Some Diagnosis is needed
I was diagnosed with asperger's syndrome around 10 years ago and was not surprised at all.
But the around 5 years ago i had an episode where i put my cousin into hospital for a good 2 months ever since then i have been slowly been developing symptoms of: Schizophrenia, Sociopathy, megalomania and severe sadism this has gotten to the state where i have been called evil, and even a demon by peers.
I often hear things like whistling or sometimes voices that aren't there. i also seem to lack what most refer to as emotions, either that r i have discarded them, and i also believe that i am the main focus of this story called life.
i would like to know, just what is wrong with me.
It seems fairly clear that you require some treatment ASAP. The fact that you are talking about it suggests that you realise something is seriously amiss. I'm no psychiatrist, far from it, but even to a layman like me it's pretty clear that the combination of psychosis, sociopathic feelings and sadistic ideation is a recipe for you to get into a lot of trouble. You need to see a psychiatrist ASAP. If all of this is totally accurate you need help before you hurt yourself or someone else and/or get yourself in a lot of trouble. Do you think you will actually act out any of your violent thoughts? If so you may even want to consider a stay in hospital. Living with untreated mental illness is no fun and especially if it's the kind that could get you locked up if you have a severe episode of psychosis accompanied by violent or sadistic impulses. Even if you are truly devoid of care for other people to the extent that hurting someone wouldn't matter to you, is it worth potentially sacrificing your freedom for XX years if you do actually hurt someone? Get help for your own sake if not for anybody else's; depending on your country then prison is almost certainly no place for a mentally ill person; I don't have half your problems and I think I'd probably kill myself if I was sent to prison for any significant period.
edit: Most of what you said can probably be explained by good old schizophrenia. Severe psychosis could certainly cause you to feel sociopathic or violent tendencies - how many news reports do you see of a violent paranoid schizophrenic who stopped taking his meds and hurt someone? As for megalomania, delusions of grandeur, auditory hallucinations and flattened emotions: those are all classic schizophrenia too.
edit again: I don't mean to imply that most people with schizophrenia are like that before anyone takes offense: every person I have met IRL with schizophrenia has been nice as pie.
Yes i have considered seeing a psychiatrist or a sociologist but i don't think it will change me in my current mental state as i am extremely stubborn.
i also forgot to mention, my family has a long history of organized crime. i don't know if that could have influenced me in any way. Also lately some people have been avoiding me out of fear and it is getting really eerie, even my most trusted friend now looks the opposite way when he sees me approaching and then doesn't bring up sensitive subjects during discussions.
I can't really speak to the motivations of people around you. I suppose if somebody I knew was acting that way I might avoid them too if I'm honest. Even if you're too stubborn that you think that therapy wouldn't work then it is still quite possible that anti-psychotics could help a lot with your symptoms. If you were willing to take some anti-psychotics then you might then find that you'll be more receptive to therapy. Of course I totally understand that in your state of mind and with your stubborn tendency you are entirely capable of just ignoring everything I say. The crime thing could have certainly desensitised you to violence I suppose. I grew up in pretty sh***y areas and had a lot of fights in my youth and early adulthood and that certainly effected me; I have OCD and I sometimes obsess or fantasise about acts of extreme violence and I think that has been influenced by the violence I have encountered in life. It's relevant to note that I never instigated violence - I am only willing to employ violence to protect myself or somebody else. Thankfully I haven't encountered any trouble in years and these days my acts of violence are restricted to when I am having a meltdown and then the subject of the violence is myself or inanimate objects - nothing especially destructive although it scares the s**t out of the people around me.
So yea again I think you should probably see a psychiatrist. Only you can decide when your desire to get rid of the voices, violent thoughts etc outweighs your stubborness to work with someone. I just hope that happens before you get yourself in trouble or hurt someone; every life that is f****d up by mental illness is a tragedy and in your case if you were to snap one day and act on your impulses and really hurt someone then it would be your own life and potentially someone else's that was f****d up; two tragedies that could have been avoided. I don't think you really want that unless you truly are a 100% confirmed violent sociopath - that seems unlikely to me though considering we're having this conversation.
InvisibleSilent, sorry this is random, did you get your handle from LuxPain video game?
As for the OP, i would definitely seek help with all those symptoms.
I have read articles about AS and Antisocial Personality Disorder being confused while diagnosis; especially in males due to the lack of empathy.
However being you have schizophrenia also has symptoms of blunted or flat affect.
How old were you when you had your first episode? Was it related to putting your cousin in inpatient?
If your friends are starting to be afraid of you, it's best to seek help.
NP No I didn't. I wanted a different name to the one I used on other sites and I happened to be listening to this song around the time I made my account:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym5SyuxgQ-o
The phrase "invisible and silent" is repeated several times and it stuck in my head
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