problems with feeling "fake"

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i was diagnosed when i was 3-4 and was told directly afterwords. since then i have researched my diagnosis of AS and have been trying to be "better". i didnt understand anything about my diagnosis exept the symptoms that were on some list the psychologist gave my family. i read about it in early elementary school and didnt think much of it till 5th grade where i decided to be "better" every year i set a goal of how to get better and so every year i became better and better at acting normal, eventually i even told my peers in high school that i had AS and no one believed me (which i didnt mind much) and now later in life (im 19) im fine with my diagnosis. but even now i act normal without even trying, the only problem i have is that my roommates and friends often either don't believe i have AS or they underestimate it. i hide my emotions and symptoms rather well but im not as functional as how i act, i dont like telling people how un-functional i am and my social anxiety kicks in if i talk about my problems, sometimes when i try to ask for help i find that i cant talk or will just say "no im fine" even when im not, , i listen to friends problems but i feel selfish sharing mine. i honestly feel fake because of this. i act normal, i supress my emotions, i listen to others problems and give advice but feel guilty making others listen to mine. anyone else have similar experiences?

I felt fake until I was diagnosed - literally, I was almost a shape shifter and going through a major identity crisis. I would change how I talked, how I sounded, my entire persona to custom fit the current situation. Not until these past two years that all stabilized....kind of. Now I am just being hopelessly lazy about it all because I was worn out by so many years of "role-play." The trick is just to see it as that. If something is unpleasant, then make it a game. Chances are you will feel like you are a sociopath, be disconnected even more, reduce the general population to nothing more than selfish idiots, and yes - you will be alone in your life struggles. But just let people think what they want and wing it. It is a survival mechanism. Nothing more. Don't let it control you.

And hey, there are worse things. My friends thought I was female for over half a year until I had the guts to correct them.

I also feel "fake".

I feel "fake" being no real autistic. I know I am, but I sometimes have the feeling that I'm just phycho.

I feel "fake" being bipolar. When I'm in a good mood I believe that nothing is wrong with me and in a bad mood I believe that I'm just depressed.

I feel "fake" having tics. Sometimes I believe they are something else.

I feel "fake" having "Gender dysphoria" and think about the reasons I am the way how I am.

I sometimes believe I can't have all that. It's just not possible, but somehow they are connected in a very strange way.
All my other disorders are connected to the autism in a very strange way,

But sometimes I even wish that I would be "fake", so it would be possible to wake up one morning and just being "normal", but this will never happen.
And sometimes I even like being me, because this makes me special, this makes me the way I am.

Last edited by Raziel on 12 Aug 2012, 3:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

Same here, to everything already mentioned. It sucks.

Yup, all the time. My friends seem to accept that I'm not going to say much. I know what you mean about feeling "fake." I find it hard to concentrate on the conversation because I'm too distracted by other things. This makes it hard to participate; I have echolalia, so I often just repeat what is said, or add something that I think is appropriate. These interactions are stressful, but I always feel better for trying. I don't think I'll ever get that hang of expressing myself though.