Suicide is Painless

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This could be kind of the horses**t version of group solidarity in which the "group" merely throws down on someone who is different. And people are ingenious as far as knowing which lies they can tell that will be most likely to be believed.

This HR lady should have seen through this, but perhaps a combination of intellectual laziness or moral laziness, likely both, she didn't.

I know with my writing, if there is a gatekeeper, I tend to do poorly. Because the gatekeeper tends to judge whether my work is ‘normal’ or not. Of course it’s not. That’s one of the things that make it interesting!

At the Vermont Literary Festival, I think in 2005, I went three for three and it felt great. In one playwriting exercise, we wrote a scene and two professional actors willingly and gamely acted it act. It felt wonderful. And I think the only ‘rule,’ the teacher gave at the beginning was ‘permission to be stupid.’ There was another workshop in which I kind of followed the rules, kind of did my own thing, and as I read my work, I could feel that people liked it.

Actually, it sounds like you might be ahead with your artwork from me. And more power to you! Aren’t there variety of websites, Internet stores as it were, where you can sell you work directly to the public and thus avoid the gatekeeper effect (maybe they take an unacceptable percentage, or unacceptable restraint or something else)?

The funny thing is with my screenwriting, I’m very straightforward ‘Someone wants something badly and has a hard time getting it’ and my unofficial, playful rules ‘no flashbacks, no dream sequences’ and ‘special effects are not a character,' which of course all kinds of exceptions (-->I’m never actually finished an entire 120 page screenplay in part I guess because I have high standards<--) This part is embarrassing, but I’m not so sure that’s a bad thing. One book recommends a lot of a passes at the central core of the story, and of a lot of different stories. But what I tend to do, and do well, is tell a straightforward story in an interesting way!

About Vermont, I don’t know if it’s worth the hour and a half drive from Montreal, but there is a Burlington coffee shop called Radio Bean that’s kind of an example of what a coffee shop could be. This one lady played a keyboard and kind of wailed, but that’s not really the right word. It’s kind of like vocal sound flowed with the music. And when I closed my eyes and kind of let myself get into a hypnotic, alpha state meditation. And there was this guy who played his guitar with both an upstroke and downstroke and it was amazing and the audience watched with rapt fascination. I talked to him and he was going to go down to Boston for more music studies. More studies? Well, he has to follow his own path, but I think he was ready right then and there.

And I know you’re looking for bigger venues, as I am with my tutoring business and my writing. But I do think this is a good example of what can be done without the gatekeeping effect

I love the expression "The Gatekeepers." Because that's exactly what they are, and they're usually not artistically inclined at all. Usually those are the guys who can only see dollar signs. They're not looking for anything original, or new, because they cannot see the value in it, they cannot figure how to sell it. And just like you, Aardvark, when musicians and/or artists have encountered my work they were all in agreement that it was damn good and "a breath of fresh air."
We have a very unique way of seeing the world, and we have enormous amounts of emotions, we're built to be original thinkers, we can't do otherwise. For better or worse.
The way I've found to battle the self-critic demon is to tell myself when I create something, that this is what I can do today, and accept that fact, and that criticizing something while I'm doing it takes a lot of valuable brain power. Power that could be used a lot more productively on the work itself. After, and only after, and usually NOT the same day, I turn on the critic and use his input to better myself for the next time, for the next day. To separate those two (the creator and the critic) has been crucial to the creative process in my case. Remember that we're not great multitaskers, we're better when we focus on one thing and one thing only.
The process goes like this:
Create
Critic
Edit
All on different days.

Well, I have not killed myself, yet, but I sort of put a suicide method list to music. It sounds like a sad uptempo Buddy Holly song.
Thank you for the kind ear Aardvark and Sweetleaf.

I like what you say about different mental gears for different activities, and esp about sending that inner critic off for the day.

I heard Archer Mayor, who writes a series of detective stories set in Vermont, speak about writing. One thing he said is that rewriting is the best part, kind of like a sculptor doing the real artwork. Well, I struggle with perfectionism. So this kind of reminded me that it's a hard task, and permission that I need not necessarily get it right the first time. And combined with what I've previous heard and realized that sometimes it's better to leave a work of art a little rough and unfinished, has been helpful.

