Bipolar/Aspergers support and chat thread

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Joined: 6 Jul 2012
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12 Aug 2012, 12:15 pm

I've thought I might be bipolar, but if I was I'd be Ultradian Bipolar, as I can switch between severe mania, and severe depression in cycles of less than 24hours. Because of it a lot of people think I'm a habitual drug user.

It's one of my many many many problems. Actually just got over a manic period, in which I was dancing around and didn't care that my arm had been pulled out of it's socket because everything was too happy. Now I'm on the downside... ugh...

sunshower
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12 Aug 2012, 7:47 pm

idratherbeatree wrote:

yes I'm an ultradian cycler, although sometimes I had cycles lasting longer. It can make your behaviour very erratic.

Raziel, I guess you're right in that hypomania can sometimes be a lifesaver in that sense.

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idratherbeatree
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12 Aug 2012, 10:07 pm

sunshower wrote:

idratherbeatree wrote:

What's it like for you? For me, when I'm manic I'll move erratically like I'm dancing, I'll stim in excess, I'll say the same thing over and over, and am basically in love with EVERYTHING. Sometimes I get amazingly stupid thoughts. (Such as, I like poking myself with sharp things, so clearly stabbing myself must feel amazing.)

I switch in the blink of an eye. Earlier today I was crying my eyes out for a few hours and then in less than a minute I became excited about going outside and wanted to go get something to eat, and all sorts of random stuff.
But I'm not normally like that, cause my emotions tend to stay in a middle ground. And I do flip, but I just sort of mirror my emotion at the time. So If I'm a little happy, I'll become a little sad, very happy is very sad, etc etc. It's when I react to things that make me very happy or sad, or excite me, that I get set off. For example right now I'm being set off because It's fall, which makes me very happy.

sunshower
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13 Aug 2012, 6:15 am

idratherbeatree wrote:

sunshower wrote:

idratherbeatree wrote:

A bit like that, although it's fairly constant for me (although since meds the extremes haven't been so extreme). When high I'm physically bouncy, very childlike, have a tendency to binge on sugar, and talk very rapidly - basically I'm super hyperactive and energetic. I tend to have inflated self esteem too, I obsess about future goals and high ambitions. When I drop I get anhedonia plus I also get very physically tired. I have depressive thoughts, my self esteem goes to hell (I perseverate on how s**t I am and how much I hate myself) and often am very poetic, sometimes morbid, anti-social. When I am high I am either hypersocial and extremely extroverted or completely cut contact with the outside world and obsessively pursue my interests in a sort of euphoria

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Raziel
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13 Aug 2012, 7:03 am

sunshower wrote:

Raziel, I guess you're right in that hypomania can sometimes be a lifesaver in that sense.

Most of my episodes are longlasting, more depression than hypomania, no mania.
But also a lot of mixed episodes, but also they are different and a lot of times stable in their symptoms.

Also right now I'm a bit mixed.
I'm mixed most of the time I guess.

I'm in a good mood, but still a bit anxious and I worry a bit.
And sometimes my mood is "too good".
But I sleep normal.
So alltogether I guess I'll be also stable in this mood for a while, until it changes again.
I'm since years never really totally "normal".

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Kalinda
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13 Aug 2012, 4:38 pm

effing mad, frustrated, confused....for a reason.

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CloudLayer
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15 Aug 2012, 6:01 pm

I am sorry to hear that Kalinda.

I don't know if this is the right thread to post in but at this point I don't know what to do. I don't mean to post anything disturbing for its own sake I just have nowhere left to say this. If I say it to anyone in real life I will get taken to the hospital against my will and medical care for depression let alone lesser-known things like Asperger's (not a disease no but requiring of different things than for people of typical neurologies) is truly in the dark ages and has caused nothing but compounded suffering for me. I am thinking of buying a gun to kill myself with, it's the only thought that brings me any kind of relief any more. This has to be a bad dream. It HAS to be. There is no point to suffering on this level, there is no reason for life to be this cruel. I am disconnected from everything that's good and am hopeless. I was a different person not extremely long ago but there's nothing left to me now except suffering. I feel like my brain has been eaten away. This is not a life.

sunshower
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16 Aug 2012, 3:03 am

CloudLayer wrote:

