Please don't judge me Please help me I really need help

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Hi what you are about to read may or may not seem a bit weird and/or crazy to you,
but this is how I think, the person I am having problems with you obviously don't know and will only know him from the things I say, but then again who really knows anyone, I know you will probably suggest a therapist and/or medication, well I am taking Anti-psychotic drugs from my Psychiatrist and I am on the verge of finding a therapist or Psychologist , but for the time being I just need your help, any recommendations would be great(books,natural drugs,self therapy) except for hypnosis.

Okay here I go, in mid 2004 I was 18 and a woman in her mid 30's in my tafe class seduced me into going to her house(constant sexual texting) which I did, but nothing happened, sure we kissed a lot but I still kept my virginity, then the next day she dumped me and wanted nothing to do with me, I was devastated , but I managed to cope eventually, I did quit class though, and found solace in a few members from my church, one in particular Darren(in his late fortys at the time) did not help so much, but because he spent a lot of time with me, and I kind of hero-worshiped him for doing that, I put his opinion on top of everybody else's, he actually drove me to her place of work in order to see her but she was not there, the mother was though and that was awkward, anyhow when we left Darren was a bit disappointed that she was not there, but said to me, well you know what they say like mother like daughter, she'll probably turn out as ugly as her mother.

We continued to talk about this woman for several weeks of hanging out, later he even read in the local paper they had sold their business(a local caravan park) and moved to another town 3 hours away, then later he stopped wanting to spend time with me, he was more interested in hanging out with other youth in the church, and I stopped being number one in his life, I tried doing stuff with him, but he was bored of my company, so I made new friends, but then when all them had moved, including the youth he was befriending, to other churches in other towns, I grew very lonely, I had stopped obsessing about this woman but was still hurting inside, so my parents one day in mid 2005, got me to attend a special seminar at church which would be the beginning of me becoming more active in the church and handed more responsibility's in the church too. When I got out of the seminar though, Darren walked up to me in a hurry, I said Hi Darren how you been?, been fishing lately(as he liked fishing) he ignored this question, and went on to ask "So is that old bird still chasing you?" then he said grumpily, or anxiously "YOU know the one from the caravan park?" then someone else from the church walked up and started chatting with us, but I could not bear chatting, even though I was a young man of 19 - 20, I quickly found my mum and got her to drive me home, I was upset almost to the point of crying, I was confused, he knew that woman had ceased chasing me, so why mention her like she still was, and furthermore he knew she was a long way away, so why mention her like she was close by. It worried me for years that maybe I had had sex with her, without my knowledge, and it took me years to come to a conclusion that I had not had sex with her, but then I started worrying about other things, and eventually I knew it was time to consult the mental health practices up my way which I did, and to this day I have been going on and off different types of medication, and have seen two Psychologists who both did not help, as their expertise was tied more into depression, and trauma, where as I was and still am clearly manic along with many other symptoms.

Anyhow later I started wondering why he had mentioned it in the first place, and eventually I got the courage to contact him, alas I wish I had done so from the very beginning, it would of been along the years of 2008 - 2009 that I first contacted him asking if he could remember asking, and why he had asked, this I did a few times as nearly every time we were interrupted while I was trying to squeeze the truth out of him, he came up with a different answer each time, but I never really got to repeat to him word for word what he said to me, until recently, he was very upset, focusing on the fact that I had not let it go, even though I told him I had mental problems that make it hard for me to let it go and that all he had to do was explain more clearly, which he did not, instead when I quoted to him what he had said all those years back in his same voice he used all those years back(yep that's right I could remember what he sounded like) and word for word, he interrupted me when I said in his same voice to him "YOU know the one from the caravan park?"

