chocolate

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the older i get, the healthier my diet should be.

but i feel like, the older i get, the worse my diet will be, b/c i'm thinking, i'm already 41 years old, so anything i eat now will affect me 41 til i drop dead. when i was 10 years old, anything i ate would've affected me 10 til i drop dead.

cravings gone haywire

sugar
fat
salt
jalepinos
pizza
calzone
stromboli
pasta
marinara
pancakes
eggs
tamales

In the last two days, I bought about 30+ of these dark chocolates with hazelnuts and hazelnut paste.

I've been wounded and will only get worse

Planning to start eating one serving of chocolate a day, starting 26 days from now.

42 years old is old enough to give up on "life"

Should have given up a long time ago

Rude customer asked me a specific question about home improvement and when I didn't know the answer, the idiot had the nerve to tell me that it's my second day at work. But my job description has nothing to do with home improvement. ("Things are not always the way they appear").

Current supervisor is a slave-driver. Even when there are plenty of carts in the lobby, the head cashier has to be able to see me from the sidewalk. Which means no litterbox.

No matter how well I do my job, nothing good or bad will happen anyways

Some of the morons at home Depot are way too theatrical, but they are just being "true" to themselves and doing their "best"

Nothing eventful happened today but I still feel like gorging out of control

Wanna do something fun, not just work

Lately, on days off work when I get back to my house after 4pm or so, been eating one large lunch/ dinner combo. That seems to throw off my circadian rhythm and makes it harder to sleep but a late lunch results in a late dinner and then late bedtime

Everything I do is wrong in at least one way

Not everything I do is correct in at least one way

Been craving chocolate, fat, sugar, pretty much all waking hours lately

My dumpster fire "job" has been getting so stressful lately. (I don't like to use the word "stress" because it reminds me of Mohrs Stress Circle).

Even though my job is completely useless, both Angela's have been micromanaging me so much lately that I think they are trying to get me to quit (constructive dismissal)

In the past two weeks, those idiots had the nerve to tell me that the I need to move the lumber carts to the sidewalk, instead of the corral, at all times. (I find it hard to imagine that any customers saw that the lumber carts were in the "wrong" location and then decided to go to Lowe's instead of home Depot).

Moving all the lumber carts to the sidewalk takes a lot of time and energy

Seriously should have majored in something more useful than Cognitive Science. Also, should have gotten my autism diagnosis before 21.

Yesterday ate between 2 and 4 extra servings. Scale still indicates no weight gained. Paranoid scale not working. Sooner or later will gain a lot of weight. On the other hand, a disproportionate number of coworkers grotesquely fat. I'm terrified of getting fat. However, those grotesquely fat coworkers do everything skinny people do, including live long healthy lives. So whatever.

Also my 42nd birthday is in under two weeks. I've had eating disorder symptoms since 12. But I am now well into middle aged. (Old Man lived 71 years and Old Woman 66). It is too late for me to accomplish anything. Career, marriage, children. The prime of my "life" already passed a long time ago and I am now 41 and nothing accomplished.

Yesterday ate until bloated and ate some more. Must stop

Today woke up way too full but ate the usual size breakfast anyways

I am a pathetic loser

I have been wounded

Home depot is a disaster waiting to keep happening

My "life" has been over for a long time

Over the hill

Health rapidly declining

(Sigh)

muffins

scrambled eggs

biscuit

bread

french fries

brownie

cake

cookie

fried rice

chow mein

peanut butter

girl scout cookie

ruffles



even the slightest movement feels like it takes way too much f*****g effort, s**t!



after my 42nd birthday, i am going to eat one serving of junk food a day.

"life" has been over for a longfuck time anyways

42nd birthday was two days ago

Haven't eaten chocolate yet

Next Thursday is the land surveyors test and one week after that get the results

Expand comfort zone

Uptight

Nervous disposition

Fried noodles

Fried rice

Fried chicken

Pie

Cake

Pizza

Cheddar

Pure willpower. Not strong enough to get rid of cravings

Reduce eliminate postpone

Feel like I am dying

chocolate is much better than nothing, but chocolate is not enough.

i want love. i want someone to understand me. i want to be self actualized.

it ain't happening.

My dumpster fire job has free tortilla chips and jalapenos today

Yesterday it had free tacos

Tuesday it had free enchiladas, refried beans, salad, Spanish rice, cake and soda

Didn't eat any

Exhausted all the time

Every slightest movement takes way too much energy

I am only 42

Craving cheap candy

Reeses
Twix
Milk chocolate
Reeses
Kit kat
Dark chocolate

Comfort food


Expand comfort zone


Idiots don't understand me or care about me, but some of them act like they got me all figured out

They act all "holier than thou"

Kayla
Rolando
Angela w and Angela d

(Rolls eyes)

got no future

destroyed my "life".

nobody's fault except my own

precious lil "people" were just doing their "best" and they were "true to themselves"

(rolls eyes)

indulge

deprive

sugar fat chocolate binge gorge satisfaction

Sure my habits of snacking chocolate had changed a bit.

From eating an entire kilos worth in one sitting as soon as I ever get my hands on some, to gradually just eating said entire kilos through few days up to a week of I ever get some.

That's because I lost some of internal disruptors.



But not all of them it seems.
Or maybe this is a residual habit.

Or maybe it's just a part of stimming for me. That chocolate happened to be a frequent choice of mine, next to salty crispy stuff...?

Else I'm still breaking my bank over it.
It's like doubling or tripling my fare to work.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

wanna go running straight into the arms of a bear claw.

got no future

doomed

below salvage value

failure

Been craving chocolate out of control lately.

"Life" out of control

Exhausted all the time

Sitting up and talking takes too much energy usually

However want someone to talk to

Due to work schedule, can't go to the counseling office

Have not taken a shower since February 2023

Have been working at home Depot for four years and five months and counting. Not made redundant thus far. Maybe tomorrow.

Home depot might require a doctor to sign a form that says that I am not allowed to lift over fifty pounds. The doctor might refuse. Home depot might not allow the accommodations. My stupid lil boss has been micromanaging me to death and I am afraid she will cook up an excuse to get me made redundant.

For example in Feb she said that the head cashier couldn't find me in the parking lot and if it happens again she will write me up. But plenty of times someone can't find someone in the parking lot and they don't all get made redundant. Sooner or later the head cashier won't be able to find me in the parking lot


Constantly outnumbered outsmarted overpowered


Then head cashier Angela had the nerve to tell me that I should be able to sweep the entire home Depot parking lot in 30 minutes. And I am afraid of getting made redundant for working too slowly

Nervous disposition


Uptight edgy

Always scared

Old senile dysfunctional pathetic hateful wounded weak slow dissociated detached disturbed hateful fat broke incontinent impotent worthless inarticulate constipated inadequate



My worthless corpse is just a disaster waiting to keep happening