Autism Speaks: The Aspie and You (dark satire)

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NOTE: The following transcript is non-existent. I just made it up off the top of my head because I'm in one of my anti-Autism Speaks rages, so if I unintentionally offend anyone, you have my apologies. Also, my satire skills suck, and this is largely inspired by the anti-marijuana propaganda film from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. You have my apologies in that department as well. Anyway, sit back, relax, and have a laugh if you can.

Just remember that it's all bullcrap.

The following transcript, created for an unproduced PSA, is a reconstruction of a document found inside a garbage bin outside of the Autism Speak headquarters on the night of June 15, 2010. The document itself was badly damaged, with coffee stain and burns throughout the paper used.

FADE IN TO TITLE
(Melodramatic, frightening music swells)
Autism Speaks Presents -- The Aspie and You: A Warning
FADE OUT AND FADE IN
(A pale, skinny boy standing under a street lamp in the dead of night. He is wearing a black leather vest, torn jeans, sunglasses and no shirt. He takes a drag on a cigarette.)
NARRATOR: Parents, law enforcement agencies, doctors... know your Asperger's individual.
(The boy flicks the cigarette away and walks off.)
CUT TO
(A blue tinted urban crowd, in slow motion.)
NARRATOR: They are everywhere; in malls, street corners, subways, even in your own home. They can blend in, undetected, in nearly any enviroment.
DISSOLVE TO
(A nerdy girl pushes up her glasses as she disects a live dog, who yelps in pain. She is totally aloof.)
NARRATOR: They are virtual psychopaths...
CUT TO
(A thirtysomething female standing in the doorway, back turned to us. Her son sits at a desk, reading. His back is turned to us as well.)
NARRATOR(cont.): ... completely lacking in empathy. They have a tendency towards schizoid-like isolation...
CUT TO
(A girl in class sitting down as the class partakes in the Pledge of Allegiance.)
NARRATOR(cont.): ... and possess a complete disregard for authority.
DISSOLVE TO
(The boy at the desk, reading Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four)
NARRATOR: They are intellectual types, preferring to read the works of silver-tounged liars...
CUT TO
(A bearded man sitting on a chair, painting a portrait of a nude woman)
NARRATOR (cont.): ... and create perverted artwork.
DISSOLVE TO
(The boy in the leather vest walking past a girl in a white dress. She slips him a note.)
NARRATOR: They are a tightly knit organization...
CUT TO
(Leather dude at a payphone, calling a man in a business suit.)
LEATHER DUDE(muffled by soundtrack): Met your contact.
CUT TO
(A woman giving birth surrounded by doctors in full gown. The obstetrician gazes intently into her groin. She is in intense pain. The obstetrician looks to his left, at a female doctor. She, too, is gazing intently.)
NARRATOR(cont.): ... and are always looking for new members.
CUT TO
(The relatively nice interior of a bank.)
NARRATOR: In America, one in every five felonies is committed by someone with Aspergers.
(Men in ski masks, armed with sub-machine guns and shotguns burst in.)
GUY WITH UZI: Get the f___ down!
(A nearby security guard pulls out his pistol, and the one of the thugs armed with a shotgun turns to him.)
NARRATOR: When cornered, they will respond with violence.
(The thug fires directly at us, from the guard's POV. The screen turns white.)
CUT TO
(A long-haired girl in bed, curled up in a ball, wearing only her bra and panties.)
NARRATOR: Their undergarments will be crusted with genital secretions from constantly masturbating when they cannot find a sexual partner.
QUICKLY FADE IN AND OUT OF
(Various scenes of carnage and frenzy)
NARRATOR: Know your Aspie. Police and military personnel, you are authorized to use whatever means necessary in apprehending or subduing them. Parents, if you suspect that a loved one is an Aspie, notify your local mental hospital or law enforcement agency immediately. Lives can be saved.

Remember, this was a very dark joke, guys. No offense.

That was a nicely done satire.

Just be careful with that kind of humor - that scene in the delivery room is a little close to home - if they ever get wind of our international conspiracy to create an NT/Aspie hybrid, our plans for world domination will be ruined. We'd be forced to call in the Mother Ship and annihilate human civilization altogether. Not that that would necessarily be a bad thing...

Yes!I agree with Williard!Be careful with that satire of yours.People might start believing it and it will ruin our plans to world domination.If this happen,we'll have to initiate the B plan,remember at our top-secret Aspie meeting last year?We talked about our B plan?Anyway,be quiet about this...

Lol just kidding,this is a very great satire!It looks exactly like the kind of thing Autism Speaks would do,except for the last part with giving the permission to authorities to shoot us on sight...

Brilliant! I copied this to my Facebook page... Gave full credit to the author.

Oh, yes, world domination. Of course.

Being Aspies, we of course have a highly detailed, hundred-page-long five-year plan for world domination, covering such things as what to do in the event that there's road work blocking Route A during Part 5 Subsection A paragraph 3.

But we just throw the pages in with the plans the dyslexics are paying us to transcribe.

BEWARE! For we will STIM at you!

...Not very funny, though. It doesn't play off of any real traits of ours.

But to be funny, it should have a grain of truth.

Weird. I read this: "inspired by the anti-marijuana propaganda film Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," and almost told you you must have misinterpreted the film.

I missed the word "from."

I forgot that was in the movie.

I would love to film this. heheh.

Brilliant! I especially loved the bank robbery scene.