Say Something Random: psychological Conditions Version

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I often try to imagine how people perceive me and imagine them listening to the music i listen to

I'm fine with outright painful burnouts and it's consequences.
Could care less if it will cause a form of regression.

Because I know it will end, one way or another.
Heck I even never 'regret' my longest and worst of burnouts so far.
And my most intense and violent ones were born out of going all out fun and importantly anticipated that it's invoked and voluntarily.


But I will never be alright for me if I were to start edging into the usual trajectory of many aspies ends up going into by simply existing, let alone doing more -- the everlasting psychiatric need related to long term cycles of depression and unending anxiety.

I already dodged and figured the latter a decade ago.
Why would I put myself in the former?
My 8 year long work will give me the data I need to dodge that damnable pitfall.

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I struggle with emotions. I mean my own not other people's.

I can easy see other people's emotions and I can even predict how someone is gonna feel based on my next move and sometimes I do things on purpose because I just wanna see the emotional response from someone because I just like it.

I think I just switched mine off many years ago. I don't think it's any more or any less than that.

I feel normal me but that's probably because to me I am normal

Talking with other people who have a similar dissociative disorder as me makes me feel kind of lucky because I think mine is quite mild in comparison.

I love my therapist right and he knows it because we talked about it because I told him that I'll miss him when I can't see him anymore and he told me he will miss me too but there's no way I would want to have a relationship with him in any other way than patient/therapist. I'd rather just walk away and know that for a short time in my life at least one person was completely there and invested in just me. I don't think you can put a price on that sort of thing.

I'll always be a half measure of what I'm supposed to be

Anxiety, especially in the evening is troublesome.

call me Zhuangzi cuz i don't know if this is a dream or reality

Hi Zhuangzi

it's a joke referencing an ancient chinese philosopher

Hm.

Where could I find a way to practice somatic experiencing?

If it's basically involved way less words than usual to go around with..

And especially involving a lot of interoceptive sense than just the behavioral...

... Yeah, I'd definitely take it.

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I don't believe in objective morality so my moral compass is all out of wack and I feel like a monster

Surviving can sometimes be mistaken for madness

I can never work out whether my shamelessness is a gift or a curse

I'm thinking it's probably a bit of both. I don't think I would be alive today if I suffered from shame but at the same time I don't think I would have been fired from so many jobs if I did.