Bipolar/Aspergers support and chat thread

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Maybe using the term 'putting up with' was a little wrong. They were both considerably quieter than usual and I carried us both on the 'fun and chat' stakes.
I felt the paranioa and settling stuff was more to do with insecurity. I should add that one of these relationships went on for 10 years and neither of us knew she was bipolar until after we broke up. I actually just put the moods down to 'bad PMT', how stupid of me. She was very jealous of the girl I was seeing before her and this 'thing' about settling would come up every few years, and this previous ex would feature in this. The previous ex was 5-10 slim and blonde, while the ex with bipolar disorder was 5-2 with brown hair and a little bit overweight. I think a lot of her insecurity comes from being very overweight when she was younger. I was 16 stone at 16, so I know how s**t it is to be that fat kid, but I lost that weight and kept it off longer that I was actually fat, so I don't really care anymore, but I am a little cautious with people as a result, and maybe a little jaded too if I'm honest.
As well as being diagnosed bipolar aftter we broke up, I later found she was also diagnosed with AS, which is probably why we hit it off so well. I've only been diagnosed myself earlier this year. I've never felt more comfortable with another person than I did with her. Oh I don't know, the whole thing's just confusing as hell.

Awhile since i posted but appreciate advice. Unavoidable event requires presence and self exposure to triggers. Travel to home town of bad memories an participate in large social settings spending time with family all which i moved away from years ago. Purchased tickets tuesday with reservation and anxiety. Friday psychiatrist said i displayed defensive body language, appeared hypervigilant, lacked explanation in general behaviour seemed off. Have two more sessions with him monitoring stress and mood before i go advised to go back to risperdal from seroquel. I hate this, ive been pacing and my facial tics are coming back, its hard to focus and keep losing my train of thought. Unsure what objective behind post is other than paradoxial impossibiliy facing triggering situations requiring unimpaired cognitive functioning i lose taking anti-psychotic to help surpress mania without triggering episode. Uncertain of clarity very confused and might try later unless its comprehended

ahaha I sound like ILoveMyAspie.

Sorry for the long post. I haven't had anyone to talk to about this and I guess I really need to get it out. I'm in a really bad place and I'd appreciate any help or advice anyone could offer. Thanks.

I have AS and I think I might have bipolar disorder too. I never considered it before because I misunderstood what mania is, but now I've learned a bit about it and it seems it might explain a lot.

I was in therapy for 14 years, from age 5 to 19, but no therapist ever caught on to my AS or gave me a better diagnosis than "depression" or - incorrectly - depersonalization disorder.

I've suffered from depression and insomnia pretty regularly since I was way too young (insomnia from 5, depression from about 8 or so). I was generally dismissed as "wanting attention" and faking depression to get it. I was also always getting yelled at for being lazy because I was constantly fatigued. During university I finally had the ability to do something about it myself and got a prescription for antidepressants. I believe the first one was celexa, and I don't remember what the second was. I took each for about a month (years apart from each other) and they only made me worse. I quit each after a month and the negative side effects (sexual and sleep-related) took nearly a year to go away. I swore off pills completely and decided to deal with my problems without the help of some quack psychiatrist.

Years later I discovered AS and most of my problems were explained. I figured I'm stuck with depression the rest of my life but it's often affected by the seasons so I figured for each winter I get through, I will get a "reward" of happy times in the spring and summer, and I finally have enough good friends that I have a support system when I really need it.

My "up" times I never considered might be mania, but after what I've read recently it seems they might be. I've been told I act a little crazy during these times - talking rapidly, loudly, and endlessly, constantly fidgeting, and just sort of over-the-top. I always just thought it was because I'm so rarely happy, and when it happens I can't imagine *not* being happy - everything in the world is just so beautiful and amazing. I get these huge rushes of creativity and all these amazing ideas, but I can never focus long enough to really do anything about them. It was never a problem and certainly it was a lot better than depression though, so I looked forward to these rare times and enjoyed them while they lasted.

Recently things have been changing. It's been about six and a half weeks now. I had a really terrible experience recently (I won't go into the details now) that left me completely shattered (and lost me almost all of my support system). Everything I believed in was suddenly false and I lost touch with reality. I started thinking I was going insane, or that maybe I was schizophrenic (a fear I had when I was younger as well). At one point I thought I had died somehow and was just an empty shell walking around faking it without being capable of feeling at all. Then I started to feel like my consciousness was splitting, that my old self had been locked away deep inside me and all these other parts of my personality were trying to take over, fighting for control. It wasn't that I heard voices, but I could "hear" my thoughts coming from many different and separate parts of my consciousness, and they were always fighting and trying to make me do different things (all of them bad ideas). For the first time in my life I experienced rage, and it wouldn't stop. My brand new and very expensive computer gave me a minor error a few weeks ago and I nearly smashed it. The only way I could stop the insanity in my head was to cause myself physical pain. My wall took a bit of a beating many times (it won though - you can never win against a brick wall). I nearly injured my cat, who only wanted to play, and I found myself having to fight the urge to hit the kids at the preschool I work at. I certainly hope I would never actually hurt them, but it's still scary that the thought even entered my mind (it never has before). I haven't slept properly since all this started. Sometimes I try to go to bed but all I can do is roll around and bang my head against the wall. Sometimes I don't bother and just stay up way too late. I feel dead tired every morning when I have to get up, but by afternoon I'm wide awake and I can't sleep the next night.

