Will I ever be the same? Post-psychotic break.

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Hello, I am a 22yr old aspie college student and I just got de-railed from life activities in general in a matter of days due to a psychotic break. I believe stress was the main contributor, as I may have been in a downward spiral for up to three months - which I did not recognize at the time - before the acute symptoms started. I just wanted to push myself as far as I could in order to achieve personal and professional growth in familial relationships and college, but I had no idea I could break myself just with good honest effort.

I've been "crazy" for about three weeks and I've been diagnosed with aspergoid psychosis. It started with mild seizures and ended with severe positive / negative schizophrenia-like symptoms that landed me in the craziest part of the crazy house (I got out after 11 days - 5 of which I can't recall due to memories being jumbled). They put me on 8mg of risperidone and 2mg of benzatropine / day to give me at least some stability.

I had to quit college, video games, movies, and most leisure activities in general because either the stress or the excitement would trigger psychosis. There are no longer any mental "brakes" to save me from psychosis like most normal aspies and NT's. I have to make a conscious effort to put on the "brakes." Fortunately I'm not hallucinating any more because of the meds, but it feels like I've been "unschooled" in everything and I'm having to relearn every thing (even fixing my own meals). So I'm basically a big 22yr old baby now. I'm having to teach myself even basic necessities such as recognizing hunger, hot/cold sensations, etc.

I'm on the road to recovery now with the imminent threat of psychosis. There are more details to this story that I want to reveal in time, but I just provided a short skeletal framework for ease of reading. I just don't want anybody here to fall like I did. Hopefully, if nobody else has, I can set an example here of how hard work and perseverance can cause psychosis, (and a certain recreational drug called marijuana, although I am uncertain of how much effect the drug had). Here's an interesting article that helped even my mom discover who I really was - I was diagnosed with AS about 14 years ago.

http://www.paulcooijmans.com/asperger/s ... erger.html

The entire website seems to be really awesome!

First of all, I hope you feel better and soon. For me, the feeling of being break-able is just hard and a strange shock to the mind and heart. Take care. It sounds as though you have good support? The marijuana connection is absolutely true - some of us cannot handle it. Me being one of that type which immediately hallucinates. I realized this and stopped trying it decades ago.
Thanks for that link - a really good page to read & I like the perspective very much. Sent it to my family member who is AS like me. Will look at the rest of the website too.
- mountain

Intresting I feel marijuana is one of the main reasons I have not had a psychotic break yet, it calms me down......and when reality starts looking/feeling weird it has a way of kind of bringing me out of that madness and back into myself. But it depending on the person it can also contribute to things like that.

Yea, I haven't smoked for a while now and I already notice an improvement! But there's still a long road to recovery for me .

I noticed today just how badly sunlight affects me now. I can't even go outside without a dark pair of shades on. P.S. I recommend the amber shades - as they filter out the blue sky the best. I can't tolerate a clear day with blackened shades, but with amber shades I can ! They need to be pretty dark, though. Polarization helps but isn't necessary. This can even be a bad thing because if I look through two or more polarized filters (i.e. while driving and looking through the tinted glass windows I get a trippy, distracting rainbow effect over everything).

But that isn't the worst of it. It seems that the most profoundly affected aspect of my life are my social skills. I tend to get pressured speech really easy in front of strangers. If I stick around long enough, though, I can end the conversation with a smile and a goodbye that suits the person I'm talking to.

I just need to be "grounded" in order to communicate effectively - and in front of people I don't know that can be quite challenging, as I always see them as a computer awaiting input. Though, I know this not to be the case - I should be listening instead of talking - I still tend to talk a lot when I meet strangers due to the nervous energy I get. As such, I view strangers as people not to be reckoned with - and should I have to I need to be as quick to the point as possible. BUT, since they're strangers and every "stranger" is a unique personality unto themselves and speak in a certain unique way, I have no idea how to communicate with the person and I become goal oriented (i.e. this person is a fast food worker, I need my burger and fries, but I want to be polite and I have no idea how to be polite to this particular person).

I need to learn how to listen to people better, then. Although I get nervous in front of other people because I'm afraid of offending people and I get embarrassed when I notice saying something in a rude manner. Hence, the source of the nervous energy. I go around in circles over this stuff!

Notice, though, I say "person" and not "people." I'm really bad at talking with groups of people. I tend to focus on one person at a time while speaking - I find it exceedingly difficult to keep more than one stranger in mind at a time - but I know my family well enough to not get that nervous energy. There's just too much "I" and not enough "us" in conversation with me. I hate that trait but as I said - I'm going around in circles in my head to figure out how to break these bad habits .

At least with asperger's syndrome I didn't have trouble speaking to more than one person at a time. Although, of course, I was an aspie and had trouble speaking with NT's anyway. This kind of makes me not want to be out in public at times. I can't let that stop me from having a life, though!