Depression is killing me

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The lady above has really useful advice -thank you.

If anyone found Lexapro helpful for severe panic, anxiety and depression would that be something to recommend to Op?

I just began it after being recommended it by people online.

My Dr was no help in suggesting different meds, so I had to ask the internet and get her to prescribe it.

wombashkaya

thus far, i have had over 35 counselors, and this one is, by far, the best there could be better counselors, but it takes so much energy to find them. the counselor has shown she is pretty sophisticated about ASDs. unlike other counselors, that have the nerve to tell me to join a trans support group. and those counselors told me that, like they just invented the world's greatest patent. the current counselor does not have a condescending tone, yet, that i know of. and it has been over a year. that is pretty good. she also has a professional attitude. the counselor does listen to me. she reframes things, with the most favorable euphemisms, with several exception. the term "good person" is vague and subjective. anyone could label anyone a "good person". the term is meaningless. the counselor has to be, by definition, biased in the client's favor. b/c the counselor was not there at the scene, and does not have the chance to interact with anyone the client complains about. besides, if the counselor told me that the other party was right and i was wrong, the other party is not going to come and pay her 75 bucks an hour for counseling.

nobody diagnosed me with PTSD so far. however, two separate counselors (including the current one), mentioned the word "traumatic".

however, what if someone did diagnose me with PTSD, then what? how would that impact my "life"? government benefits? pretty confident, that a PTSD diagnosis would not make me eligible for the insurance to pay for counseling past November, psych meds, electroconvulsive therapy, or any other therapy. but seriously i doubt PTSD diagnosis is enough for government benefits, because, it appears that, plenty of people would qualify.

it is so difficult to just "accept" myself. plenty of precious lil "people" totally reject me. i have no job, "friends", job skills, $$, or future. no spouse, etc.

quite frankly, i find myself annoying. literally i do not know what to do with myself. public nuisance. everything seems meaningless. everyone, including myself (especially myself) seems boring and stupid.

whenever i do something, it appears that the result is the same, as if i were not to have done it.

quite frankly i am just: redundant. useless.

you can't measure emotional strength. but i am weak and broken.

FFS shortfat, I was only trying to help.
Believe it or not, I have been where you are. So. Many. Times. I have tried to end my own life many times and I still think about it a lot.
I am in no better position than you are. I too have no job. I too am single. I have friends, but I hardly ever see or speak to them-I suck at contacting them and gradually they all drift away because of it. I don't have anything to say to anyone that isn't miserable so I've effectively quarantined myself. I have just been kicked out of school and I don't even know why. Everything in my life that ever gave me joy has been taken away from me because of the chronic pain in my hands-I've been out of action for 18 months and I STILL don't have a diagnosis, never mind an effective treatment plan. No one can give me any hope and I don't know if I will ever play music again-and it wasn't a hobby, it was my life. I need to play music like I need to breath oxygen. I get by one day at a time, and often it's 10 seconds at a time. But I do it because I am holding out for the day that I can play my accordion again.

YOU were the one moaning about your counsellor-I was trying to empathise with you based on what YOU said.

But I know that the only way to deal with depression is to look it in the eye, grab it by the scruff of the neck and kick it to death. Waiting for it to go away doesn't work. Wallowing in it makes it worse. You kinda have to hit rock bottom and then come out the other side. I've done that. More times than I can count.

And as for looking into other diagnoses, all I can say is that it is beneficial to understand more about yourself and your own mind. When I was told about my PTSD (after I'd been seeing my guy for just over 2 years-processing trauma is something that takes it's own time,brains have a tendency to keep things buried until you are capable of dealing with them) it helped me to understand why I am how I am, why I react the way I do in certain situations or to certain phrases, learning to tell the difference between normal meltdowns and panic attacks caused by emotional flashbacks. As well as not hating my autism. It has helped me learn to forgive myself for being myself. Now, instead of thinking that I am a worthless piece of s***, always have been and always will be, I remember the child that I was before it all started and I am trying to become the kind of person that she would have wanted to grow into and also try to get justice for her. I don't know how it would benefit you in practical terms because I don't live in America, but I do know that, for ANYONE dealing with any mental health issues, learning and understanding as much as you can about yourself, your mind, how it works and why, is essential for learning to accept yourself and for being able to heal.