Simultaneously I've been deeply depressed. I have all this restless energy and can't sit still, but I also can't seem to get any exercise. I can't even get up most of the time. If I want something on the other side of the room I can't make myself walk over and get it. The weather has been gorgeous but I've just been lying around playing video games and watching movies. My apartment is a disaster. I haven't washed any dishes I didn't immediately need, there's piles of junk everywhere, it's just disgusting. But I can't bring myself to do anything about it.

I knew something was really wrong when at a party I consumed a substance that floods your brain with seratonin and makes you feel happy (no judgment or lectures please, it's not even illegal where I live and I'm experienced enough with it to know how it works and how to use it safely) and even though I was very "high" I still felt depressed. That shouldn't be possible.

I guess maybe this is a "mixed state"? And far more extreme than anything I've ever experienced. I'm ready to rescind my hatred of pills if I can find something that works, but I know I need to find a good, experienced psychiatrist to help me with this. One with experience with autism in addition to bipolar disorder (or whatever else might be wrong). The only thing I can't find an explanation for is my permanent fatigue. Even when I'm irrationally happy I never stop feeling tired. It's to the degree that I considered for a while that I might have narcolepsy. Sometimes I just get overcome and can hardly keep my eyes open - suddenly and without warning, even in the middle of work. Caffeine does nothing against it. It's very rare that I really feel like I have energy. Can this be explained by autism somehow? Does it mean I can't be bipolar? The rest seems to fit. And if it gets worse over time when left untreated, as I've been reading, then maybe that combined with my bad experience might explain how it would suddenly start to cause delusions/hallucinations?

Thanks for the response. I did swear off medication but at this point it's so bad that I'm prepared to try pills again if it helps. Especially since I don't have the time or money for a lot of regular therapy, and I need immediate results so I can keep doing my job well (responsible for 20 kids average age 4)... But I'm not interested in antidepressants - I've had my bad experiences with those! I don't want more. I have some valium and occasionally I take half a pill when I absolutely have to sleep, and it works very well, but valium is habit-forming and not good for depression, so I don't want to keep taking that. I've heard about Lithium but don't know much about it. I know there's others too but I need to talk to an expert (or I'm interested in hearing what other people use).

I know I need to see a doctor but that's my other problem - I don't have a doctor of any kind in this country and my insurance doesn't cover psychological treatment except "emergency" treatment (ie suicide attempt or something), and I'm pretty broke. It will also be difficult to find a doctor here (Prague) who speaks English, has experience with these disorders, and doesn't cost a fortune. That's why I'm looking at the internet first for more information, so I don't waste any time or money trying things that won't work.

This rage is really horrible. This sort of "voice" in my head is trying to persuade me to punish the people in my life who have hurt me even though I know they didn't mean it and it's really no one's fault, but the "old me" locked away inside and not allowed out still has enough power to stop me from hurting anyone else. So the only way to make it stop is to hurt myself. It's only a matter of time before I break my hand on the wall. I can't sit still and I can't sleep even though I can feel how exhausted I should be. Tried drinking some cheap (bootleg) alcohol but still not helping. Just fighting the cat (he's kicking my ass, which is good in this case) and fidgeting and writhing around in strange ways while dishes and laundry wait to be done, my head is full of creative ideas but I can't do anything but watch movies, play video games (even that not for very long), talk to imaginary fiends (who are now imaginary enemies), and write all my psychological issues to strangers on the internet. :/

Hm.. When I write it all down like that it seems I might be even more messed up than I realized. On the other hand, I kind of do realize it, which might be the worst part.

Psh if you ask me a lot of 'normal' behaviours when said bluntly as you did sound messed up, so don't think you're going insane or anything. You're just hurting right now and your brain and body are trying their best to deal with it.

Have you ever tried meditating. At the risk of making you roll your eyes, I started going to a near by Buddhist centre recently and I find it's helped with my sleeping issues. I had sever insomnia for a few years that just kept getting worse, and of course the sleep deprivation can cause more hallucinations, confused thoughts and lack of grounding in reality than normal. It does just suck for your mood in general too, so anything to help you relax if possible.

If you're using the computer a lot instead of sleeping it might help to download F.lux, which just changes the brightness of your screen as it normally mimics the sun, and at night you shouldn't be looking at something like that. It dims the lighting around sunset which helps your body maintain or reset it's normal patterns for sleeping. (If I'm being too vague let me know.)

And the meditation I've been doing is done outside of buddhism, but came from it. It is otherwise known as Mindfulness, and they teach it to many people with mental health issues such as anxiety, phobias, depression etc.
In a way it's a therapy itself, as you are focusing on yourself, your feelings or body and just allowing yourself to be as you are. In that calmer state you can find out more about yourself, it's like having a slightly clearer mind to be able to go, 'oh maybe that's a trigger' or something.