He also said that he divides up his year, January through May working on the next book, such and such to such and such revising the previous, and then maybe the Fall touring and promoting the immediate previous published book. Well, works for him. Then again, he's had a while to develop all this.

I guess I'd eventually like an agent who takes care of some of these details. And who understands that I'm not a machine, nor some kind trick circus animal, but I am very much a human being. And in business terms, some money probably will be "left on the table." So be it.

yeah i know what your saying, it seems like if you don't have something someone wants your no good.

I really wish you find your way as well. Finding an agent is hard, finding a good agent doublehard.
Not that I ever found anyone. So I'm not talking from experience.
I do not want to die. It scares me a lot that my mind turns to suicidal ideation.
But I feel hopeless, without hope. All signs point to no happiness. I do not know what to do.
I'm just tired. So very tired. Tired of trying. Tired of all the anxiety and sadness that plague me.
Tired of not finding my place in the world. Tired of all the games. Tired of not being able to sleep.
Just plain f*****g tired.

I feel the same.

I wish we could emigrate to Aspergistan, the country where money and power aren't the only universal values, the country where everyone is welcome and free to do his or her best to enrich human culture and science, instead of pushing money around so that you can push more money around so that you can push people around...

You sound like a remarkable person. I don't understand why this is happening to you.

Damn straight! I dream of buying an island, a big one, and founding a nation like that.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I just wish people like us weren't in such an ignored invisible minority.

The problem is neurotypicals judge all the freaking time, and not using reason or logic, no, they judge based on gut feeling.
And that gut feeling assumes you're just like them, neurotypical. So when you don't give off a "good vibe" they hate you.

"They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool." In their eyes I'm both. I do alot of smart things, say smart things, but I'm a "fool" when it comes to social conventions: I don't act normal, I say what's on my mind, I get bored real quick with small talk, I don't give respect if respect is not due (like to an idiot boss), etc.

A girl once told me: "I've never met anyone who's more real than you, you are yourself no matter what, no matter who you're with."
And that baffled her. Being neurotypical she had the same herd mentality as everyone else. But she said I was an inspiration, that she would strive to shed all falseness that plagued her. She did not like who she perceived herself to be when she was with me. She said she felt fake, phonie, and it bothered her.
What I'm thinking is that she was remarkable for being this honest about her feelings, but she was not remarkable in what she was feeling. What I mean is I think a lot of NTs will feel like that and resent us for making them feel that way. And will never admit to feeling that way.
Yay, another reason for NTs to feel uncomfortable around us. Blurg.

Not yet finished an entire screenplay, and that's okay. I'm writing from the inside out (gem of the main idea), and that's a perfectly valid way to write. And I've experimented with some stuff that jumps around, maybe a little like the movie MOMENTO although I very much do my own stuff, but also a whole lot of straightforward stories in chronological fashion. Some will hit with some people, esp the 'weird' stuff. Different is good, although straightforward is okay.

I tell myself, engagement, not conformity. Although I waffle some. Of course I do, I'm human.

Actually, some of my better work of late has been here on WP. For example, with influenza I got the reference that if a child is getting better and then relapses with high fever that can be bacterial pneumonia (and presumably with an adult, too). And I busted H&R Block pretty good in that they do not meaningful disclose third-party bank cross-collection. And it's not just me saying some stuff, I quoted the Attorney General for California and the IRS Taxpayer Advocate.
'H&R Block, unethical company'<--it feels good saying that! They mistreated me in large part due to aspie traits, as well as tricking employees on nonexistent bonuses, as well as their clients.

So really, I've been doing journalism. And can't really find a job in a few medium forays, print dollars for Internet dimes, all that. And my stuff is way out there, still supported, but different. And better for being different.

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Specifically with the sleep, that may actually be something a doctor can help with. Now most doctors can't talk worth s**t, just to lay it on the table. And psychiatrists and other so-called mental health professionals are among the worse. So, maybe just a good family practitioner or internist? And I tend to think anything with the rhythm of the human body tends to be tough and tricky and you don't necessarily get it the first time, but in time, experimenting with different things, you probably will.

With thoughts of suicide, the zen meditation approach of the chattering monkey, and not attempting to push a thought out of one’s mind?

