Say Something Random: psychological Conditions Version

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Yes.. indeed ,, recognize that waking up to a progressive PTSD issue , and , now I have to get up , to find ways to distract my mind...almost everytime . Very odd if I put on my earbuds and quietly listen to this one annoucers voice
describing some uber old acheological find over somewhere ..have just a tiny bit of interest in .. as I come to the level of thought ...it causes , me to be distracted by the topic.And I do not go into the PTSD rabbithole , quite as readily .

It doesn't trigger my PTSD when I remember how often my mother tried to kill me

What triggers me is knowing that she would have got away with it

Yikes , that would be a hard memory to let float around in anybodies head, I would think ? .
Awaareness of a thing , is much better than , not knowing, what may or may not trigger a unexpected reaction ?

Yeah she was a piece of work

I think that's why I have a massive issue when I think people are getting away with things and I feel compelled (even against my own best interests) to call them out

It gets me into so much trouble but like you said Jakki, at least I'm aware of this now so I can at least do something about it

I'm tired of fighting

Earlier today I read that a school in Texas is banning black clothes because they think it will make kids less depressed or some nonsense like that.

I guess next they'll ban crying. Or even just being sad. Total toxic positivity.

I read that in middle eastern culture it's the color white that is associated with death because of the burning hot white sands of the desert.

Here's something I've been working on unsuccessfully for years.
Whenever I prepare to sing with any volume I have great difficulty avoiding bursting into tears.
It's even worse if I change register upwards.
As far as I can estimate this started when pain clinic put me on amitriptyline, but has outlived it's discontinuation.
I practice in the car, but have been unable to find any solutions. This is interfering with my bucket list. I was going to ask my hypnotist friend for advice, but he up and died on me.

Once I thought I am a narcissist.

I mean, my ego IS big.
But something is off...

Because my reactions do not match however I want to react in any criticisms.

Because I don't have a fragile ego to protect.
Because I don't even have an image to maintain.
Because I'm sick of myself that I really wish I can ignore 'me'.


Turns out, it's just stupid emotional lability.
Hypersensitive interoception, inability to 'ignore' unwanted internal crap.

When I no longer have that stupid emotional hung up, I became way less 'narcissistic' along with my other executive dysfunctions.


Still not 100% fully myself.
Better than coping on less than 20%.

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I wish I would be healed. My illness struggles against my faith. I wouldn't wish these symptoms on anyone. How can some escape these illnesses while others can't? My sister who is three years younger has none of them. Despite all that. I've never given up hope and still see the ray of hope.

I've only got two sessions left with my shrink

It's a bit mind blowing when you start to see yourselves coming back together again when you start to recover and you can see all the little complex relationships your inner selves have with each other

It's kind of scary and exciting all at the same time

It's weird what a psychologist can see that you can't see yourself

Like to me I'm just normal but he's been treating me for the last 2 years for free on the NHS

I've seriously only just understood what he's been treating me for

I probably wouldn't know how that would be like for me since I kept seeing past the veil of whatever mental illnesses obscures or distorts.

My own problem was that I do not have the inner tolerance to not react upon said inner distortions and reactionary triggers, making the assumption that I don't know any better or can't handle it myself.


Which makes me meta-emotionally pissed at the helplessness of it...

Wishing I have a space or a distance from my own emotions which I really, really did need so badly of it to let it (and especially me) to breathe.



I was considering professional help when I quit my job last year.

... Then until the recent sudden changes happened...
I'd way less likely be meta-emotionally pissed since I'm no longer helpless and clueless should it ever happens...


It made me understand the theories behind the psych treatments of needing both meds and therapy, and the point of coping strategies and safer places (for safe states to happen) to work in progress into eventual healing.

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I feel like i developed moral ocd. Great, as if i did not have anything else on my plate.

I'm better at being me these days

I learn better with the mistakes of others than their successes.
I wonder how much of this statement is true for others than not...


It is known that if shown what's known as 'not possible' into something 'possible', everyone will follow.

Not me.
Mine is almost always about knowing 'what not to do', not 'what to do'.


I don't get inspired. At all.
I have fancyisms (taking into a liking of a certain idea or goal) and that brought me to nowhere but daydreams and poor decisions.



I'd rather learn how a person 'never gets depressed' and their 'factors' that has nothing to do with successes, than the idea of 'successfully not getting depressed' or 'successfully getting out of depression'.

I'd likely learn about a person who 'failed to be depressed'.
But there is no such accounts... I have to find that on my own or make one up.


So if I want to get rich... I don't do success business stories.
I do failure to get poor stories. Again, it's absurd because there is no such stories.
But that's just how it works for me.

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Learning how to Not fail..or getting info from others mistakes....is prolly at least 1/2 of being successful ?
but that might be just a point of veiw...but that has been a great aide in my learning processes....