Has anyone lost a friend, GF, BF, etc from aspie?

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I haven't told anyone (besides my daughter, of course) of my recent dx. I've heard several stories of folk losing their GF or BF or friend after being dx.

Behaviours didn't change from day before to day after - so it must be prejudice, right????

What do you think and who's had this experience?

H.

I haven't heard of it happening overnight; sometimes yes, it can happen when the NT partner realises that they will never be able to change the one they love because of the diagnosis and must either live with hurtful behaviour or leave.

It's a fallacy; having a diagnosis doesn't mean one cannot grow and mature, but many of the freshly diagnosed act this way. Usually those relationships are hanging on by a thread to begin with though.

In your own case, if your marriage is happy, I wouldn't worry at all. If you are concerned, perhaps bring up the traits that you have first and see if your partner agrees with them and then tell him that you were worried about the reasons behind the behaviour so went to see someone about it.

Just a thought; your husband may feel a bit left out that you didn't tell him before you went to the psych, so maybe have a reason ready for why you didn't.

Lene -
I couldn't have said it better myself. I've certainly been acting out - a bit under stress - I guess - since the dx, but I'm sure this is not a "progressive" disease. So what i was before is what I will be with a few improvements, maybe.

Great response - at least for my concerns -

H.

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Last edited by Willard on 04 Oct 2010, 1:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You're welcome. Glad it helped

If you're in a relationship of any kind, they probably noticed you were "a little different".

Why would an explanation for that make them leave you?

It's more like giving him an excuse to make fun of my weirdness

Lene wrote:

<I haven't heard of it happening overnight; sometimes yes, it can happen when the NT partner realises that they will never be able to change the one they love because of the diagnosis and must either live with hurtful behaviour or leave. >

Willard wrote:

<I'm afraid its a bit more complicated than that. But you are embarking on what will assuredly be a most interesting journey.>

Both are correct. A partner, aspie or not, can give 1000% to a relationship - and it will never be enough. It is unsettling to realize that no matter what you do in a relationship, there is a likelihood that the other partner might leave anyway. The partner may decide for a while to overlook the "flaws" but over time, resentment builds up and they can no longer tolerate the quirks. The rejected partner becomes resistant to opening up to a new relationship only to be rejected again when we are told that we are "not relationship material."

My so called friends would eventualy find better friends and would ignore me and when I tried to interact, they would bully me. Sometimes they would bully me unprovoked. I worry that this will someday be the case with my best friend, Sami soon.

If you dont want him making fun of you, you should probably tell him to stop.

If the so-called "hurtful behaviour" is due to Asperger's, then it usually means they are not intentionally hurtful. What I can't understand is why the NT partner in such cases doesn't just stop trying to "change" the other person and rather uses the opportunity to gain more understanding so they can work together.

It seems likely that alot of people get diagnosed as a result of relationship problems. That is, they get dx'ed because their relationship is failing and not the other way round.

I only lose friends because of my behavior, though most people seem to like me.

Jono, whilst I agree with you that people with AS may sometimes hurt others unintentionally (everone does, regardless of neurology), once it has been pointed out that their actions are hurtful, then 'not knowing' is not an excuse.

I don't think it's the job of the partner to change the hurtful behaviour of the AS partner. That's the job of the person with AS. The NT partner can help things along by pointing it out and being patient.

Being understanding and working together does not mean that the NT partner should just sit back and take abusive/hurtful behaviour on the chin. It's attitudes like that which cause NT partners to leave. I mean, why on earth should they spend the rest of their lives living with a person who has an excuse to constantly hurt them?

Even if people claim they are 'trying', that wears thin pretty quickly if there are no observable results; most people can only take so much before they realise it's a 'hopeless cause' and go find someone without an excuse. Nobody owes anyone a relationship, so it is in your best interests to be kind to your other half and put in the effort needed to change hurtful behaviour, however much that is.

Three things you implied I said, which I never said in the post:

1. I never said the NT partner must change the behaviour of the AS partner. You can't change other people.

2. I never said the NT partner must sit back and accept abusive behaviour.

3. I never said AS was an excuse for anything.

What I was referring to was that, for example, many/most of those Cassandra women cite lack of affection as a reason for the failure of the relationship. In that particular case, it's normally difficulties in non-verbal communication that's the source of the problem - it's in the DSM. Aspies can actually be caring and sympathetic if and when they know what's going with the other person's feelings but in this case they don't know because they don't pick up the signals. If that's the source then it's not enough for an NT partner just to point it out because the AS partner will still not not know what the NT partner wants from him/her. For instance, without understanding the body language, the AS partner will not know when the NT partner had a stressful day at work, upset about something etc. In cases like that it's not enough that NT partner points out to the AS partner that he\she is not being affectionate, but often have to change the way they communicate as well. In every single successful long-term NT/AS relationship or marriage that I've heard about, the couple had to work things out like that. The responsibility for a relationship never rests one person, and that goes for any relationship, unless one partner has genuinely been abusive.

I almost lost a friend once. A teacher outed me to someone who knew so little about it that she believed her trusted instructor and family friend when the lady said it basically meant I was a sociopath. However, J- did some research on her own and worked up the courage to tell me what had happened. I assured her that I am capable of love and do love her. Everything was okay. My boyfriend has known for years. We both have our issues and baggage. We love each other anyway.