he quickly said "there, right there, your exaggerating!" I said I was not, but he insisted(grumpily) that I was, truth be told, the reason I am mentioning this today Is that I think there is something wrong with my brain, I remember quoting what he said in his voice to my mum, straight after the original incident, when I had rung him and talked to him before he had come up with all sorts of excuses, the one he used twice was that and I quote "you know how it is, when your down town and see familiar faces you have not see for a while" mum tried to make sense of this, and figured he might of been referring to someone he had seen at church or down town who reminded him of an old girlfriend(who I had told mum about many years ago, after he told me) who had been chasing him, and that made him think 'I wonder if so and so is still getting chased by his old girlfriend?? I better find out' when I asked him if this is what he meant he said I was looking into the conversation too much, I asked what did he really mean and he said just that, seeing people down the street that you had not seen for a while, which is funny because another time before he had said and I quote "Its just I was getting chased by a woman too" then we were interrupted again, and he quickly said and I quote "anyway lets just start fresh" but he had still not answered my question.

This last time(and I'm not even going to bother talking to him again), he had snapped at me, then gone and said stuff like 'oh but how do you know their chasing you, do they write you a letter or do they call you??" in a sly voice(honest not making it up) then other stuff like ''My family always used to have arguments over misunderstandings but I never did" then later he said that thing about the exaggerating and also stuff like "It's GOOD in my Heart!, Why not yours!?" then I would answer and he would cut me short and say "NO WHY NOT YOURS?" then he go on in a sad voice " you know I've never done anything to hurt you, I've always done stuff for you, and then you had to bring up this woman" then other stuff like "you should be thinking of poor so and so he's in a wheelchair think of he's suffering" and I'd say " yes I know but I've had to live with this for quite a lot of years now" then he'd get angry later on and say "HOW ARE WE GOING TO FIX THIS??"" and I would say "well when you came up to me" and he would go ""NO!, is it FIXED?" he was really pushing my buttons but he's as well, I ended up hanging up on him, after he was giving me a sermon, so to get back to the point,, I know he's a jerk, but how do I know what parts of what he say's are true and what are crap??, how do I know if I did exaggerate and what did I exaggerated?, and please don't tell me I have to ask him again, the guy scares me, always has!, maybe it's just me, but even when I was staying over at his place I never felt the same the next day, he'd always leave me feeling sick in my stomach, yet I still would spend time with him, when he wanted me too.

He seems to have all the young ones liking him, even the girls, which is odd because those same young ones find it hard to get along with the other church members the same age as him(which would be 50 now), but he makes a habit of giving them alcholic drinks and taking them fishing and snorkling like he used to do with me.

Straight after the conversation I went into the bath with a sharp cooking knife and slit my legs, it felt good and eased the pain that had come from the conversation.

Basically he makes me feel crazy, and the stuff he says imply s something that may or may not be true, can you help me to know what symptoms you think I have?, if its necessarily for me to worry about the exaggeration part , and also I should mention I taped the first conversation(unbeknownst to him) and me and mum listened to it and because she picked up something I did not, or so she thought, and she could remember me telling her about this guys old girlfriend years back(when he told me originally not when he said it later when I was asking him the question, she could not remember me telling her that but I could and can remember her saying he likes to make a big deal out of stuff)

because of all that, I figured I had missed out on something in the conversation(even though I listened to it twice before deleting it), then later I worried he was a great mind, and made everything else in this world seem useless, because he thinks and acts in such an odd way yet is not in a mental hospital and is married and working, how can that be, and can like my mum says blow hot n cold, also he puts on different faces for the occasion, he'll act smart with me then dumb with my dad, a lot of people think he's mentally disabled, but having spent time with him I know he's actually quite smart, it really confuses me, especially the way he talks, please now you've read all this, and I know your probably tired now but can you please answer these questions.

- Is he a great mind??, a complex mind?, is there others like him? and do books,tv, or other great minds or pursuits, hobby s, entertainment seem useless because I have not worked him out?, or is he greater then all these things, do you think for example he's got a greater mind then Hawkings, or Einstein or even JFK, or actors, singers, etc, John cleese, for example, or anyone you can think of.


