"I hope that I live one heartbeat longer than she does.

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"I hope that I will live one heartbeat longer than she does"

Content warning: This post is about sentiments leading to murder of people with disabilities. Proceed with caution.

At an autism conference recently, I heard the father of a 20 year old autistic man say in his speech to the whole conference, ?I hope to live one heartbeat longer than he does. I?m sure many of you feel the same way about your children.?

That sentiment gets people killed. If you are the parent of a disabled child and you say things like this, it is a matter of life-and-death importance that you stop talking this way. The father who said this is probably entirely correct that many of the other parents in the audience felt the same way. I have heard this sentiment expressed by many other parents of children with disabilities (not just autism.)

Parents who hope to outlive their autistic children are talking about people who, barring tragedy, will almost certainly outlive their parents. Autism does not limit lifespan; most autistic people should live to be old. If you hope to outlive your autistic child, it means that you are hoping that their life will be tragically cut short. It means you think they?re better off dead than they would be living without you. That?s dangerous.

It?s not true. Nobody is better off dead. It is not a blessing to die young. Expressing a desire for someone to die young is not love. (People who say this may well love their children in other ways, but this sentiment is not love.)

Please stop implying that your child will be unable to live and be happy after you die. People just like your child live on in adulthood after their parents die, and your child can too. And they will have a much easier time of it if you accept that they will outlive you, and help them to prepare for their life without you.

The only way it?s likely to live a heartbeat longer than your autistic child is if you kill them and then yourself. Many parents who feel this way do exactly that. And, even if you would never kill your child, people who are considering committing murder can hear what you say. If you say that you hope to live a heartbeat longer than your child, it makes the murder that is the only way this can plausibly happen seem like a much more legitimate choice. Don?t give potential murders that kind of encouragement.

In the disability community, we observe a day of mourning and read a list of people with disabilities murdered by caregivers.
The list is long. And it?s only a list of the names we know. There are many others who died without making the news.

I hope and pray that your child never ends up on this list. I hope and pray that they outlive you and have a happy and meaningful adulthood. I hope and pray that this list never gets any longer.

One murder is too many. Not ever again.

Under the cut is the (as of this post) current list of the names we know. In loving memory; may these murders be the last:

Tracy Latimer, 12 years old, gassed by her father in 1993
Charles-Antoine Blais, 6 years old, drowned by his mother in November 1996
Casey Albury, 17 years old, strangled by her mother in 1997
Pierre Pasquiou, 10 years old, pushed into the sea by his mother in 1998
Jim Helm, 27 years old, killed by his mother in a murder-suicide in November 1998
Daniel Leubner, 13 years old, burned alive by his mother in September 1999
James Joseph Cummings Jr, 46 years old, stabbed to death by his father in the institution where he lived in November 1999
Justin Malphus, 5 years old, beaten and drowned by his mother in April 2000
Gabriel Britt, 6 years old, suffocated by his father in March 2001
Johnny Churchi, 13 years old, strangled by his mother in 2001
Mark Owen Young, 11 years old, poisoned and then pushed off a bridge by his mother in a murder-suicide, September 2001
Brahim Dukes, 18 years old, starved by his stepmother in December 2001
Lilian Leilani Gill, 4 years old, strangled by her adoptive mother in March 2002
Mitchell Dickson, 10 years old, slashed to death by his mother in June 2002
Dale Bartolome, 27 years old, killed by his father in a murder-suicide in July 2002
Jason Dawes, 10 years old, suffocated by his mother in August 2003
Maggie Caraballo, 38 years old, beaten to death by her sister in August 2003
Angelica Auriemma, 20 years old, drowned by her mother who first tried to electrocute her to death in 2003
Scott Olsen, 29 years old, starved to death by his sister in December 2003
Eric Bland, 38 years old, starved to death by his sister in March 2004
Scarlett Chen, 4 years old, drowned by her mother in July 2004
Patrick Markcrow, 36 years old, drugged and suffocated by his mother in March 2005
Tiffany Pinckney, 23 years old, locked in a basement and starved to death by her sister and brother-in-law in April 2005
Sarah Naylor, 27 years old, shot by her mother in a murder-suicide in September 2005
Ryan Davies, 12 years old, drowned after his mother caused him to fall off of a bridge in a murder-suicide
Christopher DeGroot, 19 years old, died of severe burns after he was locked in his parents? apartment alone during a fire in May 2006
Katie McCarron, 3 years old, suffocated by her mother in May 2006
William Lash III, 12 years old, shot by his father in a murder-suicide in July 2006
Lakesha Victor, 10 years old, starved by her mother in August 2006
Marcus Fiesel, 4 years old, wrapped in heavy blankets by his foster parents and left in a closet to suffocate while they went out of town in August 2006
Ulysses Stable, 12 years old, throat slit by his father in November 2006
Brandon Williams, 5 years old, poisoned and beaten to death by his mother in March 2007
Criste Reimer, 47 years old, thrown from a balcony by her husband in 2007
Jared Greenwood, 26 years old, died of infected bed sores after being left in place and neglected by his mother in 2007
Francecca Hardwick, 18 years old, locked in a burning car with her mother in a murder-suicide in October 2007
Naomi Hill, 4 years old, drowned by her mother in November 2007
Shellay Ward, 7 years old, starved and neglected by her parents in November 2007
Maxwell Eyer, 2 years old, beaten to death by his father in December 2007
Xiao Fei, 20 years old, poisoned and suffocated by her mother in 2008
Calista Springer, 16 years old, chained to a bed and abandoned in a fire by her entire family in 2008
Courtney Wise, 17 years old, starved to death by her mother in February 2008
Ethan Scott Kirby, 3 years old, beaten to death by his mother?s boyfriend in August 2008
Jacob Grabe, 13 years old, shot by his father in 2008
Tom Inglis, 22 years old, died after his mother administered an overdose of heroin to him in November 2008
Christian Clay Jenkins, 14 years old, given an overdose of oxycodone by his father in 2008
Kyle Dutter, 12 years old, shot by his father in a murder-suicide in 2008
Lexie Agyepong-Glover, 13 years old, left in a frigid creek by her mother and died of drowning and exposure in 2009
Terrell Stepney, 19 years old, poisoned by his grandmother in a murder-suicide in 2009
Jeremy Fraser, 9 years old, died of recurrent leukemia after his mother withheld the medication that would have saved his life in March 2009
Shylea Myza Thomas, 9 years old, starved to death by her aunt, who then hid her body in order to continue to collect money she received for Shylea?s care in April 2009
Pamela Camille Hall, 59 years old, stabbed by her son-in-law in April 2009
Lloyd Yarbrough, 62 years old, fed an overdose of prescription medication through his feeding tube by his wife in May 2009
Jeremy Bostick, 11 years old, gassed by his father in 2009
Peter Eitzen, 16, stabbed by his mother in July 2009
Tony Khor, 15 years old, strangled by his mother in October 2009
Betty Anne Gagnon, 48 years old, tortured to death by her sister and brother-in-law in November 2009
Walter Knox Hildebrand Jr, 20 years old, died of a seizure induced by his brother?s physical abuse in November 2009
Laura Cummings, 23 years old, raped and tortured to death by her mother and brother in January 2010
Jude Mirra, 8 years old, forced by his mother to overdose on prescription medications in February 2010
Ajit Singh, 12 years old, forced by his mother to drink bleach in February 2010
Gerren Isgrigg, 6 years old, died of exposure after his grandmother abandoned him in a remote area in April 2010
Leosha Barnett, 17 years old, starved to death by her mother and sister in May 2010
Glen Freaney, 11 years old, strangled by his mother in May 2010
Payton Ettinger, 4 years old, starved by his mother in May 2010
Christopher Melton, 18, gassed by his mother in a murder-suicide in June 2010
Rylan Rochester, 6 months old, suffocated by his mother in June 2010 because she believed him to be autistic
Kenneth Holmes, 12 years old, shot by his mother in a murder-suicide in July 2010
Zain Akhter, 5 years old, and Faryaal Akhter, 2 years old, strangled by their mother after she first tried to get them to drink bathroom cleaner in July 2010
Emily Belle Molin, 85 years old, hit and run over with a car by her son in August 2010
Rohit Singh, 7 years old, beaten to death by his father in September 2010
Zahra Baker, 10 years old, murdered and dismembered by her stepmother and perhaps her father in October 2010
Chase Ogden, 13 years old, shot by his mother in a murder-suicide in October 2010
Karandeep Arora, 18 years old, suffocated by his parents in October 2010
Donald Parojinog, 83 years old, starved by his daughter in January 2011
Chad Jackson, 25 years old, starved and neglected by his mother in July 2011
Julie Cirella, 8 years old, poisoned by her mother in July 2011
Joseph Conant, 11 years old, and Nacuma Conant, 33 years old, shot by their father/brother in July 2011
Noe Medina Jr, 7 months old, thrown 4 stories by his mother in August 2011
Benjamin Barnhard, 13 year old, shot by his mother in a murder-suicide in August 2011
Jori Lirette, 7 years old, decapitated by his father in August 2011
George Hodgins, 22 years old, shot by his mother in a murder-suicide in March 2012
Daniel Corby, 4 years old, drowned by his mother in March 2012
Malea Blakely-Berry, 16 years old, starved by her mother in June 2012
Matthew Graville, 27 years old, tortured and beaten to death by his half-brother in July 2012
Melissa Stoddard, 11 years old, suffocated in restraints that her father and step-mother routinely used in December 2012
Robert Gensiak, 32 years old, starved by his mother and sisters in March 2013
Alex Spourdalakis, 14 years old, poisoned and stabbed by his mother and godmother in June 2013
Matthew Hafer, 28 years old, poisoned by his mother in July 2013
Marian Roberts, 57 years old, shot by her father in a murder-suicide in August 2013
Jaelen Edge, 13 years old, poisoned by his mother along with his sister Faith in September 2013
Tamiyah Audain, 12 years old, starved, abused and neglected by her cousin in September 2013
Dameian ?Luke? Gulley, 14 years old, strangled by his stepfather in November 2013
Randle Barrow, 8 years old, drowned by his mother in a murder-suicide in December 2013
Mickey Liposchok, 52 years old, shot by his father in a murder-suicide in December 2013
Damien Veraghen, 9 years old, poisoned and suffocated by his mother in a murder-suicide in January 2014
Vincent Phan, 24 years old, shot by his mother in a murder-suicide in January 2014

