Emotional numbness

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I know im posting a bit late but i just wanted to share to help anyone i can so i read this entire topic/blog thing and i created a account to post a reply on my numbness issue. Started in midway in my 1st semester of senior year in high school and im still numb but not nearly as bad or numb as before, like when it started it felt like a war ended with my bodys energy down the drain and reconstruction was in immediate need or something of that reference, somehow i lasted in school feeling like a zombie the first week and ended up going to get checked at doctors, although we went no one in my family knew anything about what really happened to my body and all, the most i got from a blood test was Vitamin D deficiency which at the time i was like get out here with that crap, little did i know what that vitamin actually was though, now before jumping to conclusions consider how much i went through all at one time the weekend/night this happened on, on top of vitamin deficiency this was also the weekend that i was supposed to be "awesome" or something like that at the time, this was because i was going to laid/have sex the very next day that this happened on, the entire weekend seemed to me like i completely stopped my life at once because all i could do was revolve my thoughts around this girl and text her and wait quietly and impatiently for her to text back, if anyone wonders why i was so extreme about it is because it was the very first time ive ever gotten that far with a girl and the first time that i was going to have sex, my thoughts were like everything had to be pitch perfect, i couldnt mess anything up, (btw im not scared of telling anyone the truth on this website so if anyone feels shy or wants to ask me about something feel free to please, im not leaving out anything besides stuff i dont think is very relevant to the situation) so this last night on the weekend i stayed up super late for this girl so we could have phone sex problem was it was 2am at least by time we finished talking and by time i got any rest at all, note 2 things 1. i had to wake up at 6 or 6:30am and did & 2. this girl played with my heart often on that one weekend (i didnt acknowledge my thoughts about her being a slut and it not being worth it at the time) she repeatedly said things while texting like extremely sensitive stop talking to me because you texted this or something and kept threatning to leave and not talk again, i guess anyone would refer to mental abuse but the reason i wouldnt is because i know myself better than to do what i did at the time, so every text i sent was like gambling with 1,000,000 dollars, i explained myself of who i was and what i wanted and she kept saying things that made it seem like we click perfectly and i wanted her to be mine and all but shes not even the slightest bit faithful which is just terrible but of course i didnt know anything about her at the time, to me it was like sex at first only but then turned extremely serious to what we could be, to her it was nothing more than a attempted free sex moment i guess, i did have warning from a kid a grade below me i think but i just didnt listen to him at all cause i thought it was jealousy but now its like come on, like why didnt i just listen to myself, kept denying, anyway it was like that at the time being, waking up the next morning was when it all started like boom and everything was just gone no automatic feelings or behavior just a lifeless day, not much happened after that day for months as i can remember, same old school and classes, tried to be excited but most nights ended in shame just crying, im sorry i even prayed to feel again really, like everyone would say dont worry about it or theres nothing wrong with it but in my shoes its like dude thats not me, like im not a super religious person, that being said i dont want to offend anyone, even though it was the hardest time in my life and i can let it go, its wrong to just turn to someone that so many refer to just for that moment, me being honest, the idea my dad had was all about the vitamin D situation and i had no knowledge of how long its been occuring before that, so i took pills for it only for a short period to see it was worthless to what i was trying to accomplish, to feel again, also to be clear im mentally and physically numb, so when that failed i turned to getting out more, actually was mixed in at the time but not as much, so i started to walk outside cause on my property i dont know any neighbors or people around, not very social i guess because of where i am and how things are, walking alone didnt do much at all so then i tried positive thinking which got the thoughts of being worthless and sad removed temporarily but again little to no progress, this went on like a cycle as much as i kept reading blogs and stuff searching off Google, went on for i'd say months or maybe even a year i think, the part where i finally got progress of tremendous value was when i started taking care of myself, honestly i think it was for sure a mix of that and well actually it sums it up, i decided after reading a random post that i forgot what was and where it was that said something like what i refer to not giving up, my thoughts have never turned to suicide, i would never let them, not even the first week or day when it started, logic was i literally fell to the deepest depths of my hell and i got everything to gain and nothing to lose, on top of that motivation is the best thing i think for me when i need to get something done, not the easiest thing to carry on for as long as i have but its still going, understand not every day is a day where i get what i want out of it but i indeed try to make it that way, so when i started taking care of myself