Say Something Random: psychological Conditions Version

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Arrrrggghhh support session got cancelled at very close to the last minute, have to wait a couple of weeks until the next booking. Thank f#@k for:

1. this place and everyone here because there is effectively zero help out there and I would feel very alone otherwise.
2. the fact I've learnt some things about how to properly take care of myself.
3. not being in a mind frame where wanting to hurt myself would be an option.
4. My cat.
5. the knowledge that despite my petty issues I am doing alright and have so many things to be grateful for in the scheme of things.

I'm suspecting I have some form of Antisocial Personality Disorder. I'm a little worried about the stigma I might receive here for disclosing this. So uh please be nice I guess

the DSM-5 criteria are as follows:

at least three of the following traits:

Failure to conform to social norms and laws, indicated by repeatedly engaging in illegal activities. (check)
Deceitfulness, indicated by continuously lying, using aliases, or conning others for personal gain and pleasure. (check)
Exhibiting impulsivity or failing to plan ahead. (check)
Irritability and aggressiveness, indicated by repeatedly getting into fights or physically assaulting others. (no check)
Reckless behaviors that disregard the safety of others. (no check)
Irresponsibility, indicated by repeatedly failing to consistently work or honor financial obligations. (check)
Lack of remorse after hurting or mistreating another person. (sometimes check)

I think that the most weirdest thing in my life is that I never knew when my brother and sisters birthdays were.

I don't even know how to feel about this fact when I think about it.

My mother just must have never told us.

I didn't even ever think about it until a couple of years ago either because it just must have been a normal thing for us not to know.

I wonder what's worse; suffering your own jealousy or suffering other people's.

If you've never learned how to trust then how do you know how to trust

With CPTSD trust will always be difficult.
I don't think it can be learnt, per se.

My therapist used to say the trick isn't to trust the other person, it's to trust yourself.

Trust that you won't let the same patterns happen.
Trust that you'll get help if the relationship goes bad.
Trust your own judgment and your boundaries.

Etc.

I've spent my life fighting so much that I forgot to remember to feel

I remember that I'm supposed to feel, but I don't know how. ^

i hate feeling. I wish i was a machine

All of this has a pattern.
It's usually cyclical.

Mine, I figured, is just... Bigger.
Can span for years.

And chaotic -- rapidly changing every week or less, alternating every other day or week; I've yet to see if it's random not.


It's like...
I'm too slow.
Then, I'm too fast.

Then there's...
"Yeah, I get it!"
Then there's...
"Ah, I forgot!"

I don't know.
Something something is just 'inefficient' on top of those cycles. I've yet to describe how, but it's a blurry destination in my internal radar.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

I'm kinda pleased in a way today because I heard my soldier speak to me for the first time. I mean he's always been there for me but I've never really heard his voice before. I didn't really understand what it was and who it was at first but then I got it. I know now how to listen for him.

He's telling me that he's tired of fighting. I mean it's sad in a way but at least now he knows that I know he's there.

My T told me that the one who breaks the cycle is the one who carries the heaviest burden.

It irritates me that I can't tell the difference between a self care type of need for hiding and settling down to hit that metaphorical reset button and depression. I have no idea if I'm okay or not. Ugh. Though I think if I'm wondering, that might be indicative of a problem. But what do I know? I'm emotionally stupid.