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GoofyGreatDane
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11 Feb 2015, 9:26 pm

Sorry if this question offends. But, I have read a lot about Aspergers online and have heard a lot of aspie girls say really blanketed and negative remarks about men with aspergers. I have seen aspie women write things like "aspie women are so much milder than men, men with aspergers are HORRIBLE and creepy. Aspergers is SO much worse in men - I would never date an aspie man.". Someone (an NT) asked a question on yahoo answers for advice on their aspie boyfriend and some girl with Aspergers replied with some remark telling her to avoid aspie men. Some of the most hurtful comments about men with Aspergers come from women with Aspergers, not NTs. I have this impression that a LOT of women with Asperger's think they are better than men with Aspergers.



MjrMajorMajor
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11 Feb 2015, 10:13 pm

That's asking for a blanket statement. It depends on the individual. Personally, I don't think anyone rates higher on some obscure scale. Where have you come across this mindset?



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12 Feb 2015, 2:11 am

I don't hate aspie men.


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12 Feb 2015, 2:41 am

Certainly not. I'm in a relationship with one; he's the most sincere man I have ever met. There are some great ones and some mean ornery ones - you can't generalise as if they are all the same. Character is more important in choosing a partner, not neurological type. Character, personality and values are not uniform on the spectrum at all - WP is abundant evidence of the vast differences. The question is innocently asked here, though even so I think it is somewhat sexist IMO.



ominous
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12 Feb 2015, 8:17 pm

I don't hate Aspie men anymore than I hate other men, which I don't. I'm autistic, not Aspie (or 'mild'), raising an autistic son who I love to bits. I assume he will grow into an autistic man that I love to bits.



886
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13 Feb 2015, 6:06 am

I have found that the social expectations of men are much different than those of women, so naturally as a result a lot of those men are outcasted by women, and naturally those same men react to this outcasting in a very harsh manner. Also a result of social expectations differing from men to women is men being diagnosed more frequently (I would assume, times probably have changed and I don't know the actual statistic, so don't quote me..)

Either way these kinds of stereotypes are very harmful to the autism spectrum as a whole, gender aside :|


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goofygoobers
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17 Feb 2015, 10:36 pm

886 wrote:
I have found that the social expectations of men are much different than those of women, so naturally as a result a lot of those men are outcasted by women, and naturally those same men react to this outcasting in a very harsh manner. Also a result of social expectations differing from men to women is men being diagnosed more frequently (I would assume, times probably have changed and I don't know the actual statistic, so don't quote me..)

Either way these kinds of stereotypes are very harmful to the autism spectrum as a whole, gender aside :|

And the whole thing about aspie women having it easier isn't true. I was bullied, abused, and targeted too.



Sunny55
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18 Feb 2015, 2:19 pm

No, I don't hate Aspie men. I belong to an AS support group and most of the others in the group are men. I like them all, some more than others, as would be usual in any social group.



ominous
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18 Feb 2015, 5:11 pm

goofygoobers wrote:
And the whole thing about aspie women having it easier isn't true. I was bullied, abused, and targeted too.


Same. Also beaten up a number of times in school. What a strange notion that we somehow have it easier.



Moromillas
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18 Feb 2015, 7:56 pm

GoofyGreatDane wrote:
Sorry if this question offends. But, I have read a lot about Aspergers online and have heard a lot of aspie girls say really blanketed and negative remarks about men with aspergers. I have seen aspie women write things like "aspie women are so much milder than men, men with aspergers are HORRIBLE and creepy. Aspergers is SO much worse in men - I would never date an aspie man.". Someone (an NT) asked a question on yahoo answers for advice on their aspie boyfriend and some girl with Aspergers replied with some remark telling her to avoid aspie men. Some of the most hurtful comments about men with Aspergers come from women with Aspergers, not NTs. I have this impression that a LOT of women with Asperger's think they are better than men with Aspergers.


If they're willing to say such nonsense, I would have a hard time believing they're Aspergian.

It's true, a lot of women do in fact hate us, and are indeed prejudiced and believe all these various stigmas, and thus would strangely enough, not want to date. But it's also true that many NTs hate us, not just women.

The "horrible and creepy" part is so far from reality, quite the opposite. If anything, there are many good qualities, like not being just another cookie cutter guy, and being a challenge in the relationship. So women missing out is a sad day for them, and also sad day for us too, I suppose. A sad day all around I guess.



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18 Feb 2015, 8:44 pm

I don't, in fact I feel I might have better luck forming a long term relationship with one since maybe they'd understand me better and have more similarities in brain functioning. Though I did date one guy who thought maybe he had it, and I think it was possible but don't know if he ever got diagnosed or if maybe something else accounted for it. It didn't work with him, he was very depressed and had anxiety and I didn't judge that was more than sympathetic(I struggle with that stuff to so probably more understanding that someone who doesn't deal with that, but he didn't want to drag me down or whatever and well it was his choice to break it off I felt bad for him but what am I to do, pressure them to get back with me when they made their choice and express they would prefer to stick to it....he also still had some interest in some other girl, that he knew he likely would never be with which I guess I don't really get but that is one individual..and he may or may not have been on the spectrum.