Hello CloudLayer. You're fine posting this here, you could also post this in the Haven to get some support there if you like. Are you bipolar or suffering from straight depression? Which medications have you tried? If you are suffering from straight depression SSRI's or SNRI's are what you should be put on - but you have to take into account that they don't kick in straight away, often it can take several weeks so you need to wait.
I know what it's like to be in hell and what you're going through is something most people will not be able to comprehend. I think what helps me most is to try and disconnect myself from emotion as much as humanly possible and think as objectively about the situation as I can. If you were different not so long ago then chances are the episode will end and you will revert back. Most major depressive episodes last around 6 months (I think it was) so it's definitely not for life, although they can come back. And even if you have lost faith in medicine there are ways to tackle this, and sometimes it's just a case of being on the wrong meds.

But anyway, might sound morbid but I too find sometimes imagining ways to kill myself was the only way I felt better when depressed - I think it's really important though to keep that distinction between imagination and reality apart - what makes you feel better in imagination will not make you feel better or fix things in reality. Sometimes it simply boils down to a matter of toughing it, of withstanding, while you fight back - and fighting back doesn't mean giving up on medicine. But besides medicine there are other ways to fight it - controlling your diet, exercise, and sleeping patterns as best you can can help. Exercise especially can be a good weapon against depression as it acts as a natural anti-depressant by increasing dopamine levels in the brain. I find personally that non-vigorous exercise such as walking is not so useful, but if I engage in more hard core exercise like running, strength, parkour, etc. then it can "override the fog" so to speak.

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CloudLayer
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16 Aug 2012, 10:38 pm

sunshower wrote:

CloudLayer wrote:

I don't know re: bipolar. Thank you for the advice. I am thankful you understand about it being hell. I am not feeling so good. I will try to write something that actually contributes to this discussion later on, I know this is nothing.

Johnq
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22 Aug 2012, 7:40 am

This is interesting. Didn't know of any others with Bi-polar and autistic.

Well I'm Bi-polar with the mania which I'm just now trying to control with Seroquel and Zoloft but the doses must still be too low.

I go for my official Autism evaluation next week and I'm so nervous!

One day they are going to throw me in a strait jacket...

Raziel
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23 Aug 2012, 8:24 am

Johnq wrote:

This is interesting. Didn't know of any others with Bi-polar and autistic.

It's even very common, so far I know.

See here:

High prevalence of bipolar disorder comorbidity in adolescents and young adults with high-functioning autism spectrum disorder: a preliminary study of 44 outpatients. (click)

A systems biological study on the comorbidity of autism spectrum disorders and bipolar disorder (click)

Autism and Familial Major Mood Disorder: Are They Related? (click)

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postpaleo
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23 Aug 2012, 11:36 pm

There is no poster child for BP, just as there isn't for AS. We come in blends.

No one can figure out the indivudal and glad of it, be proud with what you have. Believe me, some have less, desipte the hell of it. And I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

They nail me with all the subject headings above, in one form or another and probably a few what ain't listed, cept Tourettes, I mean I swear alot, but...oh hell, I never even told them about that part and it wasn't swearing.... what don't I have? It sure feels like that sometimes, cept I'm old and don't give a s**t anymore I'm allowed and so are you, just be good to yourselves, if not? Talk.

aussiebloke
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26 Aug 2012, 10:32 pm

sunshower wrote:

Raziel wrote:

If I could, I would live a life in hypomania....!
Or at least in a "normal" mood. :wink:

Hypomania ain't good - imagine living your life in a constant state of fast forward. You have this irrational uplifted feeling all the time, and you feel super productive which you enjoy, but simultaneously you're always on edge, too hyper alert, and feel a constant compulsion to book up every spare hour of time you have in advance. People tell you you need to learn to chill out, to slow down and relax, but you just can't. Although you're always determined and full of energy after a time you start to have this simultaneous psychological bone deep weariness like you've lived forever and need to retire, but you can't. Your enormous ambitions always supersede your abilities and your trivial human concerns, and striving for them becomes the only noble goal in life - everything turns to black and white; success and failure, and failure is irredeemable, inconceivable, worse than death. As your vision narrows down towards these impossible goals everything else starts to become irrelevant; your friendships, family, love, health, even your own happiness. Nothing else matters. You are in a semi-religious state of pure ambition and determination but you don't realize that you're letting the true joys and achievements in life pass you by until you slowly or suddenly come down. But then sanity is either brief or non-existent, because you drop, fall into darkness. You become numb and disassociated from external reality. You lose energy, drive, and despair threatens to overwhelm you. Again, your vision narrows. The only saving grace is your deep and purifying self loathing, which drives you forwards. Your impossible goals soar even higher and your only hope of redemption is in achieving them, or death - as you do not deserve to live if you cannot make something of yourself. It becomes a matter of do or die, where you alternate between doing with a dull grinding desperation, or being able to do and wanting to die. Everything else external to that because superfluous and meaningless.