None of the things that you have listed that make it hard for you to accept yourself-no job, no $$, no friends, etc-are intrinsic to you. They are circumstances. Circumstances can change. The first step to changing your circumstances is accepting yourself and allowing yourself to imagine that things could be different.

And as for precious little people rejecting you-I see a whole bunch of people who have taken the time to read what you have written and respond to it. I see a whole bunch of people who accept you for who you are and want to help you feel better about yourself. I think you've been rejected so many times that you see it as an inevitability and have ended up rejecting yourself because of it. People have treated you badly enough times for you to think that all people (sorry, precious lil "people"-the way you refer to them indicates how you feel about them) are bad, so you reject them. Learn to accept yourself because nobody else has to. Learn to accept yourself because it's easier for other people to accept you if you don't think you are unacceptable and act accordingly.

Remember that, although everyone's own personal hell is theirs alone, what you are experiencing is incredibly common and you are not alone in having these feelings.

And how can you be weak and broken if emotional strength cannot be measured, hmmm? Admitting that you feel weak and broken takes so much strength that a lot of people never manage to do it. Getting help takes even more. Trying to get help again and again takes more strength each time and you've done it 35 times! That shows that there is a part of you that refuses to give up. That is strength.

Sorry but nothing to do with the thread. How do you pronounce your user name and where does it come from , it looks great

Lately things have been as good as they get

Still I obsess with homophobic precious lil "people" from San Diego 2004, Structural engineering failure, homophobia, autism, job prestige, social rejection from previous precious lil "friends"

Still preoccupied with gorging (eating), several times a day

Dissociated and detached

Do not feel like doing anything

Quite frankly I find everything and everything, including myself, especially myself, stupid and boring

Some egocentric precious lil "people" do not like or accept anyone different from them


While I do not like anyone similar to or different from myself

Feel tired a lot, like what is the point of doing anything

The answer is within our self. It truly is the only way to overcome your depression. Medication has it's purpose as I am on meds, but I take control of my mind when it is feeding me negative messages. The mind will tell us so many negative thoughts, but it is your mind. It is your bad puppy. Take control of bad puppy and tell it, 'I am in control of you.'
The greater percentage of people are not willing to change the way they are, in fact they are happy to be sad.
I train my mind by refusing to listen to the negative crap that it is trying to put on me. But there are mornings that I wake and I feel like crap. It is human nature to have good times and not so good times.
Perhaps this youtube video may be of a help to you.

https://youtu.be/2NiRvwmPDxo

wombash=wombat with sh instead of t.
Kaya=bit like cayenne pepper.
Fukovchi= F*** off with chi on the end. It's a village in Slovenia (not spelled correctly because it has funny letters in it.) I passed through there when I was cycling across Europe with a load of my friends. Many years ago.
Among that group of people I was known as wombat-we all had funny nicknames. The kaya ending is because when we got far enough east for all the buildings to have onion dome roofs we started adding endings like that to our names.

Thanks for the explanation , it's a great user name

There is a chance! I have depression and it was very bad for a long time. I’ve tried dozens of medications, acupuncture, ect, marijuana, therapy and so on. I’m finally okay with life and have found the right treatments.
It is tough it makes it hard to socialize and be with people. That’s already strained due to autism.
Also I was just reading about studies finding long term benefits of one trip on peyote or magic mushrooms. People report feeling more connected, wholesome, content etc.

bitter coffee

all the methods you listed cost $$$.

and, like many transgenders, autistics, and cognitive science bachelors degree holders, i have only had minimum wage jobs. and got fired.

you could look at it as an investment.

but that is a bit of a stretch.

it's like there is something seriously wrong with everything.

graceful degradation.

every day, i am totally obsessed with homophobes from san diego 2006. and want to gorge whenever i think about them.

in psychology they call it "reliving", but that sounds too exaggerated. euphemism. promotion.

it takes so much energy to do anything besides eat, sleep, bathroom, internet. loitering

even panhandling takes too much energy

especially panhandling

voluntarily requestiong $$ from strangers?

that takes so much social rejection. energy, disappointment. feel so ashamed.

sooner or later i might end up homeless.

nobody is going to marry me. certainly not anyone rich.

nobody is going to legally adopt me.

and i try to be as not materialistic as possible. but the united states is materialistic so whatever. try and fail. there is just one of me, and many of them. they outnumber me so they overpower me.

i feel so ashamed