Lost it. Trigger warning

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I've been having a tough time lately ,I've been restricting since Christmas and recently had to ordeal a mental breakdown followed by psychosis which made me think that I have paranoid schizophrenia, but I already have a diagnosis for cptsd, so I can't tell if being bullied online triggered my cptsd and that's whats going on or I'm absolutely losing it

I also had a miscarriage on my birthday a few years ago and its approaching that time.
I've had the most vivid hallucinations, really scary and strange. Even at night time when I try to sleep. this is triggering my ocd too I have a heightened sense of smell and its making me think everything is dirty, even my boys :/ cue ritualistic behaviors.
I keep tremoring and just generally feel s**t. I'm not functioning well enough to look after myself let alone my 2 little boys so I've had to ask their dad to take over. All of this s**t caused by dicks on a forum. I'd go in the chatroom and be told that people were talking about me, calling me a creep, asking if I'm angry and if I hold a grudge, calling me a reject and taking the piss out of me. I'm f****d now, I feel awful, I cant even enjoy my children or a spliff.

My existence had just been a constant trauma with a couple of nice bits. Everybody I encounter just seems to hurt me or f**k me over. How the f*ck am i supposed to bounce back after this? I feel so sick of being shamed and dehumanized. My brother committed suicide a few years ago, he thought his friends had spiked him with lsd when he started having visual hallucinations, turns out that he hadn't been spiked at all. We both had a very traumatic, abusive childhood. When he committed suicide I was devastated, my grandma died the same week too. I only met her three times, still hurt though.

I am paranoid too but only because of the reasons I already mentioned. If I wasn't so fudged I'd sue

I'm sorry you having such issues at the moment. I'm having difficulties reading at the moment, so I'm sorry if didn't grasp everything.
I also have a trauma. Not a complex one though, but I've experienced how terrible it feels. Psychosis is like fever I once heard on an conference about it. It basically it's means that something is wrong, but not what. Paranoid schizophrenia just basically means that the person tends to have repeating episodes of psychosis with paranoid symptoms even without an external cause. So in my opinion it doesn't make much sense dx schizophrenia when a person just had one psychotic episode what can happen to everyone. Also trauma and autism can trigger psychosis without the need of having schizophrenia. So I wouldn't worry too much about it.

What helped me with my trauma is hypnosis, what was the only thing that helped actually. Maybe it also helps you. I still have some trauma symptoms, but they've been much more extreme before. There are several different therapies who have been developed for ppl with trauma. If you go to therapy make sure your therapist is experienced in cptsd, because many standard therapies don't help. That's why it's important it's an trauma specific therapy.

Thank you for replying Raziel, I had EMDR during pregnancy to help with trauma. I moved away from where I had that therapy and it's not offered at all where I live now.

I asked for help from mental health services before I relapsed last year, they told me to relapse again so they could section me and give me a feeding tube, that shocked me tbh, I wasn't expecting much but encouraging me to self harm more sucks, I was recovering at this time, well my weight was anyway, I have loads of health issues from my ed, hence last attempt at sorting myself out. I have 2 children that I care for alone and that's the professional advice i received from the NHS.
They wouldn't give pills because I have made several serious attempts at suicide and survived, which strangely makes one feel even more of a failure, I'm also one of those unfortunate types that get all the nasty side effects.

I know that saying this doesn't help, but I want you to know that I feel really sorry you've had to deal with all this. There are some people who seem to get everything thrown on them where for so many others their biggest trouble is that they have to go get a job at Burger King so they can buy a super fancy car they've been wanting. I'm not going to pretend to understand what the experience of psychosis is like; I've been lucky enough to never have had to experience that thus far. All I can really do is imagine.

As for the jerks who were ripping on you, I have one thing to say: "Getteth thy heads out from thy buttocks." I've just recently had a lot of people attacking me online. My low self-esteem keeps me from saying that their attacks were baseless, but they're definitely baseless in your case. I can tell just from your post that you're an awesome person with an undeserved amount of difficulties thrust upon you. I think it's beautiful that you are still fighting to make things better for both you and your family.

I'm only 16, and I'm assuming you're a good deal older considering you have a husband and children, but if you want you can shoot me a pm. I'm almost always open to talk to when I'm on the computer, which is almost always. If you'd like we could exchange Skype names.

I'm not good for much. I don't empathize well with the feelings of other people. But I'm always glad to allow someone to rant to me, get things off their chest. And I always do my best to give advice, whether it's truly helpful or not.

Whether or not you contact me, I just have one more thing to say:
Good luck. (: