Say Something Random: psychological Conditions Version

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Don't care enough if I'd survive up to tomorrow or in the next 70 years.
Doesn't make me cherish life more, doesn't make me more worried of wasting time.

Best I'd get is either temporary nihilism or temporary spiritual insights of how a soul would live this existence. Equally meaningless.

All I have in mind is to get over whatever's obstructing me with unnecessary experiences.

Regrets?
Regrets only comes up in certain states; like the sudden realization of wasting your own time, suddenly having the energy or need or whatever mission -- only for that realization to disappear by feeling too tired and existing felt just dragging wanting it to be over than extend and 'hope' to 'live'.


I experience contrasts too much.

Even to a point I envy those who would just feel something more constantly -- constantly depressed? Constantly anxious? Constantly tired? Even constantly angry, constantly lonely...

At least in such span of time, one gets to process and accept such state for having to be in such state for so long.

Me?
I have too many transitions, wasting too much time 'adjusting' in every transition, and most at the time not finished adjusting before the next transition came.
Like inside me is too fast -- faster than the outside.

I don't even need to change my environment and external situations. Nothing is settled. I'd be happy, I'd be sad. I'd be inferior, I'd be superior.

Nothing sticks. Not even fear. So I got nothing to identify with but inanity of inconsistency.

Too much contrast.
That's my main complaint.

Everyone says that's the fact of life -- but that's only because they have internal regulation and can adjust to said transitions when I couldn't.

Change is still change. Switch is still switch.
Even if it's invisible. Internal.

Imagine you are forced to change venues without any short notice. Several times a day.
Except imagine that's how it is in the inside instead. No time to settle, no time to memorize or recall had you previously been there, no time or space to space in between transition.
And the time you need to adjust is a whole day.

So I spent more time frustrated. Then not -- then frustrated again. Even frustration gets interrupted. Why am I just not 'used to it' by now?

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If I wasn't just a little bit narcissistic then I think I'd probably be dead

i look forward to heaven for sure but not as much in the last few years.

Not alot of interest in extending my Life span .. . But would like to keep what health I still have . Good to find company, I think,that you can cohabitate with .. Perhaps with some similiar interests .. . .am still hoping that could happen again in my life .. ... not even worth to be depressed these days .. . . gotta keep on keepin on .. .

Me?

I just want to... Fly.
Be free. And that freedom comes with responsibility.
But I cannot handle that much responsibility -- at least not consistently. That's what frustrates me.

Moments I thought I have it -- only to lose it.

How am I going say it? Am I capable or incapable?
Can I afford to have that amount of confidence or not? Consistent confidence demands consistent performance.

I can have confidence and performance -- on what moments or when, it's always uncertain.
I do not have consistency.


Tried to narrow my work to a nightshift 4 hrs and remote, while accommodating with my sleep schedule.

It's not enough. The problem is my body.
I can do very much nothing and afford to do so -- but the changes I kept having to adjust on a regular basis still exists.

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I am officially seeing a therapist now for my relationship issues. I found someone to do telehealth visits with me. We had a 15 minute consult to see if we were a good fit. Then had the first meet which was paperwork, getting my history and all that jazz. But yesterday was our first actual session. I'm feeling cautiously optimistic about this and honestly, I think a bit excited to. I think I'll be learning some good stuff. The guy does a lot of dbt and mindfulness things and I'm liking where this is all going so far. I had a weird aha moment yesterday about mindfulness. In the past I used that stuff for ocd and then for grounding myself during trauma work. But yesterday the therapist guy got to talking about mindfulness as being used for stress reduction, increasing self control, engaging life in more open/honest/enjoyable ways, and connecting to the world. It had not occurred to me to use those skills to things outside my own head. If that makes sense. There's more to it all than mindfulness and the guy gave me a ton to chew on. Yeah. I do believe I am excited about this. Should be good.

That sounds really positive

I'm in a state of depression and disassociation right now. Spring weather isn't what it used to be and I'm reading about the Holocaust. I'll wear my London cap to Stepping Stones. It will be just like Halloween. My warm cup of coffee is my only hope.

Yeah hot drinks are a great comfort

^^^^^ Big Smiles ^^^^^.
Warm drinks ....but am not a chronic drinker of coffee on a daily basis ..get a tolerance to the stuff, if using constantly

No money for series of checkup
No money for therapy

Not enough articulation
No public understanding of my condition

Lots of search engine time research mode
Too much time on my hands

Only minimum money
Experimenting with supplements every few months

I'm not done yet
Or am I being deceived by my 'wellbeing' again?

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