autism spectrum disorder.
(extremely severe) obsessive-compulsive disorder.
(severe) panic disorder.
(severe) agoraphobia.
(severe) somatic symptom disorder.
(severe in the past) major depressive disorder.
(severe in the past) transient tic disorder.
(severe in the past) excoriation disorder.
attention deficit disorder predominantly inattentive type.
specific learning disorder with impairment in mathematics.
obsessive-compulsive disorder has been the most difficult thing for me to cope with. OCD led me to develop panic disorder, agoraphobia, somatic symptom disorder, and transient tic disorder. at one point i was completely unable to leave my house for months due to a nonstop fear of vomiting, a fear that my heart would stop, a fear that i would be killed or that i would kill someone. i was blinking as hard and as fast as i could, all the time, and was always aware of my blinking and breathing. i'd often count my breaths and blinks. i've dealt with OCD and the other aforementioned related disorders since i was at least 6 years old. i still only go outside once every few weeks and leave my house once every few months. i used to be unable to go outside without being dragged by someone as i cried, kicked, and screamed while convulsing and panicking. i genuinely thought i would die if i went outside.
i remember having multiple panic attacks a day while in elementary school because i was so scared of contracting an illness. on my 7th birthday i remember spelling words in my head while moving my tongue from the left of my mouth, to the middle, to the right, while counting. i rearranged things constantly and would always ask for more paper in class to re-write assignments. i was raised in a christian household, and would be brought to tears upon thinking of hell. even just thinking the word 'hell' in my mind was enough to cause me to begin to weep and panic. i struggled with obsessions pertaining to purity, and even now, as someone that's not religious, i still struggle with obsessions of 'purity,' despite there being no religious incentive. i've been picking my skin off since i was a kid, i'd intentionally scrape my knees and scratch myself until i bled so i could have scabs to pick. i pick and bite the skin around my fingernails off. i pick at acne. i pick at everything. it's a lot more under control than it was in the past, but i have 'episodes' every so often during which i pick at my skin for an hour or so.
as i got older, the obsessions and compulsions. became a lot less innocent. when i entered high school, my intrusive thoughts worsened and i began to have uncontrollable images of mangled bodies, rotting vomit, violent suicides, etc. flashing in my mind. i didn't want to think of these things, it was essentially completely uncontrollable, although, at times, i would 'test' myself by intentionally thinking of horrible things to see if i would derive any pleasure from it, to determine whether or not i was a terrible and twisted human being or not. i felt like a disgusting cretin for these thoughts. i feared that i would become a pedophile or a serial killer, despite never having the urge to ever assault or hurt anyone, ever. i fear performing horrible actions because i don't want to perform horrible actions. i think to myself, "well, i may not want to hurt anyone right now, but what if, one day, i suddenly want to hurt someone? what if i snap one day?" it causes me to panic and want to isolate myself from everyone.
i get the urge to do stupid and outlandish things, like jump out of a window, shout obscenities, punch people, stab myself, knock large objects over, pull alarms, etc. it's not an 'urge' as much as an odd realization that i could easily do these things, then i experience a lingering feeling of being on-edge which feels similar to an 'urge,' but i have no actual desire to perform these actions despite that 'urge' being there do perform them.
my biggest fear until i was about 16 was vomit. i was always preoccupied with a fear of emesis. someone would cough and i would immediately begin to fear the worst--"what if they're sick? what if they begin to feel nauseous? what if they vomit? what if their vomiting causes others around me to vomit? what if it causes me to vomit?" i would focus on vomit so much to the point it would cause me to become genuinely nauseous, which made me panic more, which made me more nauseous, ad infinitum. i get scared i have cancer, i get scared of having a heart attack. i fear that my veins will burst open. i refuse to take most medicine, even when i'm terribly, genuinely physically ill, because i fear the side-effects. i fear bugs crawling into my ears as i sleep and eating away at the insides of my head. i used to be terrified of parasites as a child.
as for major depressive disorder, whatever. it's nothing special. i was once actively suicidal for months straight, but now there's just a pervasive heaviness and relentless feeling of worthlessness. suicidal ideation comes and goes in waves but i highly doubt i'll ever kill myself, especially since having experienced the suicide of my cousin, my best friend for my entire life. i don't want to fail him. i wish i could be someone worthy of happiness. it's not that i wish to be happy--to be happy in my situation would render one a fool. so, i do not wish to be happy in spite of my current situation, i wish to be in an entirely different situation in which i could be genuinely happy for good reason.
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crisscrossed with axes and thresholds, with latitudes and longitudes and geodesic lines, traversed by gradients marking the transitions and the becomings.
11 Feb 2017, 11:29 am
