So this is a long story. When did this start? A long long time ago and it's gradually getting worse. I will start by saying I am not looking for a diagnosis. I have one. I know what is wrong with me.
For a while now I guess, I've been hearing other peoples thoughts. I'm hearing them in my head, not as if someone was actually speaking to me (I've heard voices like that before). It takes a long time for me to realize that they're not real. They make me upset, angry. I'm depressed as it is when I hear these voices, and this episode has lasted longer than usual. I haven't exactly slept in the last five days, and it's getting to the point where it just seems silly to even try and sleep, because lying alone in the dark and not doing anything only means the voices are louder...and they keep me awake.
It's because of these voices and thoughts that I think somebody is going to kill me. And soon. My brain is playing with the 21st day of some month, and it's making plans. I have no access to medication since I was in hospital. I'm totally signed off sick right now and my parents hand me out the meds I need when I need them. That's not a worry, considering that that was what happened months ago back in December when my brain decided to countdown to the day in which I was supposed to die in order to "save everyone" on the word somebody in my brain called Xavier, who also happens to be trying to talk to me...again. He's saying it's the only way, that's its for the best, that I've f****d up my life because of this illness enough as it is and honestly, I don't have much left, and being stuck at home all day every day isn't much of a life. I never told anyone what really happened back in December. I keep intending to.
I keep feeling an idiot whenever I try to tell my mental health worker-Ellie-what's going on. She knows the voices are there. But she doesn't know about Xavier and the countdown.
This episode has been hell though. The worst of it always happens at night, and I don't remember it. So far, during this episode, I have:
-Sent a paranoid ranting about a conspiracy theory to someone at three in the morning who I'd actually fallen out with, wanted nothing to do with, and been told not to contact her and delete her number from my phone. Which obviously, I didn't. This isn't the first time I've contacted her, and she's not the only one who gets ranting conspiracy theories. I have absolutely no idea what it said, because quite frankly, my memory is a load of crap right now, and I can't check because...I later snapped the sim card in half, after receiving a message from said persons father, which I also have no idea what it said because I didn't actually look at it, and I can't now because I snapped the card in half and it's gone. Completely. And in hindsight, that probably wasn't the best thing to do, seeing as that was the only way I actually knew when my medical appointments were, due to the automated service sending me a text.
-Posted paranoid ranting conspiracy theories on Facebook, in full few of everyone I know. And so now, everybody is well aware of the fact that I am unwell.
-Made an attempt to run away from home. Again.
14 Jul 2013, 6:50 am
