Is Fitting In Fair to You?

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Though it's not a new experience, I recently had a more personal invested experience in adjusting or assimilating. I'm comfortable with myself to know I won't fit in immediately in most scenarios. However, I do know that given time, I can assimilate and fit into most situations. That being said, sometimes, I fail, and typically, it feels as if I've behaved as expected, but somehow that becomes the issue, because I was not expected to adjust so quickly. I know this might not make much sense, but I'm trying to explain, and hope this might be one of the few places it does make sense.

My question is: What is the line between balancing yourself with others, having empathy for others and expecting that amount of empathy for yourself, and when does that lack of empathy or balance tip, or just empathy turn into rejection that you have to handle.

I have these debates in my head constantly, blaming myself for not being open minded enough, but at some point, should my own well-being be a consideration?

I can't define where that line is, my brain just won't pin language to the concept, even with it having happened a few times in my life. I can feel it when it is happening yet can't tell about it.

EXACTLY that! I watch it as it happening ahead of time. I try to speak out, get ignored or told I'm being dramatic, then watch it all play out. At this point, I don't say anything anymore, and just assume I'm the crazy one.

In my 36 years of this life, I have become a master of assimilation. I used to stick out like a sore thumb, and often still do in both behaviour and appearance [more on this later], but I understand how to work with/cope with NT's now better than I ever have before. There are few crowds I'm unable to blend in with, and most people who get to know me enjoy my company and often claim to feel as if they've known me all of their lives, but the major problem is the same one it has always been, even when I did not fit in and behaved in a manner that, while natural to me, was considered off-putting at best by others and heartless and cynical at worst. The aforementioned problem is that while I may fit in and/or be perceived by others as "one of the gang", the way that I personally feel in virtually every circle in which I have participated is complete isolation and/or out of place, or as the French say dépaysement; the feeling of not being at home, in a foreign or different place, whether a good or a bad feeling; a change of scenery exile; fish out of water.

Basically, while I feel lonely quite often when I am alone; and indeed most hours, days, weeks, months of my adult life I have literally been by myself [save for my many plants and animal companions]; I feel most lonely when around or intimately socializing with other people. I still do talk to four close friends on the phone regularly, though none of us live in the same time zone, and I live with my mother, but I'm likely one of the least affected people during the pandemic so far, "social distancing" was often my preference and usually my reality for most of my life.

I have had close in-person friendships, but never a best friend. I have dated, but never been in love with anyone. I have been within circles of close friends and/or co-workers/fellow students many times in the past, but always felt as the gaijin, the outsider whether others felt that way about me or not. There are many worse fates than this. I am often thankful that I get along with, love and care about my mother, and that is mutual. We get along quite well most of the time. I am glad not to be in a loveless marriage or relationship that I stay in for one reason or another. I am grateful that I do not have any family members or children or in-laws in my life around whom I feel uncomfortable or threatened [though this is indeed how I felt around pretty much everyone else in my family, other than my mother, and none of them are a part of my life anymore both as a result of my feelings and the way they always treated me].

I do often wish that I did feel more comfortable around others, though I did in places I've visited like the West Coast and on occasions when I am around people who aren't overtly straight-laced and/or conservative [most white people in the Southeastern USA are both]. Sometimes I wish that I enjoyed [pardon my bluntness] sexual relations in order to have some sort of romantic relationship that worked. I've never had a problem with empathy, but I am extremely intolerant of xenophobia and intolerance in and of itself. If anything I am a xenophile and am typically enamoured with the strange, unusual, foreign, obscure, and overlooked.

The benefit of this feeling and way of life is more obvious to me now than it has ever been. Most people, particularly neurotypicals, either cannot [for want of opportunity] or will not ever get to know themselves intimately. With all of the time I've spent alone, both that by circumstance and that by design, I know myself better than anyone else ever will. Many philosophers from vastly different disciplines [and regions of the world] stress the importance of knowing oneself. Many of those who, at one time or another, have decided to confide in me during transitional or difficult times in their lives [and most of my closest friends over the years have only been close to me during such times in their own lives] have asked me for advice or perspective, and usually I offer them the same sort of suggestion for personal development and overcoming adversity; that they must get to know themselves better and invest in either self-improvement or an exploration into their own wants and needs. It's that sort of advice from others that has helped me the most when I've asked for help in the past.

