bizboy1 wrote:
I'm starting to believe I have schizophrenia instead (or in addition) to Asperger's. It all started when I smoked weed at college. I had a hallucination and had something similar to a near death experience. I communicated with God and had an out of the body experience. I then had psychosis for a week. It then went away. Then a couple of weeks later it came back real bad for a week. Then it calmed down significantly and then stayed steady for about a year and a half. I've had delusions, paranoia, depersonalization, derealization, depression, and anxiety. I've been in inpatient 3 times and outpatient 4 times. I've never been diagnosed with schizophrenia, although one doctor was leaning towards it but wanted to wait a couple of months to see how it developed. I've been diagnosed with Asperger's by like 5 doctors. I feel like my IQ has dropped since 2010 by like 20 points. For 1.5 years I sincerely believed space didn't exist (not outerspace), we lived in the matrix/computer simulation, and that we aren't real, it's all an illusion. I believe I developed these ideas due to derealization or "delirium". I don't know WTF it is called but it is scary as sh**! It's worse than death. You're on another planet and it feels like you're a zombie, in a dream, a robot, or in a coma. I think it was something beyond derealization because it was so intense.
Initially, no medication worked for me. I was on Risperdal then Haldol. The Risperdalgot rid of the depersonalization but gave me constant/acute/chronic derealization. Before the medication I was sometimes able to snap out of it. Not on the Risperdal. The nice thing about Risperdal is that it substantially increased my intelligence. I recently tried Abilify which is doing the trick. I am 100 times better. I have no derealization or depersonalization in a sense. Sometimes I question if things are real. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm real. But things look real to me. The downside is I can't concentrate anymore. I used to be able to concentrate for hours, days, or weeks but now I can only concentrate for at most 1-2 hours. As a college student this is unacceptable and I'm thinking about going off my meds. But I know there's a chance I'll be psychotic again. I mean, I still am delusional even being on 20 mg of a anti-schizophrenic medication. I also feel the medications cause me to lose my creativity. But I do feel like Abilify and the anti- depressant is helping with my memory and intelligence. I know it's stupid to not take meds, but this is how I feel.
So how do I tell if I have schizophrenia? My doctors say I have the negative symptoms but not the positive symptoms. I haven't told them I have heard and music voices while laying down in bed falling asleep. This was also the case when I smoked marijuana last. I also think that the derealization should be considered a hallucination because I was able to see space weirdly. I also see lights, colors, and little objects moving around when I look up in the sky (not floaters, could be a neurological problem), though I'm 100% confident I don't have synesthesia.
I'm pretty smart. I'm a math major. I'm thinking about being an actuary or getting a phd. I f**** up 3 classes I got c's in them. But this was at a time when my mental capacity was diminishing and when I was probably psychotic.
Thanks for reading.
Whatever the diagnosis, this is bloody serious. Time to focus on yourself first. There will be time for your academic career later, once you've recovered. Don't smoke any more pot. Good luck.
09 Nov 2012, 10:54 pm
