What is schizophenia like?

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I've been diagnosed with schizophrenic spectrum disorders several times although they switch the dx between schizoaffective, schizophrenia, psychosis and schizotypal personality disorder. I'm not quite sure where I am on the spectrum but I will describe some of my experience.

I am currently medicated and have taken my meds almost everyday for the last couple years and most my psychotic symptoms seem to be gone for a while.

I never had a serious problem with hallucinations although I have had brief ones such as hearing my name or a few words as well as illusions. Illusions differ from hallucinations where hallucinations are senses of things not there and illusions are sensory distortions in what is there.

In some ways I have had insight into the working of the universe and am aware of many things people do not know about. Some may say they are delusional but I think most people are. I believe psychosis is overactive extra sensory perception that most people are not aware of. For me it has been a gift and a curse. There is no such thing as delusions when nothing's real.

I have derealization which is where nothing seems real. Personally I'm not convinced anything is. Things do seem more real since I've been on meds.

Off meds I have severe negative symptoms. Meds actually give me emotion. Off them I have none pretty much to a point where I seem psychopathic. When I have no emotion I don't care either. I'm not depressed, anxious, or anything. Just nothing. It's not so bad because I am unable to care. This effects other people more than me because I am unable to care about anyone elses feelings either.

Emotions I do have are random nonsense. They are not triggered by anything and inconsistent with what is going on.

Off meds my thoughts are disorganized and I have a lot of trouble thinking clearly. This makes communication difficult as well as concentrating on anything including simple stuff like watching tv. Short term memory is also effected.

I have had memories of things that didn't happen. I think this could be from confusing dreams with reality. Schizophrenia blurs the line between dreams and the waking state. I don't think either is less real than the other.

I am aware of reality glitches that most people are not aware of. This has given me an advantage.

I am susseptable to mind control from outside forces because the natural block most people have has diminished. This is also part of overactive ESP allowing me to be open to receive signals from outside. Meds help block this.

I have some bipolar like symptoms. I have the energy shifts of a bipolar patient as well as severe impulsive control trouble but I do not have the typical depression symptoms at all although I do get a complete lack of motivation. Depression for me manifests more as nihilism and anger with narcissistic traits.

My emotional memory seems to not work. Even on meds I do not remember what emotions are like when I'm done with them.

I tend to do pointless things for no reason without really thinking about why.

I have severe hypersomnia.

Asperger and ADHD symptoms worsen when schizo symptoms act up. I can especially get stuck in loops where I do the same things in a loop.


I have more I could add but I will leave it at that for now. I realize I do not have typical symptoms and most psychologists have said they have never had another patient with a collection of symtpoms similar to mine. I actually wouldn't mind hearing input from others if they have had similar experiences to me because I'm not quite sure if I even have something that has a preexisting diagnostic lable.