The part with that girl, Wow, being much more honest than normal about something that is a whole lot more common than usually acknowledged. We make people feel insecure because we're more honest and authentic? wow, that's a tough one, sad, infuriating, unfair, all at once. And such phoniness is writ large with our institutions. And I think one reason I had such issues with school.

It was a major disappointment for me that I did not make friends with fellow activists. In retrospect, I was largely ignored as the “weird guy” (I have a more nasal voice than average, and back then, I really talked a lot about philosophy), and I only did largely figure this out in retrospect.

I was friends for a while with a young woman even though I’m a guy. It was a little awkward in that I was friends with her but not so much with her husband. He generally agreed with her on the issues but I think didn’t believe political activism made all that much of a difference. After the war, she was dealing with some heavy duty incest issues with her uncle being a sexual abuser, and maybe, based on a general feeling, her father also being an abuser. I tried to be honest and told her I didn’t know how much weight I could give to a general feeling (and I think I went on to say that I did not give it that much weight, but thought specific incidents were needed. That is, I tended to view the situation intellectually rather than also with an emotional context.) And that pretty much was the end of our friendship.

She had asked me and several other people and her husband to go with her as she confronted her uncle. She had dressed up a sex doll including writing, I’m 6, I’m legal, and including writing the guy’s name and address on the sex doll with indelible ink.

I felt good doing this. She helped me with some of my issues. So, it was sad when the relationship came to an end.

Prior to this, I thought I was going to make friends with an older grad student---in philosophy. I thought we had a lot in common. I had given him a ride home from an event and we had taken a long walk where we talked about a lot of things. He was open about being gay. In fact, he was newly out of the closet. As it turned out, he was interested in dating me, I was interested in being friends. When he found out I wasn’t gay, he pretty much dropped me like a hot potato. His loss. But of course it was my loss, too.

After this, yes, this one incident, I think I may have been more guarded and did not reach out, and did not extend myself. And so with this young woman, also the fact of her being younger than me, I may have not have thought she could really understand my issues.

As I’ve gotten older, I now realize people younger than myself can understand some of my issues.

Okay, during my time in peace activism, I was kind of the truncated version of myself. I was kind of the “good” version. And not so much the full-bodied robust version of myself. For example, and this part is a little awkward, I often have a rich life of sexual fantasy, including fantasies about dominance submission. I used to feel very guilty about this, thinking how can me a good guy like me . . . well, these days, fantasy is fantasy and real life, real life (and I can even quote a philosopher to that effect! ). And also, at times it feels like understanding a language and I think it’s a source of strength. For example, I can more easily see that genuine workplace bullying is just plain stupid. And if that’s a bit of wishful thinking, I’m still at peace with it. (I'm much more relaxed about philosophy these days, and I've branced out to business, medicine, journalism, screenwriting, and even a little songwriting.)

Colleagues are key, anything artistic or on the edge, writing or music or anything else. My sister’s husband (not on good terms with either one of them) is a solo practitioner lawyer. He’s holed up in his upstairs office writing and reviewing contracts. His clients can’t possibly appreciate how much he puts into it. He needs some colleagues who can. Very much luck of the draw, but then only takes one or two

You mentioned your disdain for "sheeple," when in fact you should embrace them. They are without independent minds, and as such this is your opportunity to give them one: be their shepherd. Why should you die and rob the world of a rare, fully conscious mind? Your sheeple beckon, ANSWER THEM!! !

OP-- what you said in your initial post can get you locked up in the psych ward for a very long time, if the wrong person sees it. As will attempting.

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Aardvark, so you did find some wisdom and acceptance with age, even though you had a really hard life. I too have found that looking at the past with new eyes, with hindsight, that I was not accepted at all in groups which I thought I was at the time. Probably because being politely ignored felt so much better than being berated and bullied.
And a lot of people who I thought were my friends were just trying to manipulate me, to use me to do homework, to cheat on tests, to help them edit their english assignments, to flat out write essays for them, songs, fix computers, program computers, etc. What I thought was acceptance was just them being satisfied with the competent work I did for them. Apart from that they didn't really talk to me, or even said they liked me. And what's more important, they never did anything for me. NOTHING. Except not bully or ridicule me. One girlfriend pretended to love me so I could help her with so much stuff I was like her personal assistant. To an extreme, like Smithers to Mister Burns. She would always say or write "I lobe you." Never love. What I thought was a beautiful relationship at the time was nothing more than abuse. But I probably craved attention and I did pump out very good work for her. Even though she belittled me every chance she got (in hindsight, a very good manipulation technique).