it involved taking those Vitamin D pills, first time was a multivitamin and not its straight up Vitamin D pills, says 1000 IU on the bottle labled D3, also even if it had little to nothing to do with my depression its still a great thing i take care of it so either way, also started going outside more often and what helps some days is when im responsible for doing something like now where i have to feed animals or something, like not a huge job but something just basic, btw i dont have a actual job i just do what my parents ask or need me to do, going to college in August, also eating can be very very important to people with numbness cause as i recall i could never tell how hungry i actually was and didnt favor food much at all, now i got it to where i enjoy soda again, dont drink it much at all anymore mostly water which is what i recommend to everyone and also stay hydrated, i'm even starting to enjoy food again as well ^_^ i wish i could see everyone that is struggling with numbness at least progress positively and come out of it, i feel sorry for the ones that have gone years without answers =( im trying to do my best even though this is my first ever post on a blog and on this topic to help anyone, i dont know how time works against numbness as in like if someone was to completely beast up their life for a month straight if no matter how long they have been numb they would see any positive result at the end of that month, also i dont know if acting positive changes anything cause to me i like to be actually happy, not go outside and act like the happiest person ever, the thing that keeps me going is the thought of that 1 morning where i can wake up and take that huge breath of fresh air with the fresh morning feeling and feel my soft bed and my rested muscles all at once and be wanting to jump out of bed and get something done that day, i never valued time with feeling as much as i do now and i swear its changed me in the best way possible to me, sure its the worst thing ever to go through but its like once you get yourself back, you know what you want, if my motivation is this strong with numbness i cant imagine how strong it is without, so included with eating right was the fact that everything wasn't overwhelming anymore, don't really overthink most things anymore, think it was indeed associated with thinking certain ways about experiences, note that based on someones way of thinking it strongly effects the way they are depressed, seems like it turns the tables on you, i don't remember exactly how but when you don't feel weak anymore you start getting up, people say crying solves nothing, i beg the biggest differ, i've felt better after crying literally just about everytime even though i was numb, i call it a real cry i guess cause when i stop crying something comes about with a reason to not stop trying, not encouraging this in way to make you sad or hurt but like when you need to cry i say let it out, if you're in public or something or any situation like i was usually in i always tried to hide and succeeded alot but when i get to a private place i kept letting out more and to me it helped tons, felt like true feelings even if it isnt the right thought associated with the sadness, meaning you might crying over an idea that normally wouldnt be the problem like a made up sad thought that reflects the negativity of an experience, hope that makes sense, for one to get up one must fall first right? feels kinda like that, easier said than done is the problem, i feel if most people could get a grip on their situation they could overcome it faster and better, i know alot of people are different and there are much worse sitautions than mine which reminds me don't compare your own situation with someone elses, this caused me to supress all my feelings for the longest time when it started, like this person has an excuse to be depressed and you don't, that much is BS, if you are hurt then you are hurt, so i'm trying to not miss any important facts about my improvements, like now i feel physically alot more than i used to, maybe more at certain times than others but it counts, like before light pain was rarely tingles or nothing at all, now it seems i'm aware of most things, not quiet to the point of normal but closing in on it, emotionally is harder to judge but i feel comfortable saying that this post has definitely affected me in a very positive way, thing i would refer to is when i was puzzled with something that i figured out not to long ago (forgot what it was exactly) but when i figured it out i had that feeling in my head of "OHHHH!" like oh that's how it works and what not, i feel a little bit but not really much in my throat when i talk or cough, normally takes effort and feel the vibrations i guess of talking and roughness of coughing i think, currently still numbed but also i drink alot more water now so maybe back then was way different, another thing is when i workout it seems to get my blood flowing, like sets up my day for more physical action or something, cant necessarily feel the adrenaline rush i love but it definitely is there, used to when i woke up most mornings was like oh great still numb, now i hardly even check if im numb or not, kinda just either wake up or sleep more cause i actually feel like more rest and have somewhat a schedule to do things, hope this post isn't too late btw, want somebody to read and see if it helps or not. Also want to add that i'm a huge music fan and that ever since numbness started the songs i once listened to that had depressing meanings but were really awesome to listen to started upsetting me while depressed, now all of a sudden its just awesome again, like Linkin Park for example songs like Numb (go figure) would make me sad before, but now its ok and i enjoy the melody and rhymth of it.