- Do I think normally?, what do you think is wrong with me?, would anyone worry like me about this kind of situation?

- Can someone please talk to me, help me see things through until I find a therapist, I'm waiting for one to come into work at the moment, until then I only have mum and dad.

- Is there something wrong with my brain memory, or way of seeing things, anything for me to worry about?

- Can you recommend more then 1 kind of self-therapy, and/or books and/or medication(prescribed or natural, preferably natural)

- Do I have anything to worry about with the exaggeration thing I was speaking about?

- Are there people like this guy around, or is he so unique he has to be awed,

- Why do I feel so drawn to thinking of him all the time?

- One thing I did get from continually asking him, he never saw or heard from that woman chasing me, or her parents again(well he only ever met the mother), though he could be lying I think he's probably telling the truth on that one.

Hey there,

wow what an intense post, very difficult to get through.
Look i am not going to tell you to get over it cause clearly I can see that you are being held hostage by your obsessed mind.
If you want to try to stop this situation first you need to know what you are dealing with.
I suggest you get a diary and record each and every time you have thoughts about this conversation, how long the episode lasts and also rate the intensity.
You need to also record the things that help to distract you from your obsessive thoughts - exercise, watching TV, seeing people etc and note how effective each strategy is.
You need to accept that the way you are thinking is obsessive and is not helping you to shed more light on the situation its only making you go around in circles of confusion. Recording how often you have these thoughts and how difficult it is to stop may help you to realise that you need to do something about this so that you are able to live a more fulfilling life.
You have spent years on this and I believe that this is more than just a special interest it is more like severe OCD from your description.
OCD can be extremely debillitating, I am glad you are looking for a therapist, tell your psychiatrist if you havent already done so.
There are medications and therapies for OCD that may help.
Good luck.

I don't think you need to doubt your own memories just yet. Sure, people misremember things all the time, but if you tell me you DISTINCTLY remember this man saying an exact thing and in a certain way, then I'm more inclined to believe you than him.

As for this man, his actions are easily explained by simply him making you doubt yourself and your memories to avoid a difficult conversation. We often forget, as truthful as we are inclined to be, that there are people out there who will lie right to your face and look and sound as sincere as anyone has ever seen. And sometimes they won't even have a good reason to lie except that they just like to play head games with people. It gains them nothing except watching you squirm over logical inconsistencies like a hampster in a cage.

And his interest in the woman? I suppose the most cynical explanation is that he wanted her for himself and used you to find her. Or, failing that, having a relationship vicariously through you. Though it is possible he just thought it was a fun thing, to try and hook you two back up.

Nothing you've told me indicates that this man is much more than a slightly above average intelligent man with possible bipolar tendencies. I'd say don't get hung up on him. There are SO many interesting men and women out there if you just know how to find them.

Hi I was also wondering if I should be worried why he asked the question, when he obviously knew she had dumped me.

It is unclear from what you have written what Darren's original intent was in asking that question. It could have been an innocent attempt to engage you in conversation, a joke that backfired or something more sinister.

I am also unsure exactly what the nature of your relationship with Darren was, it is impossible to give a full and accurate picture in a forum post.

What is clear is that now it is a relationship that is clearly very unhelpful to you mentally and emotionally. Anyone who leaves you feeling sick to your stomach or wanting to self-harm after you spend time in their home or even just talking to them is really someone that you should be avoiding at least for the time being. Maybe that is something you can review with your therapist (when you get one) when you are feeling better and more able to make rational decisions.

It is also a little unusual for a 50 year old man to be hanging around with a bunch of teenagers and giving them alcohol. Are their parents around when he is doing this? If not I would consider that to show some lack of judgement on his part.

It is unlikely that he is abnormally gifted as such people are rare, but he does seem to have a very charismatic personality to have had such an effect not only on you but on the other young people that still surround him. Don't beat yourself up for being drawn into this relationship, but do try to keep away from him for now.