It really does help, even if it's just giving you 5 minutes of time to shut up obsessive thoughts, or a bit of time to relax (which is what it started as for me but with F.lux and meditation and naps whenever I felt drowsy, instead of fighting it, my sleeping is pretty much normal, with less naps each time).

I think the best thing would be to focus on, or keep an eye on your sleep and how it impacts on your mood. It may be more within your control, and altering your sleep may be powerful in helping alleviate some of your current mood problems.
I suppose you already know this, but I can't stress enough that worrying too much abou lack of sleep is probably the worst thing. Having naps whenever I could, and seeing it as a treat and a thing to reassure me I'll function tomorrow if I don't sleep that ngiht was the first step to getting slightly better sleep, and I'd tried everything you possibly could, so didn't think something so simple and natural would help. =/

If you wanted any information on the Mindfulness I'm doing I believe I can send you some information.

I'm not confident in saying anything regarding Drs as over here we have the NHS so things work very differently to over there. =/
But are there any free services for people with mental health problems? Support groups? Volunteer places or phone lines? or advice centres?
I just can't believe people need to pay for a chance to live normally, it's disgusting.

Hang in there.

I tried meditating many times, and many different kinds. I was never able to do it at all, and the frustration of being unable increased my anxiety and made me feel even worse. I'm just not able to monitor, organize, calm, or control my thoughts in any way, and even trying to physically sit still for any amount of time is like torture. I also tried yoga, with similar results. I think I need something more active. A friend once recommended Kung Fu, but I haven't gotten around to finding an English-language teacher and don't really have the time and money right now to start it.

There are probably plenty of free services, but only in the Czech language, and my Czech is absolutely horrid and not nearly good enough for something like this.

Starting yesterday afternoon I started writing down my emotional state a few times per hour (or whenever I noticed it changing). I was very surprised by the results. Normally if someone asks me how my week or even day was, I can't remember. I only remember feeling however I feel at the moment. I've never monitored the changes in my mood and I'm shocked the way it changes: suddenly, drastically, without warning and without any hope of control. My mood at any moment seems to reflect my current situation directly, with no influence from even just minutes before. Does this sound like what you guys experience when you're manic? Does anyone have any suggestions (aside from medication) on controlling these moods - is it even possible? I've tried but it's like trying to block a tidal wave by standing in front of it.

The good news is that my rage and aggression seem to have reduced considerably. Looking over my notes I realize I did have a few bad (but short) periods, but nothing like what I was experiencing even just a week ago. The "voices" in my head have faded away and I only have the restlessness and inability to focus now. I even had some euphoria and most of today I felt pretty good (or at least not bad). So maybe this awful period is finally ending and I can get on with my life...

Also, on the topic of sleep. Aside from it taking hours for me to actually get to sleep (been a problem since I was 5), I also have problems during sleep. I don't seem to get any sort of deep sleep. I start dreaming even before I fall asleep and continue even after waking up, and no matter what time I wake up or how long I've been asleep, I'm always interrupting a dream (I have loads of the more interesting ones written down). I've never had the chance to go to a sleep lab but I suspect I don't get any of the deep sleep you're supposed to get between the REM cycles, which might explain my neverending fatigue problem. Even when I'm absolutely restless I still feel tired/sleepy and have to be careful to stay away for my bed or I'll spontaneously want to lie down and it's hard to get back up, even when I'm twitching and banging my head against the wall with restlessness.

Not 100% sure if Aspie, maybe 90%. But I was DX'd with BP II in 2006. I'm not really employable. Was laid off from my job 5 months ago, started being self-employed as an independent distributor for a direct sales company trying to get that off the ground. My life is just a mess in general.

Anyway, hi everyone.

Seth

My bi-polar cycles several times a day anywhere from dark depression to absolute insanely happy.
I love the happy part since it seems fair compensation for all the lousy symptoms!
Lithium has helped a great deal and improved my sleep pattern.
Anyone else get times of insane bravery? When nothing scares you at all?
I usually take advantage of it and do all the things including social I would usually avoid.

Its insane when I am on a high. I do so many things sometimes the consequences of which I later regret and dread.

Hi everyone.
I have struggled with Bipolar Type 2 for many years, and am just now coming out of a very bad mixed episode. One good thing that came from it is that my psychologist suggested that I have some of the traits of Asperger's (difficulty forming social relationships, shy), so I've been reading up on it to learn coping methods. It's been a relief to find that there are people like me out there who just don't seem to fit in. There is a great book by Rudy Simone called Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger's Syndrome. She says that bipolar disorder is the most common comorbid diagnosis with AS for women.

Hi Turquoise, thanks for telling us a little about yourself.

Seth

Hi Seth, thanks for the welcome. Sorry things are so stressful for you right now.

Turquoise

Michelle here, new to wrong planet, have aspergers, bipolar, ADHD and and anxiety, diagnosed with all by a psychiatrist with experience when I was 16. Am 24 now, have one girl 4 on the spectrum and a 3 year old developmentally delayed.