Review
Fake love broke my heart.
Also something i didn't mention was reference to my great grandma who died was brought up in a text message and seemed like it effected me (not certain).
Complete numbness, pretty sure it happened before going to sleep that one night, didn't notice till morning or even after school was over.
Isolation in my room and outdoors, worthless feelings and moments of just staring into the blue when i sat down outside or inside.
Couldn't concentrate on anything for the longest time, scared of alot of things and felt helpless.
Didn't try to take care of myself due to fear of not enjoying or ever getting my feelings back.
Lack of confidence to do the easiest task, lack of energy also.
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Things I did to get better
Tried to makes sense of random feelings, relaxed in a relaxing position and thought about things that bothered me (mine would be kinda curled up on my bed or on a soft blanket on the floor) the feelings that i was afraid to feel just kinda let them sink in, this helped stopped putting me down so much and stopped thinking of them.
Took care of myself, as i mentioned Vitamin D defiency was definitely helped by my dad in that case, eat more based on how hungry you are, this one is touch because of numbness, don't want to eat too much and also don't want to eat to less if you're like me, it gets easier after you experiment with it, logic being eat when you are hungry, for me going outside and working out both helped me alot, understand this doesn't take more than 2 hours if that.
Try to get connected with someone, this is tough at first, especially if its a relationship like boyfriend or girlfriend, i actually try to avoid this still until i can actually enjoy it, like a friend or something is completely fine but when its a girlfriend i do not want to be in a relationship until i'm ready with my body and mind, you may think otherwise i don't know, don't think you are unworthy of someones attention especially if you've hung out before or if its a family member, i've thought like this before.
Try out those hobbies again, i started playing hackey sack again (think i spelled that right) and also got on the xbox again and also the thing i'm on right now the PC-computer or whatever, like i did before but not like this, actually want to learn and get more in depth with things now, also wanting to learn is helping me alot with preparing for college since i'm still numb, like i'm not afraid to get friends or scared of being unable to learn due to lack of enthusiasm or fear of being unfocused.
Think about getting that lifestyle back, with all the feelings and what not, definitely what i'm pursuing the most is my life back, best thing is its all of that plus everything i've learned while numb and am able to do now, i've faced fears i thought i couldn't overcome, gives me more confidence, like i thought living like i was wasn't enough but now i see there was close to nothing wrong with it.
Keep a good sleeping schedule, i swear to y'all it seems like one of the most important things for whatever reason, waking up on time and sleeping on time, just wake up early, like before 10am preferred 8 or 9 if you can i think most people wake up at 6am now days, but i mean if you're like me sleeping in all the time you gotta stop doing that and get yourself a really good schedule, makes the day better and yourself better rested, longer lasting days for sure, aim for 7-9 hours of sleep also.
If you're not really social like me it's not like you have to be, to me www.YouTube.com is a site where i acutally feel connected with people whether it be singing, commentaries, playthroughs, or workout videos it makes me feel right at home, i watch this guy named PewDiePie (pronounced Pe-u-dee-py) he plays games with a facecam on and shows his true self like expressions, thoughts and all, note 2 things 1.this is an example & 2.incase you check out his videos make sure its not a scary game he is playing cause i don't want anyone going to watch his videos and get scared i don't think it'll help and i would feel bad, not everybody likes this stuff, but his true self helps me enjoy the videos and makes me laugh, and often times when i do watch or play games now i literally forget i numb alot.
I think pets help out sometimes, although i'm not a huge pet fan in the time of need a dog or cat can accompany you, its not like its my dog and i pet it every single day (parents dog) but it is relaxing and enjoyful when you actually feel like doing it.

I hope lots of people read this and it actually helps everyone in some form or way. Please message me for anything that anyone wants to know. I want to help anyone I can and I will keep logging in on this site everyday that I can to check if someone has posted or sent me a message. Also hope this gives people confidence. Anyone in a similar situation I feel for ye.

