Never been ashamed nor proud to be autistic.
But I do pride myself as an autistic who can overcome the fate and cycle of disproportionate anxiety and depression -- never had meds, never had formal therapy -- that many NDs fallen into, in which many can't get out from even with support, accommodation and understanding.
I savor the fact that I don't have phobias, have lesser things to deal with, and born with serious compensation abilities, but this does not mean to be proud of. It's simply something I have, along with the other things I supposed to be ashamed of.
auntblabby wrote:
magz wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
being "ashamed" of one's human-ness is a signpost on the road to transcendence.
or suicide.
point taken, i shoulda said it was the signpost @ the fork in the road leading either to transcendence or the cul-de-sac.
Been at such road apparently since age 4 or so.
Intellectually, it was a liberating road. Emotionally, it was a road full of frustration, guilt and self loathing for someone so immature.
There was no compass or any sort, only defence mechanisms and malice.
I've came across the suicidal route at age 14. Apparently either scared the hell out of me or is blocked -- something overwhelmed me by looking at it. Unsure if any higher power was involved, but I'd never consider such path ever again. Nothing and no one explicitly convinced me except everything else.
This is also before when I start doing 'label works' on autism. It was then the word autism is the compass.
In between this, there's the self-loathing, conditional acceptance, the enticement of supremacy and segregation, projections, disillusionments, denials, dissonance... There's this pride simply putting stoppers on holes, defending from those who poke those holes. The justifications, 'us vs them'...
Then there's also the fulfillments, resonance, validation... And it's bottomless need of sympathy and enabling through the chosen identity. Many seem to be stuck at this stage and many can also fallback into it.
Was this was the cul-be-sac?
To realize that the endless need of fulfillment just perpetuate the cycle of one's idea of 'human-ness', and as is the ideas' 'need' is not all that makes one human -- a realization beyond the intellectual knowledge, may lead to discernment from unconditional acceptance, self love and inner peace.
Or madness.
By either denying or clinging so hard on 'identity', by being too worked up with 'right and wrong' along with 'beliefs and disbeliefs', 'can and cannot', 'haves and not haves', etc.
Overly identifying myself to what my body, mind and past dictates, whether functional or dysfunctional -- that includes 'words', 'actions' and 'circumstances', whether maladaptive and benign, as opposed to simply taking it as a fact that 'it is' and 'it happened'. This is not all that is human, just like 'empathy', emotions and sensations does not all make one human.
Only to recently stumbled on a more direct road of transcendence at age 24. On sheer dumb luck.
It just occurred to me as opposed to looking for it -- as if time is handing things out for me instead of worldly experiences and circumstances.
Practically before finishing 'label work' on autism and just had graduated because of it. I'd keep the autism's old compass for reference's sake.
This year, I'm turning 25.
One of the things I'd plan doing is to keep inner world under control and just finish the damn stories already! As it's random fragments of scenes had been playing in my head over and over needlessly... It served me well before and now it no longer serves me.
On a road that there's nothing to be proud of nor to be ashamed of.
In which there's nothing for me to defend.