Sorry, what is the purpose of posting this thread?

Sorry to hear about Verdandi's experiences...I guess she will not be here to respond so I'll address this more broadly

I regularly read posts on this forum but have not seen anyone supporting parents who murder their disabled children? Have I missed something? As to why so many parents end up doing this is a complicated question, particularly when you consider that a substantial number of the parents in Verdandi's list also subsequently killed themselves.

On the matter of;
**people who act like appearing nice is more important than genuine kindness, and allowing blatant hate speech allowed to flourish under the guise of "opinions."** and
**the idea that some people are more deserving of being treated like actual people than others. Less entitled to respect, to life, to being granted human kindness. **

These are regular points of contention where the forum policy of "free speech" is tempered by policy of self-regulation and restraint in order to not incite hatred or diminish others when indulging in self-expression. It's tricky because at the same time a heavy regulated forum does not work effectively if posters have to cross check every single thing they write. Also certain dominant or selfish personalities may ignore the contributions of a broader group WP posters who are deliberately ignored.

The elephant in the room here is that many (not all) of the people posting hurtful (or posts that don't take into account the sensitivity of others) have comorbid mental health issues themselves that perhaps make them ignorant of hurting the feelings of others on WP. On the flipside many of those regular posters who choose not to come back to WP could be highly sensitive due to personal anxiety or insecurity, low self-esteem or many other mental health factors. It may simply be they over react to one or two inciteful posts directed at them and feel bullied or persecuted. I'm sure I've missatributed a silly posts made by a few people to the general WP population myself and taken a break from posting here.

These represent big challenges to making WP a friendly and congenial environment. A work in progress...

how is this forum over regulated and where is the hotility or hate speech on this post

That was exactly my point

stiil dont get your point.im confused

I'm just saying there is;
i) a risk when you read forums you will come across people's points of view that you don't agree with
ii) in some cases these posts mentioned in (i) may be inflammatory or offensive
iii) my point is there is no need to leave the forum or get moderators to delete everything, it's just as easy to ignore posts you don't like

One possible solution is to employ classification systems like on TV or movies. Threads that may be inflammatory involving discussions that may be construed as offensive could be colour coded in red.

Now, how many on that list were really invalids, incapable of independence?

I don't discount there are some that need support in one form or another, yet it seems that everyone looks at AS kids, and shoves everyone on the spectrum in the category of "can't function".

please dont refer to those of us who are low functioning as invalids,it is an outdated ancient disablist slur that was used by everyone from our own families to teachers, profesionals etc to dehumanise us and visualise us as burdens.

AS kids [and adults] dont get viewed as low functioning, its why so many struggle to get any support; HFAs are HF by default due to having an IQ over seventy,
some might be treated as having autism more severe than what they have though and there may be the odd few who doesnt understand anything about HFA nor LFA and views it as all the same.