For most people who grew up in big families, have brothers/sisters [I'm an only child of a single mother], have spouses/partners [I've never been married or in a long term relationship], live with their children, roommates, etc. spending time alone is literally not an option and for many people, time alone is more torturous than any other state of being. As lonely as I often get [and I often do feel quite lonely], I always try to make myself realize that I've got a great gift: I am a deep and introspective person with fascinating interests, hobbies, and skills [to me, at least ]. I don't say it to project my ego, but rather to improve my self-esteem when I feel I need it. I have failed at many, many things [algebra, writing in cursive {script}, romantic relationships, "Android OS" programming]; but I have taught myself cooking, baking, sewing, mixology, singing, writing, home repair, and many other great things. To sum it all up both literally and figuratively, I know what I bring to the table, and I am not afraid to dine alone.

I think the balance tips when I feel I am too far from my values and beliefs. For instance, I was a temp at an investment bank for a summer (barf) and in order to make the days bearable I tried to fit in and get along. However, the people I met there, who in retrospect were not only neurotypical but definitely Type A+ alpha individuals, were very very different from me. They were the type to show affection for each other by insulting each other and stuff. I don’t like being insulted so I decided I would rather they thought I was kind of lame than for them to start including me in their rounds of affectionate insults. What usually happens is I just shut down and go somewhere else and deal with the scorn as it comes. Whatever.

When in Rome...

That is a tough question. It would be nice for relationships to be reciprocal, but that is really hard, especially when it goes against the dominant personality/psychology. I think the best you can do is when you find people who are going to be open enough for you to relax and show a bit of yourself.

As an only child myself, I love that you've come to this conclusion! I only wish I could personally internalize you final summation myself

Definitely keep at it. It's not as much a light switch as it is a work in progress every day.

Thanks for the inspiration!! It's definitely super frustrating when your family goes on and on about how awesome of a person you are but no unrelated women of the opposite sex seem to notice

Preach! What's even more frustrating is when the aforementioned opposite sex tells YOU how great you are, but when you bring yourself up as a prospect, they act all cornered, "Oh, that's not what I meant... I like you, but I'm not in like with you..."

Just out of curiosity, what is your "type" when it comes to the kind of women you're attracted to?

Single. Dating married women is far too complicated....

But seriously, in what way do you mean "type"...? Social group[s], hobbies/interests, age, physical attributes, political/religious/philosophical persuasion...? I could provide answers for all of the above, but I'd be typing here for quite awhile longer that way....

Physical attributes, social groups, and hobbies/interests. Mine run the gamut from preppy/athletic to goth Considering what I've seen from other Aspies on here, I consider myself grateful I've gotten as much as a friendly hug from female Olympic, NCAA Division I, WWE, and UFC athletes considering this is my sense of humor

Sounds like me. I prefer thin/athletic builds, active/outgoing/social types [I spend enough time sitting around the house by myself as it is], conservatism/xenophobia/religious orthodoxy [including anti-theism] is a big time turn-off for me [which in the American Southeast has always severely limited my options]. With Asperger's, I'm better functioning than most, and while I am a hugger and even enjoy making out, I have never really enjoyed much of anything beyond that sexually [though I do have experience in that arena, so to speak].

It's kind of odd that in my teens and twenties, I was the pursuer, but now in my thirties [as I once predicted] I get pursued a lot which unfortunately makes platonic friendship with single women next to impossible [to say nothing of gay friends who often believe that I'm not asexual, I'm just "in the closet"]. Friendship with involved women isn't much better in my experience as most boyfriends/husbands perceive me as a threat [which I tend to understand, but it's still pretty misogynistic and says a lot about how those guys perceive their relationship and how little trust they have in their partner]. Girls enjoying sports is always a huge plus, but it's also not very common in my experience.

Where's the best place to find women that take the initiative in regards to expressing interest? I'm only comfortable making the first move online due to previously being considered creepy in high school and to a lesser extent college.

