Speaking and Listening - My Stance on Autism Speaks

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I am not good at waiting.

Gray is not my color. In the case of Bob and Tammy Fae Baker, A Mainstream American lower Midwest Baptist, Luthern, Methodist, middle class blend, with waterslides, they were deposed for airconditioning the dog house. They had a mission, making that dog stay outside was just un Christian, and the $18,000 could have been put to better use. Like a bigger waterslide.

There were a lot of the best people involved until the paychecks stopped. It was based on donations, and when word got out that the dog was made to stay in the yard, donations stopped, and people took their children to the Jellystone Campground.

Sure, the waterslides are smaller, but they allow dogs.

Now running psychology tests here to prove we are defective, and hence should do as your NT betters say, I am not sure if you are lost in the forest, or lost in the trees, but you have lost.

Saying Bad Dog might work in your world, but wolves live in the forest.

You are still trying to pitch autism as exhibited in eight year olds. Sure they are bad dogs, an ugly duckling, that all ducks pick on till they grow up to become Swans.

So you have all your ducks in a line.

Having never studied adult outcomes you have no idea what we become in time. You just wanted to stomp on the nests.

So you come to our Preserve yelling duck slogans, not watching where you step, a townie in the wild lands.

A disturbance in the peace of the countryside attracts attention, what is it? It sounds like a moose with a broken leg. Its suffering replaces tranquility. A broad circle forms to restore tranquiity, end suffering, the circle closes, peace returns.

So someone recently told you you were autistic, gave you some pills for that, you spoke with the best of NT minds about how tragic it all is, and thumping the Sacred DSM charged into the homeland of old free range autistics, where children play, and people older than your grandparents sit and think.

We have our own religion thank you. We have heard of yours going back fifty years, but it never attracted us. Perhaps your talents would do better elsewhere, like Preaching to the Bears in Yellowstone.

Autism is not the excuse you seem to use it for, that is just you. It is a rare difference in thought and perception. Day to day life gets on well with the common thought, but there come times when something else is needed.

In lives long past we were there, hung around my neck a Swan carved in antler. We are like the other birds, we just continue growing long after they stop. We are the first to go north in the spring, and the last to return in the fall. Swan Song ends the year and brings the snow.

We are a people of another vision, not defective ducks.

As through all of time, the Great Mother has lead us to a place to live in peace. We are closer to the other animals, the land, plants, and the stars, we hear things you do not, for we listen.

Some sing songs of life, some their death song, ever drawing their end nearer.

Sing your own song, it is the only one you have.

Some Swans can't honk and they will never fly. They might, if given the chance like to. Don't overlook this.

I'm tired of putting on a brave face. I'm exhausted, hurt, angry, lonely, and so sad my bones ache.
I had a bad meltdown tonight. I just want to go home.

Loved Inventors writing, even if I didn't "get" all of it.

As for Autism Speaks, well, I have and may always have mixed feelings. I've seen the same things you all have, to make me against them. But, then, a distant friend seeks out support for her walk with them, because it is an organization she feels has "done so much" for her family. I do know she had a really rough road, and several misdiagnosis, before her son was labeled "autistic." Not Aspergers and high functioning, like my son, but autistic with lower than average IQ, and challenges few of us really relate to. I do know things are miles improved the last few years, but haven't been involved in the details. I have yet to ask her for details on why she feels Autism Speaks had done so much for her family. But I saw that solicitation and knew I couldn't say no to her, and so I made up the rest of her fundraising goal the day before the walk, and am now a donor to an organizer I still question.

Real life just isn't black and white.

I didn't want to stop posting in the forums because I wanted to be an active participant in the community, not a distant observer and commentator.

Unfortunately, my time in the trenches has resulted in several very severe meltdowns. I may seem very confident and have frequently been described as "cunning." This is a misconception. I mostly just fly by the seat of pants. I have feelings and they are easily hurt.

I will continue writing for Wrong Planet and Autism Speaks and am very excited about my book and my upcoming appearance on Autism Talk TV.

This isn't a play for sympathy. I just want everyone to know that I have chosen to take a long break from posting in the forums, not because I don't enjoy it, but because it is threatening my health.

My meltdowns are really bad. I try not to write about the negative aspects of my autism, because I really do want to promote a neurodiverse message, but I'm no stranger to autistic ailments. I had a severe meltdown last night triggered by some of the stuff that has been going on. My brother laid on top of me last night. That helped a lot. When I have meltdowns I... um... I look really ridiculous. I cry, and scream, and beat my head against walls, and throw things, and flap my hands, and hyperventilate. I pace and rock and... just act really autistic. They are terrifying. I can't breath and get suicidal. This frightens and confuses my family, because they have not been trained to understand these outbursts.

Most of the posters here and elsewhere remain anonymous. By being open with my identity, I have invited both opportunity and enormous grief. Some people have questioned my claims of being attacked. Trust me guys, I know of very few "terrorists" here on Wrong Planet. However, I can assure you that they are out there. I have been continually attacked through numerous online avenues since I began writing. Myself and my family have been threatened, lied about, mocked relentlessly, and pushed to the edge. I do my best to ignore all this, but as I've said, I do have feelings, and it is becoming harder and harder not to react. Some people close to me have been very hurt by all this. Some of them have not reacted well. I have not always been mature and levelheaded myself.

I really am no one special, but overnight I found myself the topic of heated conversation in countless threads all over the Internet. Some people said some incredibly hurtful things. I tried very, very hard not to reveal how distressed I was by all of this. These past few years have been very difficult, and I've only publicly revealed a fraction of the suffering myself and my family have experienced.

I don't need this additional stress. Please forgive any controversy resulting from my presence here. I never wanted or expected it. I conducted an interview. I really didn't think it would be widely read. I certainly did not expect it to upset so many people. I was not prepared for some of the vicious attacks.

I may seem very self-assured and capable. The truth is that I only do one thing well - I write. Outside of my writing, I am not terribly successful. I can't understand the emotions of others, or recognize and control my own. I have severe meltdowns. I'm always putting my foot in my mouth.

I'm very, very stressed and depressed right now, because I'm worried I will never be able to care for a family of my own. I want so badly to have a wife and children and be able to make them happy.

Worrying about my online reputation ads too much stress. I need to take a break. Thank you all for understanding.

I feel horrible tam man. I'm sorry. I did feel like you were manipulating me at time but I think maybe you were just paranoid from being attacked.