Lifelong MDD: Is my serotonin system wrecked? ssri's=nada

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Hi everyone,
I've never felt happy in my life unless while under the influence of drugs/alcohol. I've also struggled with MDD as long as I can remember; my first wrist cuts came at the age of 5 or 6. Somehow I've managed to live to the ripe old age of 43 despite daily suicidal ideation. 7 years ago, my wife was diagnosed with stage 4, terminal breast cancer at the age of 36. I knew I needed to find help and the capability to feel emotion other than the negative ones. Like many of you, I'm hollow inside, and the loss of my wife will literally kill me.
Over the past 7 years I have tried nearly all SSRI'S, SNRI'S, and the atypicals. Not one has improved my mood in the slightest, which is baseline unhappy going up to my happiest level which is neutral/uncaring. This would seem to indicate that serotonin is completely ineffectual. Luckily oxytocin still works, so I am able to feel love for my wife.
I've read several medical papers that state about 30% of Aspie children have elevated whole-blood serotonin (which is a well-replicated biomarker found in children with autism spectrum disorder. This was discovered in 1961.) Several papers seem to implicate hyperserotonemia in serotonin transporter and receptor binding malfunctions. Whatever the cause, my serotonin system is clearly broken.

So my question to you is: Do antidepressants work in Aspies with Major Depressive Disorder (lifelong)?

I'm on a cocktail of meds, including an antidepressant. The reason being, have been on them for too long, my brain/body are essentially dependent on them. If I were to rewind the clock, I would have chosen not to take them at all. But unfortunately, I was conned by the psychiatric industry and put on them at a young age, and now will probably have to be on them forever.

I can state without a doubt, that the meds have wrecked my serotonin/dopamine system forever. I cannot feel positive emotions. Cannot love. Cannot bond with people. It has worsened the social agony that the Aspergers has caused, rendering me hollow inside. And I know that the longer I am on these meds, the more damage they will do - but I have no choice. I am dependent on them.

So sorry for your situation. To answer your question, I believe that antidepressants do more harm than good, unless it is an acute self-harm situation. I believe they worsen the brain's ability to naturally combat depression. For sure, they have wrecked my dopamine system so that I can no longer feel anything when I view a sunset or walk past a bed of flowers. However, I believe that the pharmaceutical industry will suppress any studies that indicate there may be long-term harmful effects from these meds.

The SSRI I take, and the other psychiatric meds I take, deaden my soul further. It is a point of no return ...

Holy s**t, I didn't even think about Big Pharma messing with SSRI + ASD studies. Might explain why I can't find any straightforward research that says hyperserotonemia = burned out serotonin transport/receptor = SSRI's are either worthless or bad for you.

I feel your pain zzaspergerzz. Life is so bleak. The companionship of my wife, who I've been friends with since we were awkward 13 year-olds is my only tie to the rest of humanity. No other friends. Same hollowness.

I am ashamed to admit this, but when my dying wife gets up in the morning and awakens her pets, "Good morning birdies!! !", I can hear the happiness in her voice at this simple task, and I am jealous and resentful which makes me hate myself even more. I'd literally give all of my limbs and everything I own for the ability to be able to feel a glimmer of happiness.



Death beckons with alluring promises of ending this tedious, painful existence.

I'm in a similar boat. Been depressed since adolescence. Taken SSRI's since then as well. They work for a few years, then I need to increase the dose to be effective again. A few years ago I reached a point where I was still very depressed but taking a higher dose of SSRI/SNRI had no effect other than causing side effects like nausea and dizziness. I haven't been able to work for 6 tears.

Last summer I started Wellbutrin. It worked for a few months at best. I can only take 150mg because taking 300 dries out my digestive tract to the point where I can't go to the bathroom for a week. The 150mg dose stopped working after a few months (but still causes constipation).

I'm also on Effexor. I actually managed to cut my dose from 300mg to 75mg without any horrible effects (though I don't feel better really either). I tried going completely off Effexor several times this year but each time I got suicidally depressed. It's weird that my body seems to need 75mb, but anything above that only causes nausea and side effects. It sucks to be stuck on 75 mg for life though. I also tried switching to prozac and the result was not good. Zoloft... same thing.

As far as antipsychotics go, I take a low dose of Latuda. It helps a little with anger, but does nothing for depression. Actually it makes my depression worse if I take it during the day. I've never had an antipsychotic help with depression. I was given thorazine at the hospital once and had the worst reaction imaginable. I felt this deep deep sense of impending doom and bottomless sadness, yet I didn't even have the energy to cry. It was like some kind of torture. I can't really even describe how bad it was.

There's only so much these damn medications can do. I constantly wonder if they have actually harmed me permanently. I also wish there was a way to measure the concentration of neurotransmitters in the brain. I have a really hard time believing my depression these days has anything to do with low serotonin. I am dependent on some kind of SSRI/SNRI, but I can't just take more to get rid of my depression. These days the only drugs that really help are those that positively affect dopamine. Stimulants, pretty much. Too much serotonin or norepinephrine just nauseates me.

I'm really f****d.