Wishing disabilities on oneself

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Well, I think I might have Cyclothymia, but I have no diagnoses of anything. On the other hand, I do actually have (hypo)manic episodes (unless I'm so good at faking it that I fool even myself ), so that could be real.


Hmm, maybe you are correct. Although, I don't necessarily make everything up. Like yesterday I woke up and had inexplicably poor eyesight, where everything further than 15 or so feet away was blurry and doubled, and I didn't want that to go away. Maybe it's a mix of Münchhausen and masochism.

The only thing I know for certain is that somehow, somewhere I'm messed up in the head, but I have no idea what it is.


Ok, I understand what you mean now. Yes, that's what I'm talking about, although I've never done drugs and am not going to. Even if I did, it's not temporary, so not very much worth it.

Well it is supposed to be temporary, sometimes it does not work out that way......depends on the person I guess.

I used to diagnose myself. I don't anymore, because I have more experience with the clincial application of psychology. I have taken a lot of psych. classes at college and have five years experience working with mentally ill people. The more I learn, the more I know that I don't know. My supervisor says I know enough about psychology to be dangerous, and she is right. I know the symptoms of a lot of mental disorders, but I don't know how to spot them in people, respond appropriately to them, or come close to treating them. There are too many variables that get in the way. Seeing her in action lets me know that. She is on a totally different level of comprehension when it comes to mental disorders.

I have forced myself to limit myself to the diagnoses I have: dependence on several substances, depression, and more recently Aspergers. I suspect I have a lot of other disorders but don't pay any attention to those thoughts. Rather, I trust my therapist to diagnose me. If he sees a problem, then he will bring it up to me. I try to be as honest as I can with him so that he can see what my real problems are.

The reason I looked up all these disorders and tried to diagnose myself is because I knew I was crazy. I just didn't know what to call it. I also knew something was wrong with my parents. My family was crazy. I wanted to know what the problem was so I could fix them so they could take care of me.

I also know a lot about psychology and know the symptoms of a lot of disorders. The thing is though once the psychologist diagnosed me, I did a ton of research and have educated myself to the extreme that actually has caused people to be suspicious of me. Sometimes when I go into the hospital, I use all the medical terms and that causes them not to believe me. I don't really have words to describe my feelings other than the medical terms for it. It is just easier to describe it as a doctor would. Instead of saying "someone is putting thoughts into my head and other people can hear my thoughts" I say, " I have thought insertion combined with thought broadcasting" it is shorter to say that. Instead of saying " I have a lack of pleasure and interest in activities" I say, "I suffer from anhedonia." I sometimes try to dumb myself to a normal patient level but it doesn't work out usually. I also think it makes me feel smarter than the average patient. I also say, "I have auditory and visual hallucinations and outsiders would view my thoughts as bizarre delusions even though I believe my beliefs 100% conviction." Who in the hell would believe that? I know my thoughts are weird but I wouldn't call them delusional, the outsiders and doctors would. I just know that. I know my thoughts can be bizarre at times. I am just weird and since birth. Everything that comes out of my mouth to outsiders are either just weird or a bizarre delusion. The thing is other forums I go to also uses medical terms to describe their feelings all the time. In fact I actually use less medical terms than they do! I don't do it for attention or fake my symptoms, I would never do that. I just describe my symptoms as doctors would just to get to the point and feel smart. Otherwise I am as dumb as everyone else. Also, its my special interest is psychology and mental disorders since it affects me. Most of the time I can tell that I hallucinate except the auditory are impossible. The visuals are the easiest to tell at least in me.

Well, perseveration is partly related to that. But like you I am very interested in "insanity", and wish I was mentally insane, like schizophrenia.

[i]Well, I don't know that having schizophrenia is something I would want. I've been in and out of psych wards and group homes for the last ten years on and off, and most of the people I've ran across who are purportedly schizophrenic don't lead very functional lives. The disease process that is schizophrenia robs them of their mental faculties and leaves the paranoid subtypes afraid of people and situations to the point where they are often isolated and lonely. Then, you have the stigma and misunderstanding that comes with the term schizophrenia, and that doesn't lend you much hope of getting along socially. Of course, anyone on the Autism Spectrum probably can relate to feeling lonely, experiencing social problems, and not always being "functional" as well.

