Say Something Random: psychological Conditions Version

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Lately, I’ve been having ersatz nightmares regarding having perverted sex with girls that attempted to have sex with me while in high school, which was some 50 years ago. What makes it worse, I was never interested in these girls.

However, try to find a therapist in my neck of the woods. All three behavioral health organization (WellSpan, UPMC Psychological, True North, are booked for over a year. I’d be contacting Johns Hopkins, Temple university Hospital, Hospital of the University of PA, Milton S. Hershey Medical Center of Penn State University and Christian Counseling Associates of Greensburg, PA don’t take my insurance (Medicare/Medicaid) LIFE program

I cannot have a healthy relationship with my own emotions when I get no breaks from it for most of my life, and without any aide or tool to mitigate it.

Really -- imagine there's someone with you 24/7 without any break and they never cooperate nor compromise like any unwanted parasite -- and you inevitably will be very fed up dealing with that person.
Imagine YEARS -- you'll have a huge urge to just kill them... That's how I feel about my emotions.

When there's no stop button -- only 'go'. And beyond that -- other factors including inability to ignore, dismiss and put the ego down.
It multiplies when the ego's fuel is the emotions that creates thoughts, and thoughts by the ego causing emotions...

When expressing doesn't work. Ignoring doesn't work.
"Accepting" it meant enabling, negative consequences and stop growing. Positive, negative, neutral...

There's just this... Subtle corruption... That just ruins everything.
It's almost like CPTSD, but it's completely unjustified and out of nowhere. Certain internal contemplation tells me that it's not CPTSD; but something else...

What else that made me (or anyone) feel 'too human' instead of feeling 'less human'?

Hyper-independence, but lack of self-blame? Distrust of others, but lack of abusive relationship? Asociality, but without any abandonment issues or sour grapes? Conflicting internal inclinations, but without actual hardships to show for it? That's not how CPTSD works.


Pessimistic but believes to be lucky?? Who does that??

YEAH, while I can relate to CPTSD when it came to reactions, I do not have CPTSD.



Nowadays...
Now that it doesn't wreck havoc with my choices and those around me; and I hear the subtle corruption way less now so I may have a chance to actually get to know of my emotions more objectively without any corruptions or overpowering me...

Another avenue I'm currently exploring now.
I am aware that these emotional processes can potentially take years. I'm barely at week 5. Wow, a month passed by already! Felt like time went by so fast.

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I don't know if this qualifies but I felt like saying it:
I have this irrational fear of waking up people that I've been freaking out about recently because I've realized it's not normal. I feel like if I wake someone up, they'll get mad and yell and hit me or something.
I have both looked this up and told my friends about it, to no avail. Like, all I get this one reddit post with two comments. Friend said, "You're messed up." and we dropped the subject.
I have no idea where this fear came from and it's kinda worrying me.

I don't need help when recognizing emotions, my flaws and faults.

What I need, instead, is dropping the BS.

Dropping the BS -- stop being in-denial, be open and vulnerable then improve upon that, the bravery and trust that accompanies discernment and compassion.

Basically stop being a brat...

Now that my head is not buzzing with the damn brat's voice... I had to learn how to break habits and patterns I developed because of it.

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When it comes to relationship, I want it in my own terms. Really.

If I decided to respect and believe in this person, I would -- not because this person was a boss of me or in a higher social hierarchical position.

Only I get to decide to let a person nurture me and take me under their wing, see their lessons -- not because they put themselves on that position.
Most at the time, I play along usually for professional courtesy; but there's nothing real there unless it IS my decision to because I truly trust this particular person to guide me.


So yes, this includes familial bonds.
I'm attached to my mother because it's how humans are evolved and it is how I was programmed to be dependent on as a child -- not my own terms.

She hasn't gained enough respect from me, nor have a true reason to believe on her.

At best, I can only respect and trust her enough in handling advocacy matters as another advocate due to her current and past achievements involving in her respective local political office.

But as a person? She's nonexistent.
And as her daughter? It's just an coincidental obligation. She feels safe because that's how my body reacts and how my body keeps the damn score. It's the damn subconscious, she raised me since birth and it is why I'm attached to her -- not my own terms.