Based on what I know about you and your interests; I'd recommend [after the pandemic] sporting events/track & field meets/WWE events, music shows/concerts, sports bars/music venues, and possibly even political and/or church events [depending on your philosophical bent]. I've worked as a cook/bartender fairly extensively since college [America is just a GREAT freaking country to work in, lemme tell ya....], and while I do not recommend dating a co-worker or regular customer [ever, for lots of reasons], it's a great way to hone social skills and learn to pick up on reactions/behaviour of others, as well as appear less "creepy" and/or non-threatening. Also, gay men are literally the best "wing men" you can have as friends when you go out with the intent of meeting women. Most ladies seem to realize that you're not some posturing Alpha male twit if they know that you're sensitive enough, and not overtly paranoid about your own masculinity, to hang out in public with a gay friend. I've read psychology articles which seem to back this up too, but I speak mostly from personal experience.

I've also got a degree in video production, learned to sing with a karaoke machine [you don't have to sing well to do this, look at some punk rockers, some of them can't hit more than one note and they absolutely rock], and taken an acting class, and all of this helped me become much more aware my own behaviours/posture/appearance and gage reactions from other people. If you're in an area where it is medicinal and/or legal [and you're old enough], try cannabis. This really helped me to normalize and develop my personality and become far less concerned with how others perceived me. I rarely get to indulge as it is still very much a crime where I live [for now], but it helps me so much with social anxiety, avoiding AS shutdowns, empathy and understanding the neurotypical perspective, and being friendly with other people particularly strangers whom we have to talk to and work with in day-to-day life [not to mention the serious back, joint, & muscle pains which I suffer from on a regular basis].

Another turning point for me was weight loss. I had been misdiagnosed as bi-polar for years, and the resulting medications [which I did not need and which had never helped me in any capacity] made me gain over 100 unnecessary pounds. Once my weight came back to normal when I was taken off of the meds [and continued to diet and exercise], that made women take notice immediately as if I'd removed a cloak of invisibility. Many people [especially women] will try to tell guys that weight does not make any difference in meeting women, but in my experience they're wrong, it totally and absolutely does, even when the women of interest are overweight too [and most adults in this part of the Southeast are literally overweight or obese, I'm just saying].

Fair warning, I have only perused a woman whom I was very interested in and wound up dating her twice. At least where I'm at, women always seem to want to make the first move, and the other four or five girlfriends I've had showed definite interest before I did. Also if you have a female friend whom you're attracted to, decide whether you'd prefer to keep her as a friend or try for something more and lose her as a friend before you reveal intent. I have tried to stay friends with both exes and platonic friends who had eventually made it abundantly clear that they were attracted to me, those friendships always went south like General Sherman.

The absolute best way to meet romantic interests is to know yourself better than anyone else does. Don't project whom you think women want you to be, be the sort of person women might want to be with. Asking NT female friends and relatives about this is an excellent way to gain personal insight and perspective into this way of being. The more diverse your interests and personality are, the more interesting you will become to everyone around you, as they will find at least one or two facets of your personality which they both like and relate to, which in turn will make them appreciate you better. Don't ever try to force yourself to like things which you don't enjoy or find uninteresting on your own, but also realize there will be people out there who come to you with interests and hobbies you never thought you might enjoy. For instance, an ex-girlfriend of mine loved international football [soccer], and now I am still a fan of both of the local soccer clubs in Chattanooga and British Premier League matches [LIVERPOOL!!], while I used to be just an NCAA and NFL fan. Remember, the more time you spend by yourself, the more time you have to invest in yourself. The more you invest in yourself, the more your self worth is enriched, and the more interesting you will become to others, be they friends or romantic prospects.

Also if you choose to meet someone IRL after knowing them online, don't have a first date at the movies, you don't really get time to talk with them and share interests. Find a mutual interest like a coffee shop/tea house, museum, zoo/aquarium, sporting event, or a lounge/restaurant/sports or game bar and ask them to meet you there. There are a lot of genuinely horrible and creepy men out there, and a lot of the women I've known have had awful experience with these stalkery/abusive types. It's trite, but be yourself and just relax and have a good time. That's the best way to start a relationship, hands down.