woman sitting at a desk with other people beside her, and she looked to have a horrible cold. i thought she may be an example of a swine flu case.
later when i saw the same bulletin again with the sound up, i saw she was in grief about an abduction of her child, and she was begging for the public's help.

with people in real life, i can not imagine what they feel unless they say so in unambiguous terms. even if i look at them to see the expression on their face, i can not tell, so i rarely bother to look.

i could have had a very nice girlfriend if i had empathy. there was a girl called sonia who liked all my quirks and idiosyncrasies, and she was attracted to me. she was also physically very attractive apparently (according to other people).

we had lots of fun together, but i never was "there" for her when she felt down or insecure.
when she was happy and in my mood, we augmented each others enthusiasm to the point of almost mania (i am not bi polar but she is). she used to laugh like a child on a roller coaster during some of our frenetic times together.

but when she was feeling low and needed someone to "understand", she hit a brick wall when she came to me.

if she spelled out her predicament, then i may be able to discuss it with her, but she used to expect some sort of unspoken recognition from me as if i intuitively could "feel where she is coming from".

sometimes she would turn up at my place unannounced, and she would be in a strange state, and i never perceived how she was feeling when she got here.

once, her friend committed suicide, and she came over to my place distraught. i did not know she was distraught at the time because she did not tell me at first.
i can remember almost exactly the transcript.

she arrived. (she is very dramatically moody)
her: (at my door when i opened it) hello mark?
me: yes... obviously. huh? are you OK?
her: not really.......well can i come in?
me: you did not warn me you were coming. i am in the middle of something right now...
her: oh mark! i need to hang out with you tonight.
me: (i looked at my watch (i do not know why))...errrmm well i don't know...errr
her: i'm feeling so awful mark please? give me a hug.
me: errrr...well...here.
(she looked like she had hay fever or a cold, and i did not want catch it)
her: please?
me: ok come in. what's wrong?
her: ohhh nothing! (said strangely)
me: you just said you felt...
her: please mark...just....give me time to gather my thoughts.
me: hmmmm. i was in the middle of mixing a song i made up. do you want to hear it?
her: something terrible happened to me today.
me: ok. so do you want to hear the song?
her: did you hear me? i said something horrible happened to me today.
me: sorry you said "terrible".
her: F*CK!! !....maybe i've made a mistake....
me: yes mistakes are terrible or horrible or something...i don't know. are you ok?
her: yes i'm ok. (she shivered herself out of her anxiety attack and seemed to calm down).
me: ok then. do you want to hear the song or not? if not, what do you want to do.
her: talk.
me: errr...besides that?
her: ok put the song on.
me: well ok.

after 1 minute she started to cry (or sniffle with hay fever as i thought at the time). i stopped the song.
me: do you need an antihistamine or something? i have some diphenhydramine....
her: no mark i just feel crushed!
me: where? in the chest?
her: in the spirit.
me: errrrrr alright...how? (i did not expect to understand her answer about "spirits")
her: a friend of mine committed suicide last week.
me: mmmmmm deary me.....and it has taken you this long to get upset about it?
her: i only heard about it today.
me: when did it happen?
her: last wednesday.
me: but it is wednesday today.
her: what the f*ck does that have to do with it?
me: how close a friend was this friend?
her: she was a very close friend.
me: sorry, if she was that close, then how did it take 7 days for you to find out about her death?
her: jeesus! is this an inquisition? why do that mark? can't you see i'm hurting here?
me: what? (she was not pointing anywhere and i kind of lost track)....ahhm when was the last time you saw her?
her: last year.
me: how many months?
her: oh about 7! (she was clearly exasperated).
me: so why are you so so upset?
her: because she was my f**k**g FRIEND man!! !!
me: well ok, but you know you can't be blamed for it don't you?
her: THAT'S NOT THE REASON!! !
me: shhh...so why are you upset then?
her: because i miss her.
me: what, did you talk to her on the phone regularly?
her: no.
me: well i can not see how you miss her if you never talked to her while she was here.
her: you are EVIL mark. where's my bag.
me: over on that chair
her: i'm outta here!! !! have a happy life you...you insect. you may be fun to visit heh heh , but i wouldn't want to live here.
me: okey dokey then. hear from you soon.

she walked out and i realized again that i was lacking some vital component to automatically connect in a solid way with others.
but i was not very interested in her anyway. it was others who told me she was nice, and i had some fun, but it is not worth trading my solitude for.

sometimes i am not happy about it, and other times i am relieved to only have myself to answer to (and i never ask any questions of myself).

The reason they say that is because many of us don't show it in the same ways as an NT would. "a" doesn't appear to be "A", so therefore "a" =/= "A". It's really flawed logic. Though I have to say that, like Xanderbeanz, I find it easier to feel what other Aspies are feeling compared to my ability to empathize w/NTs. That statement is a little hard for me to generalize, however, as not all Aspies are the same, just as not all NTs are the same. It's just the rate of empathy success is higher with the one group rather than the other.

I can feel empathy, i'm just bad at showing it or reacting to it.

when an "NT" uses empathy to feel someone is sad, they look and act sad and try to cheer them up with comforting words.

when i do the same, my face isn't showing what i feel, and i don't know what to say or do even though i know what i should do i dunno how.

i feel empathy, just not for NT,s. animals, aspies but not NT's.

I think there are empathy problems, but that could mean a problem with too much empathy as well as too little.

For example, I dropped a wine glass on the floor and put it on the counter, not realizing that there was glass on the floor because I hadn't stepped on any(Lack of empathy). Then my mother woke up and got a piece stuck in her foot. It took me a moment, but then I started crying because I had imagined what it felt like to have a chunk of glass inside of me. (Empathy to an extreme level. )

I believe aspies can be emphathetic once they are verbally made aware of another's emotions and it is explained to them why that person is feeling that way. However, most would likely not pick up on these cues on their own until late adolesence/early adulthood if at all.

Mark, that was a very interesting transcript. Thank you for sharing.

WigglySpider gives good advice. If someone comes across, seeming upset, assume there is a reason. Ask questions about their feelings rather than technical questions, and just listen.

I have to admit, when I was younger, although I wouldn't have reacted quite the way you did, I would have asked how she could miss her friend if they hadn't really been friends. She may have felt bad about never talking to her, and not realising how upset she had been.

Nowadays I'd just listen and keep that kind of opinion to myself.

For a "normal", sensing that someone is on your side depends on their fast reactions. With aspies, the fast reactions are all over the place. It's only (after we've had some training) after we have intellectually processed stuff and come up with a reaction we want to present that we could look good. The "normal", though, by that time has gone looking for a more sympathetic audience.