Bipolar/Aspergers support and chat thread

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This morning I felt like I was finally coming out of my depression and I had to go do it all over again. My over-active quixotic imaginations have long faded away and I feel more pain now. I've failed at the only thing I ever wanted in life so badly that nothing seems to work for me anymore. I'm still hoping that someday I'll be able to come out all of this. Its so hard to live with lack-of-motivation to do anything when infact I was a very creative person in the past. I've tried so many things that only seem to depress in the long run rather than help. I'm tired of all of this.

I was just wondering, did any of you just randomly email psych's for assessments or what?
I've like, composed this email that doesn't go into any detail but is patchy because I don't know if it's a good thing, or if I trust them, or if it goes to some receptionist or somebody else, but contains the message with a lot of fluff to like build a better picture, sort of? I really don't know if it's a good idea or something, but it's like I'm heading down a dark path once again. Do you think I should send it, or delete it? Ugh.

I see a psychiatrist regularly and I think it's vital for anybody who has bipolar to do so. If you're not seeing someone and you have bipolar, then emailing or calling is a very good idea. You don't need to divulge any information at all in that - just arrange an appointment and go from there. Talk during the appointment. Then only way to find out if someone's good or not is to try and find someone recommended as being good by a bipolar support organization or by a friend, or to go for an initial consultation and decide yourself. It can be hit and miss; I've been to three and the third is the one I stuck with.

I wouldn't say I was bipolar, but I couldn't find a forum that talks about psychs and emailing them out of the blue. This is about the closest fit. I don't know if I can meet in person. I've asked if emailing is possible, but I don't expect much of a reply. I think they'll see me more paranoid - which is true, very very true - than Aspie. But I'll hope for a good reply.

Ta, J.

I suspected Bipolar first maybe around 10 years ago. I can't remember for sure.
We still don't know exactly.

Espessially my mom is suspecting it since years once in a while. She was suspecting it even befor I got diagnosed with autism. And then I had the autism diagnoses and first it was enough explenation for me. But since a while I'm wondering about it again.

I have clearly depressive episodes and sometimes I felt good and bad at the same time. I was never manic, but I'm not so sure about the hypermanic!?
I also read, that autistics have more often moodswings and moodregulations problems. So could it also be explained that way?
I don't know for sure.
Now I have a trauma since nearly two years, what makes it even more difficult to tell.
But I did a PTSD-test and for the first time I just fullfilled in 1 out of 3 PTSD-tests a positive result.
A half year ago, I was still clearly in the PTSD-range. So it is getting clearly better after a view months.
But I still have it.

I tryed a lot of ADs and other psychiatric medications, but they didn't really helped me, but just had huge side effects very often. The first medication that really helped me is lithium. A classic bipolar medication. But I know, that it also helpes my classic depressions and other mood disorders. So I still can't be sure...!

Mostly if I'm having symptoms of this, It's after I drank too much coffee. I'll be rambling, can't sleep. chest pains, etc. People think I look sad. I try to explain that I just drank coffee to treat the depression and fatigue, and now I'm hyper.

I'm really excited about this Vyvanse, so far it's working. WIth bipolar you usually avoid anti-depressants, or at least me, they make me manic. But my psychiatrist says stimulant medication may be a better bet for some reason. I'm taking only the lowest dose for two weeks to see if it works.

Now I'm not craving coffee and getting gittery lol.

I can't quite place what bipolar is. It's a strange mix with schizophrenia/aka hallucinations occasionally if you're too manic. So if I'm too manic, I will get wild ideas usually related to spiritual powers and then sometimes I'll hear thoughts out loud. They aren't bad all the time. It's like an extension of my personality, which apparently is considered for my wellbeing and others.

For instance, a mania induced voice will tell me to avoid drugs and alcohol. That's pretty much it. It's not saying, i'm an evil demon coming to destroy you. I fight it with humor and positivity.
I'm sure if I was really negative or engaged in unhealthy things, then I could potentially hear bad voices and behave poorly as a result.

So i feel like I'm forced to think happy all the time, lol. If I don't stay positive it's like I will sink.

Mania sucks. At least I don't get depression much.

How are your manic or hypomanic episodes?

Do they differ from neurotypic manic/hypomanic episodes and if "yes", in how far do they differ?

I love my insanely happy mania moments it makes up for all the other lousy symptoms!
I have been diagnosed with bipolar but I am really trying to get checked for ADD.
My moods switch every 2-3hrs and I score ultra high on every quiz for it.
The most annoying symptoms are spacing out for long periods of time and thinking of 10 things at once
with no way to control it.