The true purpose of life is in the journey, and not the destination. Bipolar robs you of that. Hypomania is fools gold - and I believe all people who have truly experienced hypomania know this but the reason some long for it anyway is either from the depths of despair (in depression, anything shiny can be desirable even if it's poison), or because they base their self worth on what they are able to do when under the influence and don't think they have the ability without it - like the drug addict who keeps going back for more in spite of knowing it is destroying their relationships and their quality of life because they feel they can't live without it.

Wow you nailed it their sunshower esp so bold :thumright:

I used to have friends in that state (I was able to keep them amused :wink:

)

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Mayel
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28 Aug 2012, 5:19 pm

Hey,
I wonder if I suffer from a mood disorder.

I often have phases of deep depression, sometimes lasting very long. It started around 14 years of age. When I say deep, I mean like I lose every bit of energy and only want to sleep and don't care for doing things.
But when I was 21 I suddenly had a phase of maybe one year or many months (not sure anymore) where I felt like I've never did since. Very energetic, I wanted to do a lot of things, I felt confident I could do everything I set my mind to do, and I indeed did a lot of things, I didn't need much sleep and I wasn't sleepy. I felt confident about myself. I sometimes felt really fidgety when I had to just sit or read, I wanted to do something all the time. I spoke my mind a lot, even to the point of saying rude things (I couldn't control it), probably even hurting other peoples or their relationships with me. I made jokes, I was much more open and social. People asked me what had happened to me and looking back at that time, I wished that everybody who knew me at that time, forgets what I did or said at that time. It wasn't really me. But that was the only time I ever felt like that (now I'm 24).
(On the other hand, I'd like to feel like that again because I would accomplish a lot more than usual and I'm sociable.)
Oh, and within that elevated state I developed a delusion which died down after a time.

I know only experts can diagnose something but I want to see your opinion on this.

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Raziel
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29 Aug 2012, 1:26 am

Hey Mayel

Let's just imagine you were hypomanic with 21. Well it's possible, but I wonder, if it started with around 14 and you are 24 now, that would mean that you have mood problems since 10 years and in all this time just one hypomanic episode doesn't really sound much to me.

Well it's possible and in the end just an expert can tell, but I would say that it was something like a late puberty or young adulthood thing you experienced at this time or something else.

I have to add, that I'm not sure and that's just my opinion not knowing you.
I'ts just what I read.
Just an expert can tell for sure.

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Mayel
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29 Aug 2012, 3:41 am

Raziel wrote:

Hey Mayel

Let's just imagine you were hypomanic with 21. Well it's possible, but I wonder, if it started with around 14 and you are 24 now, that would mean that you have mood problems since 10 years and in all this time just one hypomanic episode doesn't really sound much to me.

Well it's possible and in the end just an expert can tell, but I would say that it was something like a late puberty or young adulthood thing you experienced at this time or something else.

I have to add, that I'm not sure and that's just my opinion not knowing you.
I'ts just what I read.
Just an expert can tell for sure.

I thought that was strange, too like is that possible, I don't know. Maybe I'm just sensitive....

I went to a counselor but haven't told this person about my hypomanic-looking/sounding episode (and delusional phase), just the depressive ones. And the counselor said maybe, as far as the depression goes, it's just a remnant of neuroplasticity.
And I didn't tell about that other thing because I thought it won't come back anyway since it hasn't until now...so....probably not of importance.

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Knowing / that I could walk seventeen miles through a ravine / in the heart of Toronto,
and never / directly see the city/ is of some comfort

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