Body dysmorphic disorder

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I wonder if there are any other aspies on here who struggle with body dysmorphic disorder.

I have struggled with this most of my adult life. It's not so bad now, but there was a period (from about age 19 to age 24, especially), where it was REALLY bad. I thought my face was crooked, especially my nose. There was a long time where I literally thought I was the ugliest guy on the entire planet. I would sit in my room in tears literally begging God to perform a miracle and change my face. A couple of times, I would try to perform a Silva mind-control type technique which I invented ad hoc to try to literally warp my face into another one. There was never a mirror which I walked past into to which I would not look and study all the defects and then get EXTREMELY depressed. Also, the light in which I am standing makes a HUGE difference in how I perceive my face to look. In fact, sometimes if the light is right (usually if it's bright and it's shining directly down and whose brightness is constant throughout the entire volume of the room.....usually halogen lights), I will literally think I'm the most beautiful man I've ever seen. And then a few minutes later, I'll look into another mirror where, say, a lamp which is adjacent to my face, and then get depressed again, literally thinking I'm the most ugly mofo on the planet.

When I was in the Navy, I befriended this gay guy on my ship. At one time, he told me that I was the hottest guy he had ever met. So I would always hang out with him because he made me feel so wonderful about myself. I feel bad because I was basically using this guy. We had one very minor sexual encounter, but this encounter pretty much made me decide that I wasn't gay.

Now that I'm 36, I haven't exactly "grown out" of it. I still will obsessively go to the gym and I have this thing with my hair where it has to be kept at a constant "optimum" length (that's my thing now: I HATE my hair).

But I've never had a girlfriend, am basically a virgin, and am extremely afraid of women - not just because of my obsession with appearance but for plenty of other reasons as well.

Can anyone relate?

Sadly I can relate. BD is basically an OCD condition. I have severe OCD and when you combine that with insecurities about my appearance... I was housebound for years because of it. I became suicidal and picked up an addiction to codeine. Eventually it sort of faded but I do still have compulsive grooming habits

Yep. I myself picked up an addiction to heroin. Aspies and opiates. There should be a study on that.

^ I wouldn't at all be surprised if a lot of our homeless population is rife with aspies with drug addictions.

The OCD aspect of it makes total sense. I suffer from body dysmorphic disorder, too. I'm nearly always aware of my looks. I'm obsessed with how my hair lays on my head, and the shape of my hair. But most of all I'm obsessively thinking and believing I could very well be the ugliest woman ever. I'm always picking myself apart. I dye my hair a lot, and when there are inconsistencies with the colour, I cannot stop thinking about how horrendous it must look to anyone who knows anything (professionally) about hair. Whereas sometimes I think I'm a total babe, but that feeling doesn't usually last long. It really does depend on the lighting and which angle I see myself from. Most often I think I literally look monstrous.
It feels like such an enormous waste of mental energy. I'd love to be rid of it.

Mhmmmm. I still refuse to show anyone my picture. By the way, my avatar is not me but the 20th century philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein. I think I look like two different people in the mirror vs. in a photo. The photo version is waaaay worse.

I've struggled with BDD and disordered eating since childhood. I'm also an ex heroin addict.

I think in my case the two actually fulfil some of the same needs because I don't hate my appearance or feel the need to starve myself when I'm taking heroin and vice versa. Both come with their own repetitive, time-consuming routines and tend to lead to the rest of the world being shut out.

I don't have BDD, but I'm Transgender and I guess there are many similarities, but also differences...

I think I look like two different people, too. There's what I look like when I photograph myself, and then what I really look like, in person. I don't think it's much the same at all, though people tell me differently. I'm actually really phobic of other people taking my photo. I also suffer from eating disorders. Or rather, a lack of interest in food (sensory/OCD issues). In some ways it ties into BDD.
I don't typically use my actual face for my avatar in public forums, either. I may even change it to, like, Sylvia Plath or someone at some point. I found the idea of people being able to put my face with what I've said a nice thing. But that's subject to change.