Okay, I'm just (again) under suspicion.

I my case, my depressive Episodes are long, even months.
I'm most irritated by the episodes with mixed symptoms, wenn I feel happy and sad at the same time. Then I'm mostly irritable and my behaviour is slightly irrational.

When I'm happy, or hypomanic, I'm not really extroverted like NTs. I work more, I write a lot for university. I don't use more alcohol or drugs. That's not my thing. But I have a greater sex drive and I spend more money.
So my hypomanic episodes can by more introverted, so that it's more difficult for others to notice it.
But I'm more creative, more productive and I have the feeling that I'm better in understanding social situations. But I'm not sure about that.
I don't have manic episodes.

For me the hypomanic happy moods are not usuable energy in a work setting it is too chaotic.
Outside of work it is just plain fun! I have absolutely no fear at all socially,activity wise when I go through it.
I usually do all the things I wouldn't normally have the courage to do (No drugs,alcohol).

I'm unable to do anything when I'm depressed.
I'm too tired and too fearfull.

But sadly I'm more depressed that I've happy-times.
I've the feeling that I'm first on the beginning from Bipolar or that I just have it slightly.
But my depressions are a lot stronger, that's for sure.

I'm to 99% sure, that I'm Bipolar.

I have all the classic symptoms and warning signs and even those symptoms what's typical for a bipolar depression.

I'm not sure if I should be happy about it or not...!?

Well okay, it's not the first time I'm under bipolar suspicion...!
So I kind of guessed, but it's still a bit different to know.

If I could, I would live a life in hypomania....!
Or at least in a "normal" mood.

Hypomania ain't good - imagine living your life in a constant state of fast forward. You have this irrational uplifted feeling all the time, and you feel super productive which you enjoy, but simultaneously you're always on edge, too hyper alert, and feel a constant compulsion to book up every spare hour of time you have in advance. People tell you you need to learn to chill out, to slow down and relax, but you just can't. Although you're always determined and full of energy after a time you start to have this simultaneous psychological bone deep weariness like you've lived forever and need to retire, but you can't. Your enormous ambitions always supersede your abilities and your trivial human concerns, and striving for them becomes the only noble goal in life - everything turns to black and white; success and failure, and failure is irredeemable, inconceivable, worse than death. As your vision narrows down towards these impossible goals everything else starts to become irrelevant; your friendships, family, love, health, even your own happiness. Nothing else matters. You are in a semi-religious state of pure ambition and determination but you don't realize that you're letting the true joys and achievements in life pass you by until you slowly or suddenly come down. But then sanity is either brief or non-existent, because you drop, fall into darkness. You become numb and disassociated from external reality. You lose energy, drive, and despair threatens to overwhelm you. Again, your vision narrows. The only saving grace is your deep and purifying self loathing, which drives you forwards. Your impossible goals soar even higher and your only hope of redemption is in achieving them, or death - as you do not deserve to live if you cannot make something of yourself. It becomes a matter of do or die, where you alternate between doing with a dull grinding desperation, or being able to do and wanting to die. Everything else external to that because superfluous and meaningless.

The true purpose of life is in the journey, and not the destination. Bipolar robs you of that. Hypomania is fools gold - and I believe all people who have truly experienced hypomania know this but the reason some long for it anyway is either from the depths of despair (in depression, anything shiny can be desirable even if it's poison), or because they base their self worth on what they are able to do when under the influence and don't think they have the ability without it - like the drug addict who keeps going back for more in spite of knowing it is destroying their relationships and their quality of life because they feel they can't live without it.

^ or then again, maybe people just prefer to delude themselves that hypomania is awesome and doesn't have consequences. Maybe after several years of constant cycling I'm just old and tired.

Well yes it's kind of true, it wouldn't work out for an entire life.

The last two years I was depressed nearly all the time, because to my bipolar I also had a trauma.
Now most of my traumasymptoms are gone and first I felt mixed and now mostly just slightly hypomanic and since two years it's the first time I feel alive.

Depressions are terrible, but traumas are even more terrible.
Now I'm just happy, that I have most of it behind me. Not fully, but most.
I believe that pushed a slightly hypomanic episode again and pushed me out of my depressions after such a long time.

Last edited by Raziel on 13 Aug 2012, 6:38 am, edited 1 time in total.