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886
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19 Feb 2015, 5:07 am

goofygoobers wrote:
886 wrote:
I have found that the social expectations of men are much different than those of women, so naturally as a result a lot of those men are outcasted by women, and naturally those same men react to this outcasting in a very harsh manner. Also a result of social expectations differing from men to women is men being diagnosed more frequently (I would assume, times probably have changed and I don't know the actual statistic, so don't quote me..)

Either way these kinds of stereotypes are very harmful to the autism spectrum as a whole, gender aside :|

And the whole thing about aspie women having it easier isn't true. I was bullied, abused, and targeted too.

I don't doubt that at all - sorry if the way I phrased it made you feel otherwise. I've been led to believe in my life that whoever is the most socially awkward or shy regardless of gender is always a target.


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breynolds0408
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21 Feb 2015, 10:51 am

Perhaps the aspie women who reply to things like that with harshness have had a bad relationship with an aspie man?
I don't personally hate aspie men.. I love them, although I have had a very bad relationship with one.. Given our social deficits and our inability to put words to our emotions, we hurt each other a lot. Growing up and adapting to a NT world, we both had expectations in what we would receive from a mate in a NT way, not an aspie way. Because we had children, we still have to communicate on a regular basis, and both of us being aspie, and uncomfortable with how things ended (still hurt), we have a lot of awkward silences and even more awkward body language than we normally do.

I would like to add that our relationship happened before my diagnosis, which made understanding our issues even harder..

I would chalk bitter aspie women to the same as bitter NT women.. We all like to blame people who hurt us and make silly generalizations. But we also get over them when we learn about what makes us, us.



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21 Feb 2015, 2:32 pm

I certainly don't think there's anything wrong with them or that they're incapable of being respectful. Plenty of NT men cross boundaries without realizing it, too, or do so deliberately.

ominous wrote:
goofygoobers wrote:
And the whole thing about aspie women having it easier isn't true. I was bullied, abused, and targeted too.


Same. Also beaten up a number of times in school. What a strange notion that we somehow have it easier.


Also bullied, and I certainly don't have any of the perks that always come up in "women have it easy" arguments like having tons of people willing to sympathize with me and care about me because I'm female. I avoid men who make a competition out of hardships, at least, and I do find that there's a recent culture of unsuccessful men who gather online and are just obsessed with this type of thinking. They're not all Aspies, though.



goofygoobers
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21 Feb 2015, 3:59 pm

downbutnotout wrote:
I certainly don't think there's anything wrong with them or that they're incapable of being respectful. Plenty of NT men cross boundaries without realizing it, too, or do so deliberately.

ominous wrote:
goofygoobers wrote:
And the whole thing about aspie women having it easier isn't true. I was bullied, abused, and targeted too.


Same. Also beaten up a number of times in school. What a strange notion that we somehow have it easier.


Also bullied, and I certainly don't have any of the perks that always come up in "women have it easy" arguments like having tons of people willing to sympathize with me and care about me because I'm female. I avoid men who make a competition out of hardships, at least, and I do find that there's a recent culture of unsuccessful men who gather online and are just obsessed with this type of thinking. They're not all Aspies, though.


I've heard online that aspie women supposedly have it easier finding partners than men, but I think that's a load of crap.



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24 Feb 2015, 3:10 pm

I don't. I actually rather like them.

I did deliberately and specifically make a point of not marrying one, because I felt that spouses ought to have different strengths and weaknesses and that, if I planned to have kids (which I did), I should pick someone with different disorders in the interest of providing a wider gene pool for my children to be drawn from.

More living and the acquisition of greater experience has brought me to question the wisdom of that decision.

Three of my six favorite guys (father, maternal grandfather, and friend) are known or believed to be/have been on the spectrum.

Another one of them (friend) is believed to be schizoid.

The other two (husband and son) are ADHD.

The schizoid is the easiest one to talk to. I find his complete and total lack of emotional involvement in anything whatsoever to be useful, helpful, pleasant, restful, and refreshing.

I had many great conversations and much fun in communion with my father and grandfather. My friend-- well, I like him and enjoy his company, even if his tendency to make the same mistakes that I do (and his unwillingness/inability to see it or listen) makes me want to pound both our heads on a wall.

The ADHDers drive me nuts. Absolutely batshit nuts. However, we do in fact have different (and often complimentary) strengths and weaknesses. If we can keep from killing each other, we make good teams. And they color my typically earth-toned world of duty, algorithm, careful impulse control, and conflict avoidance very, very brightly indeed. Life would be hidebound and dull without them.


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