My friggin anus is closed up PLEASE help

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My friggin anus is closed up, I have eaten a lot lately, and I'm uncomfortable as heck. I took a stool softener, prune juice, apple juice, but nothing is f**king working.

What the f**k should I do?

Do you think it might be stress related? Are you eating so much because you are stressed? Are you eating different foods?

I have had the same problem the last three years. Only just getting somewhere now. In fact today I had a suprisingly satisfying elimination

Click your heels together three times and say, "Open Sesame..."

Prune juice helps. The other things that help are Metamucil and coffee. It also helps to drink lots of water.

If the above advice doesn't work, it might pay to be checked out by a doctor. My father-in-law sometimes goes through that, and they have found he has a kink in his bowels that takes medical treatment to remedy.

Someone mentioned coffee -- I second that. Most "cures" for a backed-up system involve pulling/keeping water in the bowel, but that may not help much if the natural undulating movements of the intestine (peristalsis) are not strong enough (I have some trouble with that due to an flaky autonomic nervous system). Coffee (and other stimulants) increase those movements. There are also stimulant laxatives; they usually contain a substance called "senna."

If it gets really bad you probably should ring your doctor, though.

Ok im good now GEEZ that was bad

Next time you have a problem like that, use senna and castor oil. Disgusting to drink, but they'll work.

Dude you gotta incorporate some fibers in your diet. Eat a banana.

When you say "closed up", do you mean literally or metaphorically?

If metaphorically, try epsom salts. Mix 3 teaspoons in a glass of water, stir, and drink. It has a nasty, almost metallic taste, but just tune it out and chug it. Wait a few hours. It'll clean your system out like a plumbing snake. Epsom salts work by causing a mild toxicity in your colon, causing it to rapidly absorb water from your body. The extra water softens the stools, and after about half a day of you dealing with diarrhea, the effects will go away.

If literally, stop reading this site and go to the hospital. If your anus physically closed up, you're going to have very serious health problems if you don't get it take care of immediately.

physical exercise like walking can get the bowels moving.

Alright now listen to me.

What you have to do is slowly force back open the entry point. You'll need to use your little finger and you'll need to be gentle. This could take anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour and you'll need to wash afterwards. With your finger gently poke 'open' the anus. Gently stretch out the opening until you can fit your whole finger in there. Then work your up the rest of your fingers until you get to the one with the most girth (usually the thumb). Ideally the hole will be big enough to pass waste, otherwise you're in trouble.

Be persistent and with a bit of luck you'll pull through this.

You can do it man.

EDIT: Oh right, you did it. Well maybe next time.