Bipolar/Aspergers support and chat thread

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I think I'm getting it done!

Plan is to stay on Lithium and take stimulants as needed. I am down to only 5 mg of Diazepam now coming from 7 mg of Clonazepam! I was in a lot of trouble! May the good spirit stay with me a little while longer.

Hal

I'm definately Bipolar Type 2. I have some aspie traits (but so do all INTPs). I'm also have symptoms of tourettes but I cover it pretty well - Mainly the desire to touch everything - except people it's too much.

I actually have no diagnoses of either AS or manic depression, but have been using this site for years because I feel I fit in. To be honest, it is quite strange that I have not been diagnosed with anything officially despite being hospitalised twice. My general impression is that my symptoms of depression/manic depression are a consequence of never fitting in properly rather than an innate thing (there is no sign of it in my family, whereas there are links to AS, in particular my cousin who is diagnosed).

My impression is that my AS symptoms are mild enough to not be obvious but still not fit in at the same time - and to really want to fit in, or rather, want people to like me for who I am but not prepared or able to fake it. As a teenager I was probably quite depressed for a while, certainly socially phobic - I couldn't even ask my parents for things let alone anyone else, and I ended up really badly depressed and almost mute. However, a lot of this was quite high energy depression - in fact that is what I thought depression was. Feeling too much pain, endlessly pacing my room, but completely unable to communicate anything. I ended up in hospital and they deliberately didn't give me a diagnosis - saying I was too young and assuming that I would be in again soon and they could work it out (my Mum told me this later after it had happened again). They suggested possibly some type of schizophrenia, but weren't sure and didn't want to label me. I see this as a good thing, but back in 95 in the UK, AS wasn't well known and they probably couldn't work out the combinations.

I then had several years of stability, although went through an anorexic, exercise obsessive phase - I actually think the latter has helped me in the long run not to become ill. It is still an essential part of my life, and although doesn't help when I feel too high or low, overall I think it is stabilising. The other good thing is regular walking which is medidative with a physical element, specially when done alone, for many miles.

My moods became unstable again after moving to France, which was stressful. Looking back I realise that I probably had my first hypomanic phase just after I moved there. Everything was great, I loved my job so much I spent hours unable to sleep because I was thinking about it, I loved the city I lived in to distraction, I found some international friends who I thought were great. After a few months of this it began to turn bad - I still had all the energy and lack of sleep, but my moods became negative, and I was very paranoid - similar to how other people have said. I felt that people were deliberately ignoring me - somehow communicating between themselves that they should ignore me, despite not saying or outwardly looking any different. My moods fluctuated a lot - sometimes I was still in a very good mood, but they became increasingly negative and I ended up in hospital again. I assumed I was depressed - I thought that was what depression was, and it was only when I really looked at the symptom list that I realised that in fact I didn't seem to be depressed at all apart from low mood and suicidal thoughts. I think they realised in hospital too as I spent a lot of time excitedly pacing the courtyard rather than lying in bed. Still, I didn't get a diagnosis - language barriers prevented me from saying what I really meant (when asked I tended just to say depressed, thinking that was what I was). When I was discharged the notes didn't reach the psychiatrist who saw me, and as far as he was concerned I was depressed - the antipsychotics certainly took the mania, paranoia (and the joy) out of life and when I finally came off them, 1 1/2 years later, I was really depressed - more than I have ever been - couldn't stand to have even existed.

Since then I haven't been the same. I felt numb for most of a year, then had another hypomanic episode, which was quite short, but I felt as though all my emotions were coming back. My personality has changed - I have more of a mercurial, sociable personality than my quiet shy one I had before. I am more impulsive and I live more for the moment - in fact I have completely lost hopes and dreams, but it appears that one can live without them, and maybe better than with them as I want for nothing (either everything is as good as it gets or I literally want nothing). My moods haven't been too extreme, or if they have they have been short lived and manageable. After the brief hypomania (which wasn't all good - veering into something quite horribly dark in my head at a couple of points), I have just cycled slowly between low level depression and mild hypomania when I have ideas and get things done. Last summer I was pretty low in a very physical way - felt exhausted and aching and struggled to work,, mentally as well as physically, but with the coming of the autumn my mood has improved and I suspect I might be hypomanic again - I have got myself into several projects (e.g. buying a house), which would daunt me normally and would be impossible if depressed. But I am determined to use it to set myself up for the future low periods - like saving money in the bank.

I find that when I am hypomanic I am almost normal (at least that is how I feel). And it is something necessary for me. I have spent most of my life being passive, very shy, very un-self confident and socially awkward. And hypomania seems to be a way to get through that - I can be confident, as good as anyone else. I can get things done that would normally make me crumple in defeat. I can do eye contact and even flirt with people and find them attractive (normally I am quite asexual and hate being touched). I have ideas and the energy to carry them out. And most of all I can be sociable and I love it when it works. Whether I appear normal to others I do not know, but I do feel as though they like me and I love them back. And I feel so lucky - noone can beat where I am. Having normal moods is fine, but then I would never put myself forward for things, never go anywhere, never do anything outside my comfort zone. I don't think NTs can understand this. I feel like they must feel most of the time, except maybe more confident even than they are. So I think becoming hypomanic has been an adaptive mechanism to get me through life. And I am depressive anyway, so if it leads to that, well that is no different from normal. I don't find a pattern in my moods anyway. I didn't choose this, it is a personality change that has just happened, but I can say that the past 3 years have probably been the best of my life despite mild depressive periods. Because in the hypomanic ones I have built so many friendships and succeeded in projects that I wouldn't dare to do in my normal state. I have read that the hypomanic is happier than the average person, despite periods of depression, and I would agree with this. Ironically, if you got me in my normal mood, or lower, I would say that life wasn't worth it overall (that has been my general opinion the past few years despite the happiness) and I am so aware of its transience, but I don't care and that can even make it sweeter. It's good for now and now is all that matters.

