What to expect

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I may be going on an anti-depressant. Lately I've been sleep a lot, crying myself to sleep, not eating so great (one day this week I consumed 740 calories when I need 1,470 according to My Fitness Pal) because I was sleeping. I love video games and some days, I barely have the physical energy to hold my Ps3 controller. Speaking of video games I've been paranoid about them being taken away and I literally bagged almost everything up in trash bags, but eventually realized how stupid I was being.

It's been rough. Sometimes I'll be doing fine and then all the sudden I get sad again. The one thing I'm nervous about is gaining weight on an anti-depressant. I've heard that people gain only a small amount like 2 pounds maximum and others gain a bunch of weight. My mom to celexa which apparently causes weight gain and my mom said that she didn't put on weight because she was strict about her diet.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't anti-depressants cause your appetite to expand and that's why people sometimes gain a massive amount of weight? I'm terrified of gaining over a size 20 because when I was younger I was put on Depakote and I was ugly as sin because of the weight I gained. Today I ate something that was over 400 calories and was disgusted with myself. I already weigh 230 pounds and don't deserve to have to replace everything in my wardrobe thanks to an anti-depressant. If I notice weight gain while on them, I'll remind myself to be a good girl and not eat any meal that's over 300 calories.

Fashion is what I know and love and it sums me up as a person. I used to be ugly and now that I like how I look I can't be ugly again. Not to mention my body can't support as size 24 or 26. I wouldn't be able to fit into Forever21 sizing anymore. There are days where I don't want to wear makeup, but I put it on anyway because that's the culture I'm into. I've painted my nails so much in my lifetime to the point where they're super thin and break if I lift a heavy object.

Sometimes I wonder if my obsession with vanity and fashion is damaging me. Sometimes I wonder if video games were to be the subculture and hobby I know and love I would be happier. Barely any fashion stores carry a size over a 26 and Forever21 only carries up to a 20.

The only reason I don't play video games is because male gamers don't take me seriously and that really does a number on myself esteem. I'm so sorry I don't have big boobs and lick controllers. I've been called a noob because I don't beat games even though I've had 17 years of experience with games and play a huge variety. When I play video games I feel happy and satisfied provided that I'm not being made fun of. When I look at clothes I wonder what's the point in going on shopping sprees if I'm going to become ugly again.

I'm sorry, I just had to let this all out.