Don't know what's wrong with me...

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Hello. I am 21. I have been held in the psychiatric ward twice for attempted suicide. In the hospital it was suggested that I was bi-polar, that I was clinically depressed, that I had ADD, that I was a hypochondriac, that I had paranoid personality disorder - but no firm diagnosis. After the last 'visit' to the loony bin I began seeing a psychotherapist, which didn't help. I saw him for six months. This was when I was 18. Now I have a daughter. She will soon be ten months old. I do not have a job. Her and I and her mother live with my mother. Her mother works. I stay home and take care of her. We are very poor, obviously - her mother is a waitress. I think I am getting worse. I can't hold a job...the last job I had I held the longest - 9 months - then walked out, knowing that I was about to be a father. I couldn't stop myself. I have no friends. My family is, I think, at the end of their ropes. I do not know who to talk to. As I said, we are poor - I don't think I can afford to pay anyone for help. I have no health insurance. Lately I have been on the verge of trying to kill myself again...this is obviously a problem, mainly because I have a daughter who I love very much that I can't quite bring myself to leave. I want to die, most of the time. I am never happy, even when to others I seem to be. I feel like I am walking underwater. I am doing this for my daughter, and also for my own grandiose delusions about my own importance. I do not hallucinate, but I am extremely paranoid. I do not go out often at all, and usually when I do it is by myself - as I said, I have no friends. I feel I am going insane. I am so f*****g lonely. But I am a social ret*d. I am told that I am good looking - but this doesn't help my social skills - girls are attracted to me - until I open my mouth. Mostly people don't try to speak to me, and even though I desperately want them to, I flee when they do. I put myself in public places in hopes that someone will speak to me - yet never approach anyone, and do not make myself open to be spoken to. I am terrified all the time. I am conscious of every move I make...every step I take I am wondering - am I going to twist my ankle, fall down, and break my skull open? Every time I hold a knife, I think - what if I just plunged this into my chest, voluntarily - or not? I don't really know what I'm talking about. I'm just typing. I am very desperate - yet conscious of the fact that it sounds as if I do not care. I care very much, about everything, yet I can't cry. My girlfriend is an angel. I treat her like s**t. I can't stop myself. She has had to come home early from work so many times now because I could not handle taking care of our daughter that now they are taking away some of her shifts. I can't stand this. I feel so f*****g guilty. I don't know what to do. I need help. I know I do. Yet I refuse it. Because I know I can't pay for it...and also it scares me. It most certainly didn't help in the past. Somehow I smooth talked my way out of taking medications both times I was in the psych-ward. I was proud to be the only patient not being forced to take medications. And both times I got out in under a week. I am a wonderful actor when I want to be - yet the most honest person I know. I'm miserable, but nothing touches me. Do you know what I am saying? Nothing touches me. Yet I am utterly miserable. I am making the people around me miserable. I do not want my daughter to grow up with me as I am now - I'd rather die. I love her so, so much. She does not deserve to have a father like me. Yet I stay alive - 'for her.' BS. For me. No, for her. I don't know. Goodbye.

You sound a bit like me. You probably sound a bit like a lot of people on here. That's one thing this site is good for, connecting with people who have similar problems and finding ways of overcoming them. I wish I had some answers for you, but I only have insight through my own problems. Here's what I'm wrestling with. I've been working as a cook for 10 years and it's a complete dead-end. I work 12-14 hour days and have no life, I don't get along well with people at work and I feel like they're trying to get rid of me so I think I have to quit AGAIN before I'm fired for whatever reason they throw at me. This has happened many many times. The longest I've worked somewhere, by a long shot, in the past 10 years was 1 full year and I can't keep doing this. I'm 28 and my hair is turning gray. Something has to change before I get too old to change. There's no way in hell I'm suited to ever manage a kitchen as a chef and that's the only way out available for me now.

Right now I'm trying to decide whether or not I should contact my local Asperger's Society and get some general advice on finding a less stressful job that I'm better suited to and possibly get some assistance in going back to school. Some days I feel like I shouldn't ask for help but I'm beginning to see that it's necessary and that there's nothing wrong with that if it helps me to operate happily and productively in society.

While I'm remarkably good at 'holding it together', things really effect me more than they seem to. Though suicide is sometimes on my mind, I always rule it out instantly. There's too much I want to see unfold in this one short life we're given; I'm sure you can relate.

(sigh) OK I just got around figuring out how to reply. I wasn't a member before so there was a few steps. Don't know what to say but would love to talk to you. I found your text by typing in "how do I know whats me and whats my bipolar" in google and your thing was the first on the list. Not much else came up so all my energy went into listening to you. I can see your honesty and... even when you lose control and yell at your girfriend and treat her like s**t I believe thats still your honesty. Difficult situation to be in but some people need support in areas where others are comfortably competant. You are smart in ways that other people will never experience. Not only smart, but wise (and you are only 21 I see). You are wise for knowing yourself. There is a massive problem I see too and that is how you don't seem able to recieve appropriate care. No wonder you get hurt and push people away. Your problem is complex and needs the skills of understanding by someone who knows their stuff specific to your stuff. Shame about you not having the means$ but there are options out there free. I've been through the mental system for years. Umm pretty much 8years as a serious go-er. I contacted a psychiatrist when I was 15 when I knew things were wrong but when they said I was fine (because I didn't tell them everything, they didn't ask, and I was ashamed at that age to admitt suicidal)So it wasn't till years after. Anyway my point being that when I started getting admitted, the hospital staff did not know exactly what was the problem. Because things are complicated. Now, I am still going through the throws of understanding but I see a light at the end of the tunnel only because I finally feel equiped with enough skilled professionals and friends and spiritual family who really want to help me. I am not trying to make you feel bad. Please no, that's not what I trying. It is complicated and to begin with, there is nothing right to say until you trust someone. And it is other peoples job to earn your trust. Don't forget that.

I've been through all the major religions trying to find humans 'whole enough' to not only understand but to be also able to give unconditionally becuase lets face it, you probably have little to give currently. People who don't expect return with an uncertain date of possible return. Note that I seeked out religion because I had no money also.

I think that you must be wise because you can swindle your way through the mental system (getting out of taking drugs) and it seems that only victums with such insight can put doctors at such ease that they release you. I believe you deserve help. The question is who?

I don't know you well enough to suggest, but I wish you well.