I just read about Ludwig Wittgenstein. Very interesting man.

Wittgenstein is awesome.

Sometimes it can help for a close friend or family member to point out other people who look like you, so you get an idea of what you really look like. If you suspect you look like someone, you can ask them, "Is my nose like that nose?" It's important to use someone who will be honest with you. You can also ask, "What's the first thing people notice about me?" It might be something you don't even see, like broad shoulders or a nice way of standing.

Did you know Ludwig Wittgenstein was a fellow class-mate of Adolf Hitler? In fact, there's a photo - floating somewhere on the internet - it's a class photo of all the kids in this school. One of them is Adolf Hitler and another is Wittgenstein. All the kids are about 9 years old.

I've had a motley assortment of celebrities that people have said I look like. The level of complementariness for each one is equally motley.

List.

Andre the Giant.
Lou Ferrigno.
Kramer from Seinfeld.
Billy Joe Armstrong from Green Day.
George Clooney.
Antonio Sabato, Jr.
Liev Schreiber.
Wolverine (which is weird cuz he's Liev Schreiber's brother).

For me it's about having sexual characteristics. I have an aversion to sex and wish I was born with that condition where you have no reproductive bits... so it didn't feel like nature was pressuring me to have sex and get pregnant. I hate the look of my unclothed body... It looks like a woman. Something I'm not, a social role I'll never fit. I want to be an adult, just not one of these curvy, oversexed women.

I don't know if this is body dysmorphic disorder, but i regularly have fantasies of having like, a simplified human body. As in, like, having no limbs, or being just a sentient head, or being sort of like a houseplant (a head in a vase). this DEFINITELY stems from the fact that i sort of have a fetish for the human body being transformed in weird ways, but it's more than just sexual. i feel like if i was just a head, i wouldn't have to worry about anything because nobody would expect me to be able to do anything. i would just be a pet or something.

I bet Sigmund Freud would have a field day with me!! !

I can almost totally identify with this. And actually, I wonder how much of my BDD stems from the fact that I feel I'm never meeting these ultra-feminine standards seen everywhere.

I always like the idea of sex, I just don't usually care enough to do it.

On that other note, I've been told I look like Sandra Bullock and Audrey Tautou, but it doesn't make me feel good. It's kind of a compliment, but it also feels like a way to tell someone they're attractive without saying that they alone are attractive. I understand what you're getting at, though, VAGraduateStudent. I would rather not be thinking of my appearance constantly. I'd just like to be myself without the impulses to change what I look like for approval. That's the hardest part for me.

I used to have this condition in a very bad way as a child.

I used to walk with my head down so I wouldn't invite people's derision and laughter.

I used to think that even paraplegics had a better life than I did--at least they invited sympathy and didn't make people hate them by existing and making people see them while they walked (or rolled) by.

I used to see every little defect on my skin, on my face, everwhere. I could not find any one thing that was good about myself on any square inch of my body.

I used to think myself the ugliest living being on the planet. I used to wish that I could die so that people wouldn't hate me anymore. It got better when I got older. Unfortunately, I did a lot of self-destructive things between then and now to deal with it.

I developed a terrible eating disorder to combat some of the self-hatred and anxiety but that only brought me another set of problems.

I went through treatment for the disorder but if I start to gain too much weight the dysmorphia starts to come back.

I feel for you.

While I don't have an official diagnosis, I am 100% certain I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I tend to get three main worries. The first and most damaging is that I see myself as obese, even though I actually know I am underweight. So yes, I have a co-morbid eating disorder. The second one is that I worry there is something wrong with my teeth and that they look weird and this one really aggravates my OCD tendencies and causes me to obsessively check my teeth. The third one is believing I have white/grey hairs and this one also aggravates my OCD and causes me to obsessively check my hair for white strands. I don't have any, but sometimes the light shining on my hair makes it look as if I do and then I start believing I really do! So annoying and anxiety-provoking!