Good luck with finding a therapist. If you find a good one I am sure it will be a big help for you in working out what has been going on for you these last few years and hopefully you will be able to move on with your life.

He sounds like this dodgy bloke who used to drink in my local. He always had a group of youngsters around him and would buy them drinks. Sad bastard he was, couldn't relate to people his own age, so abused the inexperience of those new to the pub game. He was in his late 30's. Even convinced a couple of them to lay with him, which I think said a lot about him.

The one you're talking about was quick to move on to another boy when he "tired of you". Was that because he didn't get "anything" out of it?

Personally I think you're well shot of him.

I tend to get agree with sacrip.

Your post was very personal, an it was a little hard for me to sort through all the complexities of it, since you are describing things third-hand.

It is hard to say from your post alone whether Darren is a jerk or not, but he sounds a little off to me to be honest.

It also sounds like you are ruminating over something that will may never be solved. I think this is an OCD trait, and I often do the same thing.

If you could go into more detail about this woman who seduced you, that might provide some greater insight. It sounds like you feel she took advantage of you? Am I wrong?

Heya! I read through your entire post but have not the courage to read what others replied to you, so I may repeat what has been said. This is my take on the situation:

I am guessing that if you are here, then you have Autism/Aspergers and you certainly know about it if you post on here. For that reason, I wouldn't worry AT ALL about feeling like you might be distressed for "strange" reasons, most of us are a bit strange on here, sure.

There seems to me to be a few distinct problems you are traying to make sense of here: the fact that you had some sort of sexual history at a time when you were still young and a virgin, the relationship to the guy in church and the fact you are worried about the workings of your brain.

In terms of the woman: relationships of a sexual nature can be confusing when you are an 18 year old virgin, PARTICULARLY if the woman is that much older, and neuro typical (ie, more able to manipulate/play mind games than someone on the spectrum). If you were that worried you may have had sex with her, I am guessing your virginity was/is important to you, and that you wanted to value your first time. Believe me, this is something I believe in with an autistic passion... When you DO find a therapist, you should maybe try to talk about that woman "in isolation" from the problems with church guy or how you think your mind is weird, to try and figure out what the whole experience represented to you and how to get properly over it. I understand it has been years but on the other hand, if the mere fact church guy would mention her could put you in such a state, I am guessing she is still somewhat an issue to you. and it's not nice to have an issue of a sexual nature at 18, because it can affect you sexually for a long time.

Your second problem is relating to the workings of your mind. You freak that you can remember conversations word for word even YEARS after they took place, and that you would even reproduce them in the guy's voice. These, as far as I know, are autistic traits. I probably have AS and I can't repeat what someone says to me in his own voice. But I CAN repeat conversations EXACTLY as they happened like five years ago or something. This FREAKS non Aspies around me. But so what? You are you, and if church guy is freaked that you can remember the conversation perfectly well, that's HIS problem. You are you, you can't change that. You are not going to feel responsible for this guy misunderstanding your mental condition. Also, you say the guy knows you have some mental problems. If he really did, he should be sensitive to that and not point out that you exaggerate or are weird. But I can assure you that in the weird community that is wrong planet, you WILL find people who can relate to you on some levels.

The last problem revolves around church guy, and is very complex, because it is hurting you. Firstly, you wonder why you think about him SO MUCH, welcome to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Autism, the conditions that allow your mind to get stuck on Shite for no reason and really worry about them. But also, you have reason to b thinking about this guy all the time. After all, he meant a lot to you, he was your friend, not any friend, but a church friend. If you are religious, you would probably be enclined to believe that your church friends are also good Christians, and that help from your church friends is great help. Unfortunately, even if you believe in the Christian God, I would be less inclined to believe in Christian people. People can be mean and hypocritical, even church people.

