Unsure whether I'm bipolar

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He may think that it's lack of socialisation because if you lack that for a long period of time, it's possible you develop some thought patterns like for example "I'm better than most people." or "I can't cope with other people because they're silly.",...etc. And that may be what he's seeing, as a possibility for an explanation for your behavior and thoughts.
As for my own experience, I went through a period where I developed such thoughts and imagined myself in grandiose ways and productive in some weird ways but I wasn't manic at that point. Probably just a defense mechanism for me. Which doesn't have to be the case for you but I think that's what your doctor is getting at (or something similar). But while I had a hypomanic phase, it was very different from that as I really changed as a person and was very active or at least energized and restless.

Still, I'm also not really convinced that pensieve is bipolar.

Just because I don't understand much about a disorder I may or may not have it doesn't mean I don't have them. I never knew much about autism and ADHD.

Anyway, I just came here to say that I can start to see differences between NT bipolar vs. autism bipolar.

We're all drinking red wine. I know...bad.

I probably have some sort of mood disorder. Whether it's just PMDD or it's something more. My two sisters tell me that this runs in the family though.

LOL. Thanks Doc. I can't focus on words properly right now so I'm not reading over all of that. And sorry for not quoting.

Although I did pick up a few things.

I know what the differences between introverted and extroverted is from then man who coined the two terms, Carl Jung.

I don't think I'm better than people with other mental illnesses. I'm not sure where that one comes from. I do sometimes think I'm better than all people but that's when I know it's time to get off FB.


However, I do understand the overreaction as I do that a lot myself. I tend to jump from one mood to another.

Just because I don't understand much about a disorder I may or may not have it doesn't mean I don't have them. I never knew much about autism and ADHD.

Anyway, I just came here to say that I can start to see differences between NT bipolar vs. autism bipolar. There were 3 of us, sisters, one diagnosed bipolar, the second manic on anti-depressants and me, hating myself for completely losing control that day (maybe I should say due to mania, maybe not). We're all drinking red wine. I know...bad. But I have been on and off severely depressed and cycling back into extremely elevated states. Anywho, I just notice a difference in how they show their symptoms than I do. I'm actually more reserved around people than I would be on my own.

Anyway, thank you stranger on the internet for diagnosing me. I've done plenty of reading up on bipolar so I don't need to read what you quoted. If I was a narcissist I'd probably not have so much remorse about some of the things I say. Not been labelled with that one yet.

I probably have some sort of mood disorder. Whether it's just PMDD or it's something more. My two sisters tell me that this runs in the family though.

Anyway, I just came here to say that I can start to see differences between NT bipolar vs. autism bipolar.

I have to admit it's easy to get into the habit of diagnosing people online. Especially if you're someone with ASD and have researched things to death, as well as being a psyc student and having access to diagnostic resources (in my case). I'm sometimes guilty of internet diagnosing though I try very hard not to - I try instead to provide information and share my own experiences so people have a point of comparison (although obviously everybody presents differently).

Indeed, out of ignorance I just attributed all the symptoms to AS (depression was "social exhaustion/shutdown" and I'd go home for a few months while my parents nursed me back to health, hypomania was just me being a high achiever and obsessive, etc).

Well, I can tell you then that, when I was hypomanic I was a real extrovert. I had high self-esteem and I was a very different person. I needed to do stuff all the time, go out all the time (with or without people, just move). I had a lot of plans.

Only people who already knew me very well, could sense that I was different. For others, I was just a normal person (although I felt better, like charismatic if that is even possible).

But when I got depressed I would shut myself in my room (I lived in college) and basically cease all social contact.

Same here. Unfortunately I get more depressive episodes than I'd like to. My baseline is also more bookwormish, so .... sometimes I whis I could have a manic phase again (regardless of the possible dangers) or at least no depressive episodes.

I was originally going to put this is the chat thread up top, so there are some references to some posts in that thread in here. The post is just very long and I didn't want to distract from the conversation currently going on in there.

Basically I wanted to find out what ASD/bipolar was like as I'm currently going through the diagnosis process for yet another disorder. But I'm doing this because the symptoms are getting worse and it can no longer be what I thought it was. I was once content with mild ODD and PMDD but as you read on you'll find out how that it may be more than that.