I can't say I've ever wished illness on myself, but when I know something's wrong, I do all the research to find out what it could possibly be. I thought I might have had schizophrenia, but fortunately I was wrong and it was 'just' psychosis.

That said, just for a change it wasn't me suggesting things. It was my psychiatrist who suggested I might have Asperger's. I'm being tested in a week and two days.

This is exactly me. I don't really tell anyone, though (so you have my respect for posting it publicly ), because I feel so ashamed for even thinking like that.

Awesome, I'm not the only one.

I wanted to be diagnosed with autism simply because that was the only thing that could I explain my issues. The only other thing I wanted was anorexia. If you could see me, you'd clearly see that I do not have that though.

I have often wished I was schizophrenic, not sure why.
For a while I thought I was, and was quite terrified about it. But now it seems quite interesting and attractive to me, but I no longer think I am schizophrenic. Just a crazy imagination / mind.



I am not sure I would want anything physically damaging to my health. Maybe mental would not bother me as much, but only certain things. I have always felt I am quite bored with life, and need more excitement. And mental illness would probably provide excitement, maybe that is why I find schizophrenia so appealing.

you're funny

I completely understand how the OP feels. It began when I started high school and I became more conscious of mental disorders. I feel embarrassed for admitting this, but I felt that having various mental disorders would make me a more "interesting" person (I watched too many teen soaps ). Plus, to be honest, I was hoping for sympathy and attention from others.

Thanks. That could be part of it for me.

Masochism doesn't necessarily include antisocial behavior.

I believe you when you say that for you the pleasure at being ill is masochistic. But it doesn't
have to be that way for everybody. There can be a number or reasons why someone seeks
to be ill.

If for example a person was taught in childhood that being ill was the only way he could
get loving attention, this can make him develop a compelling tendency to put himself in
situations that will make him ill.

There are some aspects of being ill that I have found pleasurable. It is often when I have a
fever. But that's about it. There may be times when being ill can make you think "Ah, now
I can relax for a bit, just lay back and sleep whenever I want to". But I soon grow bored
with such a situation. Generally speaking I hate being ill. It's a nuisance, especially if it
includes consistent nagging pain or makes natural behavior difficult (like f.x. breathing can
be difficult and/or painful when you have pneumonia).

Wanting disorders... I can't say I recognize that. But I think I know what you mean. It isn't
the disorder as such, but the special position and possible attention that comes with it.
Does that sound correct?


I think some of this phenomenon can develop with someone who feel (read: Are being told)
they aren't special, and then they see someone with a disorder who get's special attention
and admiration for some reason or other. What people often forget is it wasn't the disorder
that got the person to be in that situation, the disorder is an extra element about them, but
once they have done something remarkable, their disorder is what others talk about. That
gives an illusion that disorders alone can make you special and unique.

I have yet to hear of a disorder that makes me think: "I'd like to have those issues!... Man,
such wonderful hardships! Being unable to keep up, get left behind and be scorned by others.
Especially being ignored must be so great!"

Nope, not for me, anyway. I'm very happy to not have any disorders.

(yeah, I know, others think having Asperger's is a disorder, but I disagree).

((Okay, and I have ADHD too. But I think it's really just a natural part of my personality.))

Guys, don't be ashamed of this! There are always reasons for whatever
we feel and do. I'm sure this is not uncommon at all, and that says more
about common mentality and how we each have been treated than it
says about those who feel like this.

If I hadn't noticed that the disorders are not what make others give some-
body special attention I would almost surely have wanted to find some
unique and exciting disorder to covet.

A lot of it is about awareness. I was lucky, others who don't understand
why someone might secretly wish they had a disorder were lucky, that's
all. We/they are not better, and you are not worse, just more sensitive,
that's all. And being sensitive is an asset even though it may not seem
that way.

Not only OP is brave for posting this topic, everybody who responded
and contributed are brave also. Very few people have the guts to harbor
such candidness. Be proud!

I sometimes think it would be nice to be ill in hospital, just because "patient" is such a well defined role & everyone else tends to do everything for you rather than expecting you to be able to do things. There are set visiting hours and if you don't feel like talking to people you can just claim tiredness and they will happily go away.

Of course the reality involves being too cold with scratchy blankets and too much light and weird noises and humming equipment and lots of other horrible things (not including the illness itself!)