I am not drawn to her, I do not idolize her, I do not hold her high in esteem...

If it weren't for the fact that I'm her daughter, I wouldn't see her eye to eye.
I likely never had a relationship with her. At all.

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If you've never been allowed to show emotions then you can never learn how to express them properly

If someone else asks me what I think...
All I get was this rough translation of what I actually think.

Can one convert something akin to abstract nonlinear concept with no defined dimension whatsoever, into visceral weight and tactile waves, into what's basically 1s and 0s in a loose sense that it's also a collection of references from memory, into moving images and sounds, then describe it into words?

On top of rapidly fading existence (Crappy short term and working memory), with inevitably missing pieces or losing certain snippets along the process...

Sure the process itself seems like milliseconds, but describing it in assured ways that others may interpret the message right may take me days.

Most of those times were to do with recreating, retrieving and rewriting.
Thus sometimes, half of my posts had to be edited twice; because I suddenly 'remembered' something. Those things were the missing and faded snippets from my initial posts.

And yes, it is very frustrating.

On top of that a lot of references, especially when drawn from memory, is basically a disorganized mess.
The memory bank itself is basically an endless ripped pages of many books, with pages lying around in random corners.
Why not just -- you know -- get a damn binder or something efficient like digitizing it?? Well I wish!

It translates into... Delayed responses, delayed recalls, last minute changes, lots and lots of indecisions and wasted time on decision making because what else may pop up all the sudden?
What if the missing snippet is a crucial piece? What if those were the wrong pages? What if all the details are just not there at all? How do I know what's missing??
I don't. It will just pop up randomly. Be it a minute late or years later.

Urgency translates into 'just do it, doesn't matter what I think or feel or the reality will be or the details itself'.
It becomes another gamble, with sanity as my chip.
As a habit, since it's utter blind luck, might as well not invest a lot in what I can and cannot do.

The autistic lack of certainty amplifies this aspect, but that's what I can only make do out of it; which was to bypass skill and knowledge itself -- luck and recklessness.

What does one do... If something as basic as communication itself is a gamble?

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Apparently I'm not quite ready to end treatment

I don't mean to be morbid or nothing but I like the feeling of sadness

It kind of fills me up sometimes but I don't quite know how to let it out yet so I just let it happen and then it fades

My T reckons it's good for me to feel it because it means I'm connecting to myself better

Since a layer of egocentry is lifted from me...

I might as well now have the power to let go the longing and desire to be understood.

Really... I waited for over 20 years since the realization that I was different from others.

I was so young, feeling so betrayed in what constitutes as NTs...
Waiting what's practically a lifetime of an ND peer, an equal who sees relationships just as differently, someone who will likely understand, someone who is 'on my side' at the very virtue that their not NT...

Even when I let go of the preconceptions; just as long as someone gets it, NT or ND...
I kept searching. Searching for something or someone who might at least understand.

I kept hoping that there's someone out there who has the answers.
Someone who can teach me, guide me...
If not that, grow with me, play the game of life with me, or the very least able to talk to me as if speaking the same language.

And nothing.
Nothing resonates. No one synchs except for few precious moments.
There's no one IRL. No one fictional. And a very scant few online with their own fragments.

I know I'm not alone. That I am connected one way and another.
But I want something else than just the universal truth with everyone in existence in it, I also want something personal and exclusive.

Should I let this go...
This means I let go of everyone else from the expectation. For better or for worse.

I know myself enough.
I was forced to track it. I was forced to emphasize it. I was forced to accept it. And I was so sick of it.

Now I can just get over it now that I'm no longer stuck to it.
I had expected the age of 28 involves a lot of changes. And I also grab the chance to.

I'm turning 29 next month.
I need to move on. I have a month to realize this. I've done something like this before.
And this won't be the last.

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Very smart... regarding watching effects in stuff that people consume..even just daily foods..but alotta reseaerch has starte leaning towards the brain of the immune system is in the Gut...(digestive track.)

I'm so used to being disappointed with people that I spend my time just waiting to be disappointed

I must change this about myself