Post starts:

For starters I’m glad I came to Wrong Planet as I have been conversing mostly with people who are bipolar/ADHD and living with one that is just bipolar. Although I’m not sure. She is my sister and has OCD too but I’m unsure if there is any ASD.
I was wondering how ASD/bipolar manifested as from what I have seen in others is mostly extroverted behavior. I am a severe introvert and your classic autistic person. As a child I had very narrow interests and didn’t speak much until I was a teenager and wouldn’t have had my first conversation until I was about 24.

Since I’ve been on Ritalin for ADHD I’ve been able to speak to people more, learn social skills and have regular conversations. There are times when it’s just about an interest or it’s very one-sided. Classic Asperger’s stuff.

From what I’ve read so far in this thread it relates to what I’ve been going through lately. I want to read more of the thread, I want to read every page actually, but I just had this urge to post. I was literally shaking over it. I get like that if I hold off doing things I want to do.
I’m not diagnosed with bipolar but my doctor said it could be a possibility and my friend who is bipolar/ADHD says she thinks I may have developed it. The interesting thing is like others in the thread I do seem to have PTSD from almost getting mugged and the symptoms seem to be getting worse. I may have had symptoms for years though. In my early 20s I developed PMDD (severe pms) and had severe meltdowns, fell into depressive states and did attempt suicide before being put on anti-depressants. I was better on them for a while. I don’t remember much from when I was on them. I had no goals like I have now.

When I noticed my PMDD returning and getting worse each month I decided to keep a mood journal. The symptoms should have vanished and not really last longer than two weeks. But they’re still here, just not as intense as they were during PMDD. Actually I think PMDD has started again. There was no break in symptoms.

My worst symptoms are the anger outbursts and the continuing rage I feel, and it often cycles. To be honest I’m not sure if my hyperactivity is related to ADHD but hypomania. I get the euphoria, the feeling like I can achieve anything, and this feeling like I’m this higher plane of consciousness to people and they just can’t understand me. I’m always sharing my ideas with people and they either say I’m a conspiracy theory nut, schizophrenic or ignore me outright.

I go through depression too. I think it’s only short because I get myself out of it by focusing on interests and goals. Doing this while I’m not going through a creative spurt is frustrating as I’m not achieving the same results I would when I was being hypomanic. And when people praise me I don’t even know if they’re being honest. I feel like telling them but I know I can do better. Save your praise until then.
I think I’m going through a low period now. I’ve tried to get back into my writing but I barely write anything down and when I do it’s like I’m straining my brain so hard that after a couple of hours and only two pages I’m spent. Drawing is easier because I don’t like using my head when I draw and I try to ignore the fact that I think I could do better than what I end up with.

Still, I’m trying to learn the piano, an idea that came out of nowhere. Well, I kind of get obsessed with people and want to be like them, or at least, start doing things they did as if I’m writing my biography as it happens for when I am that world famous writer. Oh, by the way, I’m going to shake the sci-fi world. I’m going to be a famous author and screenwriter.

I’ve been creative with food for the first time in a long time. I usually like the same old meals, same old ingredients. I’ve been introducing other ingredients and trying to make meals that are so far away from the routine. Three times it worked out but tonight I royally screwed up. And I was so disappointed in myself I ate it all, cleaned everything up, left no trace of my failure.

I’m sorry this is so long but I’ve wanted to talk about this for ages. I abandoned my own blog because I no longer wanted to reveal myself to strangers, even though I was told how much it helped people not diagnosed, newly diagnosed and parents of autistic children. I also just looked back at what I wrote and no longer felt anything for it. I must have been manic when I wrote the last couple of posts because I kept thinking ‘WTF is this?’ I was embarrassed for my highly praised posts. One was even shared on radio.

God this is getting too long. But I want to share things that I haven’t shared with anyone else. Although I do keep spilling out secret thoughts to people I feel close to when I’m drunk. I’m paranoid. I think people on the street are stalking me. I used to think they would attack me…still do, but it’s more kind of they are planning to do something. Otherwise it’s just people mocking me. Otherwise I don’t care what they think about me. I don’t care to fit in. Normal people just can’t experience me. I’m too full on. They can’t open their minds up to even consider the other possibilities to science.

I read Synchronicity by F. David Peat and my mind was opened. I don’t know if I’m delusional but I’ve always believed events had to happen at a certain time and they determined my path. Synchronicity is all about that. I see the same numbers everywhere. 27 is following me. 2:27, 12:27 (every time I look up, decide to take an action, or remember I should be doing something) and 1:44 (which reminds me of a scripture verse). I suppose I do sound crazy. It didn’t help that I got into Jung as well.

So that’s one example of me feeling like I had this enlightenment that no one else had.