I don't know the guy and don't want to pass judgment on a stranger, but I am sorry to say a few things you say raise alarm bells for me. You say you were around 19 or 20 in 09? You are quite young so, and you say this guy, in his 50s, is liked by younger boys and girls alike, and he buys them alcoholic drinks? Even if these youngsters are legal, what business does a 50 year old has buying a drink for a 20 year old? I understand the man has charm and makes these younger people feel important, but what is there in it for him? Autism makes you forget that others have feelings to: who is he, WHY does he like the company of people that young? A 50 year old who hangs around so many young people, it raises alarm bells to me, because if he were a well rounded 50 year old, most of his very good friends would be around his age. If not, he may be patronising, think he is being like a father to these youngsters when in fact he can be insensitive. You TOLD him you had mental problems, yet he will TELL you you exaggerate? If he has known you for that long, he knows how your mind works. He may even know you are inclined to exaggerate, but that's not the point. You TOLD him you had issues, and he POINTS out you are feeling the wrong way, or saying the wrong things or whatever. I udnerstand this man was VERY IMPORTANT to you. After all, he was a really warm helping hand at a time of trauma. He took an importance that only someone with OCD or autism could understand.

But to answer your questions: he is NOT a great man. The mere fact that you feel this strongly about how much of a hero he is also raises alarm bells in me: church guy being so much older should not try and look like a perfect hero to you, he should be able to poit out to you he is human, and has flaws. He should have known you well enough to know bringing up that woman in conversation would really, really hurt you and then he did it. Is he as great a man as JK Rowling or Einstein? I couldn't care LESS if church guy wrote a book that sold more copies than "Harry Potter" or disproved the laws of relativity: you told him you had mental problems, he disregards the fact that you do, he keeps pressing your buttons, this is WRONG, this is a JERK, and he is SO BAD FOR YOU. Even if he hardly know you he wouldn't have any excuse to be so mean to you. Like for instance I don;t know you at all, but based on what you have written I would never be insulting to you or try to make you uncomfortable, because I find you are psychologically vulnerable. I don't need to know EXACTLY how your weird mind works or why you can repeat what church guy says in his own voice, to know that it would be easy to press your buttons. If I know that not knowing you, then he KNEW that full well and still did it. What is this guy's agenda in all this? Why does he hang around someone with mental problems who is so much younger than him? What kind of a power trip is he pulling? I suspect if you have autism you may also be extremely intelligent: could he also be jealous of you and try and weaken you in some ways? So forget the great mind question, I'm sure Hitler was a great man to, coming up with mass genocide isn't that great, but this person is wrong for you and at the risk of sounding cliché, you deserve SO MUCH BETTER. And what he thinks, or why he brought this woman up in covnersation, should really be of no concern to you: he had no right to do what he did, and he does not DESERVE your obsessing over him.

Now about how you exaggerate situtations... yeah, sorry to say this but it does sound like you exaggerate. I am sure to most people the problems you describe would not be so serious. But if you have autism or AS, you are prone to have a mind tha gets obsessive about certain notions and ideas. Like for instance, my mother would always accuse me of "exaggerating", and she would say so in this really scornful voice. I don't "exaggerate", I don't blow things out of proportions when I speak about things, I FEEL things out of proportion. Life gets out of control very quickly, I am very quickly overwhelmed. This is a mental condition, probably your mental condition also. Telling you you are "exaggerating", pointing it out, is a way of telling you you are wrong in exaggerating. You are neitheer right or wrong, you are you, this situation affects you as much as a death would affect me, it doesn't mean you are weird, just that that is how you feel. You have mental problems, and this is perfectly OK. You can't blame yourself for THAT. If you were blind, would you blame yourself for not seeing? No, blindness is a condition.

I can't recommend any books or complementary therapies, because I am not sure what mental problems you have and I am no doctor. I just wanted to say I understand where you are coming from, I relate, and for the love of God, do get away from this guy. No matter how painful this may be to you, you seem to have fallen into a destructive relationship, get out.

Take care my dear. Litzah.