Yes! Just do. Or do not. There is no try. I know it's cliché, but it's pretty much on the dot. Just write as it comes to you and don't force it into any kind of mold. Be as true to yourself as you can be. And use your experience, your life to drive the characters. You have had some interesting and singular experiences with people, use it. We're in dire need of original screen-writing. There aren't enough Charlie Kaufman types out there. Something truly out of left field.



Never feel bad about fantasies! A man should be judged by his actions, not his thoughts. We don't want to go down the slippery slope towards thought crimes.

which brings me to

Attempting yes, I agree. Although I would have no idea how to do such a thing. Nukes? Massive EMP? Virus? Chemical agent? But like I said it's just an angry thought. In reality I'm the most non-violent guy you would ever meet. I don't want to harm people, I just want acceptance, some genuine love. I want the idiom: "In the end, the love you make is equal to the love you take." to be true. I want something real, I don't want people sort of accepting me (but still not) because I can do s**t for them.
I doubt the feds will bust my door down because of a post. And I'm not in the Fascist States of America, I'm in Canada, we're alot more grounded up here. I think.

That some very inspiring advice indeed! But there is one caveat: why would they follow someone they hate? Or are afraid of.


But the whole point of the post was to vent my complete sense of hopelessness. I have no hope. I cannot see a bright future. I cannot see a bright tomorrow. And I keep thinking I should just end it and kill myself. Remove the burden I am to my family.

Yes, acceptance is what I have looked for much of my life.


I have read that in an abusive relationship one dynamic is that the bully will precisely criticize your strong point, where you are also vulnerable. That is, you're not crazy. People really do act this sh!tty.


Often, when I'm writing well, I'm writing fast and sloppily. And often it feels delicious.


Thank you for the reference and the encouragement. Of course I'll do my own stuff that's both way out there and at times just slightly different. And both can be good.


That is a tough one. Hope you don't mind if I keep pitching and keeping trying to help. Fighting for your future is a little like fighting for my own.

Okay, so about connecting with others, the things I'm good at, I tend to be outrageously good at, other people aren't even in my league. As far as the help I need, it's sporadic and it's really hard for someone to help me, except for jobs which has been a source of huge anger and frustration. That one's cloaked in a whole series of authoritarian beliefs. People would much rather blame a person than blame the system.

But I've got to believe there are some openings, in thought, in life, with people, I guess as a heuristic principle if nothing else.

The funny thing is, if I ever were to meet space aliens and spend time with them, I might find myself looking forward to seeing people again. Go figure.

The scientist Oswald Avery in the book THE GREAT INFLUENZA was probably aspie. He would wait till his roommate got home Sunday evening and race down the stairs and pour out all the intellectual work he had done since he had last seen him. And Oswald was liked and respected, as both a scientist and a person. The roommate noticed this pattern, but didn't think it was that big a deal.

Now, if Oswald had lived during times of growing Aspie pride and acceptance (still a hell of a long way off!), things might have been even better. He would know that he had the potential of the beginnings of a tribe and teammates. And he might suspect that other people have even a bigger range of communication approaches and life differences than he previously thought.

A coworker also noticed a pattern where Oswald would be on the phone seemingly animated and engaged and then afterwards his face would slump in a sad way. As if (my comment) he was keeping his energy up and bringing his 'A' game of alertness and everything else, when maybe a sloppy B game would be plenty good enough. I do think I often overtry on the phone.

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I have noticed with myself that if I am lonely today and do not have a social event to look forward either the rest of the day or tomorrow, that's brutal. It is not enough that I have the possibility of social at some indefinite time in the future, I want something tangible pretty much right now. But it is also an opening knowing this.

I do think scientists probably have an easier time than artists. Artists, in their own sense of multidimensional space, just have more different directions they can go in.

I don't see the reason to end one's life because your life sucks.


If it sucks that much.. leave it behind. Pack your bags, find a place to start over and go for it. As many times as you can do it. You may find your happiness that way.