It's sad that this threat gets so less attention. I think autistic disorders and manic depressiv illness togethere are one of the most serious psychiatric problems. About 8% with a autistic disorder / ASD also have bipolar disorder. We are rather lonely. Sad Sad Sad.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar II seven years ago, and I'm currently being diagnosed for AS. It seems pretty clear to me that I have all the classic symptoms of both.

I've got two questions, particularly directed at Sunshower - do you find your mood is often the mood of those around you, but in an exagerated form?

I've found that if someone near me is depressed, I'm horribly depressed, if someone is happy, I get even happier, if someone is lonely, I am totally alone.

FYI I don't have aspergers, just a puzzling case of being Phonic syndrome.

Second question: ever since my first manic episode I've never had a stable mood, it's extremely unstable and flighty, changing by the minute, never quite hypomanic but often dysthemic for hours or minutes at a time, then switching again, can anyone identify with permanent mood instability caused by their first episode?

Hello everyone. I have Mixed Manic Bipolar and Aspergers syndrome. I am currently struggling with both. I want to have good social skills but I can't really be a social person when my mind is flipping around like an italian pizza maker flipping the dough really high into the air. It's so weird... I am honestly afraid that my mind has snapped and will continue to bend until I can no longer stand. It's also frustrating because people don't understand it seems like. The people at home have NO understanding of this, and at my school, Career and Life Transition program, the goal is to keep me stable so that I don't flip out at school. I am doing many or at least some things to control this, but I don't want a repeat of my past. I can just see everything else going down the drain. ANd the worst part is that this is only a small portion of what has happened before! Nobody else can see that though. I find that interacting with people when I am in a manic state is like PItt Romney arguing his point on the subatomic level. All that matters in a conversation is: My feelings, my feelings, my feelings...my feelings: Details, Details, Details...Details: My perspective, my perspective, my perspective...My perspective. Thus in current events class at school I will sometimes say things that make absolutely no sense, and in fact, I still get hung up about these details. Like when someone mentioned that Brick Santorum is apparently trying to appeal to women, I said "He might as well drop out of the presidency race and let his mother run." I still think this makes sense and I want to beat it into everyone's head who was there by writing it on my blog....I hope nobody is freaking out because this post is super intimate and long... Oversharing still exists after all...

What I want from this forum is for people to share with me their experiences with Bipolar and ASD, and for people to give feedback on how to stay stable, as well as happy and healthy, a/o loved, amidst this emotional strife.

Hello everyone. I have Mixed Manic Bipolar and Aspergers syndrome. I am currently struggling with both. I want to have good social skills but I can't really be a social person when my mind is flipping around like an italian pizza maker flipping the dough really high into the air. It's so weird... I am honestly afraid that my mind has snapped and will continue to bend until I can no longer stand. It's also frustrating because people don't understand it seems like. The people at home have NO understanding of this, and at my school, Career and Life Transition program, the goal is to keep me stable so that I don't flip out at school. I am doing many or at least some things to control this, but I don't want a repeat of my past. I can just see everything else going down the drain. ANd the worst part is that this is only a small portion of what has happened before! Nobody else can see that though. I find that interacting with people when I am in a manic state is like PItt Romney arguing his point on the subatomic level. All that matters in a conversation is: My feelings, my feelings, my feelings...my feelings: Details, Details, Details...Details: My perspective, my perspective, my perspective...My perspective. Thus in current events class at school I will sometimes say things that make absolutely no sense, and in fact, I still get hung up about these details. Like when someone mentioned that Brick Santorum is apparently trying to appeal to women, I said "He might as well drop out of the presidency race and let his mother run." I still think this makes sense and I want to beat it into everyone's head who was there by writing it on my blog....I hope nobody is freaking out because this post is super intimate and long... Oversharing still exists after all...

What I want from this forum is for people to share with me their experiences with Bipolar and ASD, and for people to give feedback on how to stay stable, as well as happy and healthy, a/o loved, amidst this emotional strife.

I was diagnosed with manic depressive bipolar dissorder I believe in 2008 if not early 2009...
For me the condition can be extremely overwhelming, jumping from one mood swing too another with no actual reason as to why it happens. I take medication and while I admit it does help dampen the sickness 'somewhat' still I can't say I am improving.

It wrecked my life correction made my already wrecked life even worse...

Anyone here feel the same way?

Hello everyone.

I was diagnosed with AS and bipolar around the same time. Unfortunately, I am currently in a depressed state, but the fact that it will get better keeps me going.

Update from HaL!

Well I'm okay with my bipolar disorder. Lithium is working wonders here and for now I have zero side effects.

I made huge progress in understanding my autism and was real lucky to find people on my level to support me with it.

But I still have extreme problems with my chronic state of tension which is a result of 7 1/2 wrong treatment.

Because I can't deal with this ugly state anymore longer, I'm going to see the best available expert for autism and bipolar disorders. He is also a leading scientist on autism so I really hope to find some new ideas there. My own Shrink is out of ideas. I am such a extreme case that I crack all limits. So my appointment with the expert is on the 21. March and I really really hope that he can offer me something new.