Also adding on now after reading the previous messages, I think I am in a lot of depersonalization and dissociation, my logic being when I went to sleep the night before I was to have intercourse with the sl-ut I mentioned I pretty much thought of myself being some stupid high school "cool" guy and figured I need to be buffed and perfect looking, in other words setting the bar higher than who knows what, that was very stupid, no reason i should've thought like that since my life was perfect without needing to look perfect or even close, didn't have to walk around with a fake attitude that says "Look at me I'm a dou-che in high school" XD of course if i coulda realized that over some sense of peer pressure or whatever at the time i wouldn't be in this situation but oh well, I'm way better than before even though i'm babysteps away from full feeling and freedom, so to speak, also involved resolving a thing about their being other girls in the world, before i couldn't stand seeing a girl with a guy at any time without feeling lonely, left out(friend/group wise), or wanting to isolate and cry, solved me problem by talking with my dad finally, and i thought i knew everything but when you have a serious talk after how long we've never talked seriously, i was as suprised as something that's really suprised i guess lol XD but anyways i am typing this for hope/benefit of everyone seeking solutions to it, hopefully everyone who struggles with it can overcome this desire to just give up, just feel like throwing in that i made new friends in a new place that i moved to recently and really trying in college =) trade school but it counts =P had a breakdown this week which was when my dad talked about their being other girls in the world even though it seemed like i tried telling myself that a million times it seemed like it helped or something, got annoying that he kept bringing it up though, think it was stress really and after i cried and let it all out i got up and felt stronger than i have in a long long time, just hoping everyone who needs help has the right person to talk to, not everyone understands how much words can effect people, I love life (^_^)

The topic is important and I would like to read your story, but it's impossible. Look at your text! You forgot all the paragraphs.

Go over to schizophrenia.com and read up on Avolition, I think you will find alot of similarities to what you are talking about. I have schiz, and I deal with avolition, and it is very similar to what you are describing.

I feel emotionally numb a lot of times....however my depression never has been cured, so other then that I feel depressed and due to other disorders anxious and/or over stressed. Otherwise I tend to feel numb and detached, and its rare that I feel 'good' at least on my own there are various drugs that make me feel better but of course that's outside substances not me naturally feeling passionate about life or anything.

But yeah I don't enjoy the numbness, because it makes me not even want to do anything since I won't enjoy it anyways...I mean lately I cannot even listen to music as much as usual because I just can't feel anything so its depressing to listen to music that I typically really enjoy without enjoying it which makes me want to turn it off so I am not reminded of what I should feel.

It sounds for me like Depressions.

It probably best if you see a therapist about it and/or a psychiatrist and maybe take medication.

hmmm...all i can say is i'm random as anything, i got like winning streaks of happiness right now but it's not like i couldn't get caught with sadness somewhere down the road when i realize that i'm still numb, and sorry for not putting paragraphs but honestly, really? that's going to stop you from helping someone Vieno, Sweetleaf that sounds like when it first started almost 2 years ago, bout to be 2 years, long road of recovery including things i wouldn't do unless i was like this or just decided to change, all in all this is my only life problem i know anymore, i'm not even concerned about being single, before i thought i was going to die being alone, now its like i want to feel life, i can get all the other stuff along the way once numbness is gone, but seriously random feelings, not lying when i say one day i'll be in the depths of hell and the next above the surface of a cloud, which literally seems cold so interpret that otherwise, talked to my dad and we are going to try a psychiatrist or something, feel more but also less than more, compared to when it started huge change but not like feel feelings, not too close to it either, numb numb numb, grrrrrrr i hope this is over with soon.

I got diagnosed a.s.d a week ago as a 42 year old male and it first came as a huge relief with a dramatic reduction in anxiety. Now I feel "flat" I'm not anxious nor depressed, but feel nothing.

I'm not regularly that way, but I become that way when I have no other way of dealing with negative emotions. Anger, disappointment, annoyance, etc all get repressed if I don't have a way of dealing with it. I actually spent the last couple days like this because my mom got on my case the other day about how negative I've been since moving down here so despite all the stupid crap that's been going down I just repressed it all and its been like that for a few days now.