Mental illness and Creativity

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I don't know how to play instruments, much less composing music. I'm bitterly jealous of my friends who have multiple talents such as writing music, fiction, drawing, programming, etc. My skill set is far more narrow, but perhaps that makes it more focused.

I do wonder, though; why did you stop composing? If you don't mind me asking, that is.

As much as I criticize myself for my artistic ability (or lack therof), art is something integral to my identity and if I can't do it for whatever reason, I don't think I could live - just survive (if I can even do that). A bit melodramatic, but art is srs bsns to me.

There is that connection with me. If I was never depressed I wouldn't be suicidal. At the height of my depression I become suicidal. There's no overlap with me; it's all a part of bipolar disorder.

No wonder it is so hard for me to get diagnosed when I don't fit so snuggly within the criteria.

I can be highly energetic and still depressed, I think it's known as a mixed episode or dark mania or agitated depression. I can still function quite well when like that. I might be so angry to want to blow the whole world up but but if I just keep it to myself and carry on with my day I'll be able to get a few things done.

I have ADHD too so the only time I can get focused is when I'm passionate about something, that can happen with mixed episodes too (which includes depression). As for finishing it, I hardly do unless I can do it all in a couple of hours or plan to get back to it for a few hours over 3 to 5 days. Anything past that and I won't stick with it. So, I guess I'm just used to struggling with lack of focus and motivation. I have my own form of self-medication for it. Fortunately, I'm highly sensitive to certain food which can launch me into hyperactivity. Usually, when I struggle to find motivation or focus I pop in a fish oil supplement. Sorted.

Just because I don't fit the usual definition of depression doesn't mean I don't have it. I experience several layers of it and it usually climaxes on very suicidal thoughts. In fact in an agitated state I'm more likely to make an attempt on my life. Again, it's because of depression that I'm suicidal at all. And I do experience deep melancholic depression where I can't even move and do little more than cry. I can feel completely numb, be unable to buy food or make myself a meal but then a few hours later I might become hypomanic again.

We all experience depression differently. There was a study recently that found men experienced more anger outbursts when depressed rather than melancholy. I'm not male but I experience the same moods during mixed episodes.

So maybe in my case my moods are too severe to be classed as normal moods like depressed, angry, sad, etc but are too brief to be taken as serious mental health issues.

it's possible that you are just suicidal when you are depressed. I just wanted to show that it's not necesserily like that and not everyone who commits suicide does that because of being depressed.

My half-brother committed suicide in an schizophrenic break down and I once thought very serious about suicide, feeling hipe, while having severe side effects from a psychiatric medication and in addittion too less sleep. I was just not thinking right at that moment.

Also how far I've read, you also have ADHD and I guess also a form of autism?
So it's difficult to sort everything out, when you think that you have more than one disorder going on. Also because psychiatry is still not a 100% exact sience and much is just try and error.

I used to have serious anger problems as well. But when I went on anti-depressants, the rage was more subdued. I still feel frustrated and angry, but back then my rage was so bad I was violent, irrational and completely unable to cool off until the damage was done. There was no way to prevent the anger, either. It happened no matter what mental tricks I tried. I think my anger is due to my anxiety, really. Even worse is that I also couldn't draw precisely because I couldn't calm down enough to focus. I guess some people are just really good at channeling their emotions constructively



Fish oil? Like cod liver oil? Does that stuff really work? Maybe I should try that.



I would never accuse you of not actually having depression. In fact, I don't have melancholic depression either (but I have had some pretty severe depression before). It's also true that depression is most dangerous when mixed with anxiety/agitation because you have the dysphoria mixed with the energy and motivation to commit suicide. I think some of us were being a bit pedantic with definitions.



Same here. Though the older I have gotten, the more apathetic I have become. That does worry me because I don't want another episode of clinical depression.

I think your symptoms are clinically significant. If you experience mood swings that extreme and rapid, that is serious.

I just ended up going on to other stuff.

I feel very inspired and creative when I'm manic, but not at all when I'm depressed. I've learned to just accept it – that depressive phases are a time for rest and regeneration, and it's okay that my creative energy comes in short bursts!

I've mentioned this book before,an excellent read.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Touched_with_Fire

I know when I first started experiencing suicidal thoughts. It's when all that mood disorder stuff popped up, not long after taking a medication. I did have a mild depressive period in my teen years but it was never so great to want to kill myself.
I've also wanted to kill myself during anxiety and mixed episodes. Whenever I feel like I can't take it, that's when I want to kill myself.

I seem to have a lot more awareness than others (not just here but compared to people I know with mental problems) and can sort the symptoms out.

I wish I could that. I'm still not very good at handling my depression. Apparently my sister can cope with it fine though she does self-medicate and by accident I did experience what doing that was like. I was depressed yesterday and somebody put a drink in my room because they were celebrating New Year's already and I decided to drink it while I made dinner and I felt better. Then I sort of joined in with the NY celebrations and got stoned. But now I kind of don't want to do that for a long time.
I could never self-medicate like that. I end of losing too much control of myself when the effects wear off.

It might just be better to go through depression because like you said it is a time for rest and regeneration.

Sorry I didn't answer this earlier. Yes, it works for me very quickly. I've been taking fish oil for quite a while and now take 2000mg, which could take me up to 6000mg a day but I don't like to take that much. All the extra focus I get out of it does wear me out when the effects wear off.