Although these moments have happened ever slightly since I was about 12 years old (I once felt called that I was supposed to look for the anti-Christ) I don’t think I was bipolar back then. I think it might be my medication. Like I said I was never hyperactive before, not so much that it was noticeable. I am now. I’m also impulsive. Even without medication I get these ideas and feelings like I have to do them because no one else will and I have to be the one to start making sure things change for the better. That could be an invention, a revolutionary movement led by me, or a groundbreaking story.

I know I can’t stay on my medication forever, but I feel lost without it even for a few short days. I went off it for 2 months once and could kind of manage but I couldn’t write. And then when I went back on I stopped wanting to write but I have been through periods of intense writing. I went back through my journal entries and was surprised to see how much I was writing before I just stopped and when I tried again I struggled. And I’m still trying. It’s all I want to do and it’s just the right time to write something like this. The world needs to hear this story and watch the films.

I’m in the same situation as one poster at the beginning of the thread in that I don’t want to be like someone else who has bipolar. I know we all experience it differently and I keep telling myself I’m safe as long as I don’t drink like crazy. It’s physically impossible for me to do that. And I don’t get angry and ranty over people like this person does. There’s a lot I get angry over. Mostly it’s about people trying to control the way people think, it’s things that give me anxiety like running out of food (after people have eaten my food). I can also take any opportunity to argue. Something just triggers me to disagree with things I would agree with or have no opinion on. I’ve lost friends over it.

I can’t see myself getting into risky behavior either. I’m too afraid to be outside for too long. I have the autistic fear of change which got worse since PTSD. I’m trying my best to get over it but it’s not easy. I won’t go into stores that I’ve never been to before. I don’t want to go to music venues I don’t go to that often, which makes it hard to be a band photographer. I want to go out more because I feel like ‘a caged animal in both mind and in between the walls of my house.’ I can’t even go out to buy myself new clothes. I shop for clothes at shopping street, a wide open area with enclosed stores on each side, in my friend’s town.

I have a feeling like I haven’t said everything. I never do. It’s just tiring trying to remember what’s autism, what’s ADHD and what’s bipolar and what I must do to minimize these problems. But for now I’m focused on these up and down moods, trying to avoid the depressed states, controlling my anger and direct hypomania towards something productive. It led me towards the piano. I just get lost in what I play even if I can’t completely read music yet. My sister is calling me a genius and I’m unsure if I do have a natural talent or she’s just decided I’m the genius she says I am. I dunno. I haven’t done much with this apparent genius of mine. It doesn’t come out on an IQ test, socially or even on a résumé.

What’s new for me is the cycling of moods. I once went through a change of mood every ten seconds. It hurt my head. I felt like I was going crazy. Now they’re spaced out. As I’m charting these moods to help get a definitive diagnosis I’m doing ok with hourly changes, the rapid cycling is hard to keep up with, but the monthlies are where I get stuck. I think since December I’ve been less creative and falling in and out of depression, I’ve been getting glimmers of hypomania and motivation and then it goes back into depression. Lately I’ve been pushing myself to get out of bed at around 8am, nothing later than 9:30am. But I keep failing. I get a few good days then I stay up longer and wake up late and drag myself out because I don’t want to stay in bed past 10am, because that’s my time to take my medication. I’m completely thrown off my routine if I don’t start at 10am but I haven’t kept to it in so long I no longer care.

Not long ago I had difficulty sleeping but I suppose when you go to bed at 3am after playing piano for 3 straight hours, you do tend to just nod off quickly.

This is so long. I just hope I’m saying those things I meant to say. I’ll stop now.

Post end.

I do have more questions about things mentioned in this forum I don't quite understand, like what is the difference between Major Depressive disorder and depression? I'm just trying to see where I am. And my doctor will be involved in this journey if he wants to be. Sometimes I think he is waiting to see what happens overtime before he gives a diagnosis and puts me on medication (other than Ritalin) and other times I think he's yet again downgrading these symptoms as nothing more than a person who lacks structure and socialisation (his exact words by the way). He turned my PTSD into an adjustment disorder even though it's been a year, and there's been no overcoming of these symptoms. They did go away for awhile but came back after PMDD got worse and decided to stay indefinitely.

Glow, I may be kind of proving your point about corrections here (sorry!!) but Major Depressive Disorder is not a form of Bipolar Disorder or Schizophrenia. All three are separate disorders, although Bipolar and Major Depressive Disorder are both classified as mood disorders.