I've dedicated a big chunk of my life and my every day to training, eating right, resting, and growing. There are competitions I could place well in if not the best, one of them being the competition that got me wanting to compete in the first place - I'd really like to give it a go this coming up summer. My issue is my anxiety - going back to school is out the question, I lose jobs before I get them - when I say i've dedicated my life to bodybuilding, I have really dedicated my life, became obsessed. I feel like it's my way of doing something good with myself when I don't know how to many other ways. The people around me are viewing it in the same way. I'm coming to an end with my online "fitness professional" certification training that I have already lost an interest in for the social aspect, one on one training or not, the idea of unexpected phone calls all day or even at all for diet advice, training scheduling, ect. sounds like a little too much - also one on one training in a public gym is out of the question - I see me now being too focused on everything else going on to remember what i'm there to do.
Even as a kid i could not wait to be old enough to be allowed in the gym. When I was old enough I would workout for 2 hours in the school's gym more days than not, come home, and workout some more - turns out this is a bad idea for a 15 year old on the pizza and cinnamon roll diet! I took a break for a good two years when the high school pizza diet failed to make me progress.
I left school, anxiety attacks, and made the decision to give weightlifting another shot. This time I was determined to do everything the right way and learn everything I needed to know to "become the best bodybuilder". A little bit into my lifting which had already turned full force, I get the news dropped on me that I was put up for adoption as a baby and my dad I never knew about was a competitive bodybuilder. Talk about things happening for a reason. From that day on I knew what it was I was going to do, even more so than before.
I've came a long way and am competition ready but still don't feel like I have the nerves to get on stage or even do the "posing" class that teaches you the poses that your required to do on stage. I haven't had any real help through my whole journey, no personal advice, no trainers, and no gyms. I've self motivated, self taught, and pushed myself every step of the way to go well beyond what anyone thought someone can do on their own - the guy who can't hold a job or go to school at that.
This is my way to show the world and myself how far i've came and how much will power and strength people just have to dig down to find. More than just that, it's my dream and my passion. This is where I've worked so hard to get to. I think that maybe if I could just get started - get through the first class and then my first show, that I could mentally get into the swing of it.
Actually getting to this point has worried the back of my mind off and on and now that it's here I'm not fully sure how to handle it.
Anyone else out there have similar issues? Maybe not bodybuilding but dancing, soccer, ect. I'm not sure what i'm really looking for here, maybe just support. The answer I've always gotten towards dealing with anxiety is eat healthy, workout, reduce stress, all things I practice throughout the whole day.
I'll leave it at that before I have to get this post published as a book, I've tried to end this a couple of times so here i go again !
26 Feb 2014, 5:53 pm
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