Bipolar/Aspergers support and chat thread

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Hi. I'm officially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and that's kind of close to bipolar, for example moodswings are a big part of both. I thought I had OCD and that there are strange things about me (socially, hypersensitivity to stimulation, being alone for most of my life, things related to empathy and just AS stuff in general) my whole life until a friend who has asperger's told me few months ago that she doubts I have it, so I looked it up and it explained much of how I feel, and that I don't have OCD. So I'm self-diagnosed with AS. I can't verify the AS as I don't have access to psychiatric help anymore because I'm a poor student and I don't have money for it, and even when I did, it didn't help me. In my country psychiatric therapy is all about medicine, and medicine didn't help. I'd feel good for a while but seems my body builds tolerance to medicine really fast that after ~1 month everything is back to as if I take no medicine. My environment doesn't help as I live with my family and they are quite dysfunctional and even gave me hell for seeing psychiatrists. I'm a university student and I'll graduate next June and I'm struggling to go through every day, I'm really tired of being so different and alone and I'm so tired of having no control over my emotions (borderline) and mood swinging from "I'm ok, I'll make everything awesome and I will be happy" to "I want to die" more than once a day, even more than once in only one hour. People have always tell me that I'm mature for my age and the few friends I've had through my life were/are mostly older than I was/am, and I've always found it really difficult to get along with most people. In "real life" if I am with someone they just keep talking and talking and they don't listen to me, and honestly I don't feel comfortable to talk with them about myself because my thoughts are always irrelevant to them (me being on different wavelength than them, being "mature" and having different interests) and I'm really tired of that. I want someone care to listen to me and pause to give me a chance to think and talk and to know when I feel tired and sick of them talking and talking and talking. I have difficulty saying "no" or saying "I'm tired of talking, leave me." but I'm sure it is really obvious by my facial expressions and responses yet people don't seem to be able to have the empathy nor consideration to care when this happens. Currently I have no friends in "real life" (there are few people at university of the kind I just ranted about, and I'm sick of them. they consider themselves my friends but I don't consider them my friends) and I have 5 friends on internet from other countries than mine. I only had two real friendships in "real life" and I am 23 years old. These two friendships were from when I was 11 to 14 years old, I've been alone before and after that. I feel like I'm 60. Or actually, I feel like I'm already dead. I'm sorry for the rant and for poorly formatting it as a single big paragraph but I am sad and tired, and I have flu.

I'm diagnosed bipolar with mainly hypomania and Im on moodstabilizer, lamotrigin, but I think Im getting imune against them cause my swings are getting worse again

Right now I have no motivation at all to do anything usefull and this is usually torture for me cause I hate wasting time and when Im hypomanic I can study about 16 hours per day and now I havent been able to do anything for more than 5 minutes for almost a week and right now I really dont care at all, I just want to stay inside and listen to music I dont like and sit on the sofa and do nothing.
But I also know that this isn't me at all and that I will have lots of anexity later and want to compensat whitch will contribute more to getting another down swing in a while. Im used to having my mood swing greatly without any correlation with what is acctually going on in my life but now I also got very betrayed by a close friend two days ago and I can see clearly if I'm extra down cause if that or if it's just the delutions that always come with depression.
Thank you for listening (reading)

Can anybody who read my last post in this thread (4 posts up) please tell me honestly and plainly no matter how "negative" could possibly be their thoughts about it?

Why are you ignoring me? People always ignore me, I have an inherent repellent to people whether online or in real life. I could never know what it exactly is, I don't know if it's my appearance, my voice, my words, the country I was born in or what. It's just always there no matter what and it makes everyone decide that I don't deserve things that human beings need. I will never know what it is because I am ending my life.

sininen, the reason I didn't answer was A) I haven't been online to answer for a while and B) I have a crappy attention span and tend to skip blocks of text. BPD is hard to deal with but I hope you're not really going to end your life. Please call a helpline, or go to the hospital. They can get you through this. My only advice from your other post is to find a good doctor, and try and get into the therapy program. I don't know where you live but in my city there are programs where you learn DBT, dialectical behavioural therapy, which has been shown to be effective in helping people with BPD manage their symptoms. The woman who developed it had BPD herself.

To bring this back to bipolar, I recently spent 3 weeks in the hospital getting my medication adjusted. They put me on lithium. Even though I have bipolar I, I've never been on a mood stablizer. I'm really hoping lithium is going to be good for me. Theatre is my thing and I auditioned for things this year at university but didn't get any roles, despite feedback that my audition was mind blowing. My close friend asked around every time and I ALMOST got cast several times, I was the runner up for the part a lot, and by the end of my auditions, they could tell I was experiencing mental health issues. And after the hospital, I dropped my classes at school to focus on my health.

So here's hoping that when I go back, I can be the winner, not just the runner up.

^ similar here. I try to answer as much as possible but I am very scatty with responding. Sininen I hope you are feeling better and not still seriously considering ending your life. There are always things to live for, if only to experience the sights sounds tastes etc the world has to offer.

I recently discovered that I have bipolar disorder on top of my Aspergers, which I found out it is a horrifying combination. I'm mostly depressive, but when the manic hits I feel like I'm untouchable. I, m on two types of medication. One is Citalopram, an antidepressant, and Divalproex, a mood stablizer. Both lately haven't been as helpful as I live with family members with varying problems that range from bipolar to fibromyalsia (makes em cranky). One sibling has really bad bipolar, but refuses to acknowledge it and refuses treatment, thus I get most of the grief from her attitude and mood swings, thus one of the reasons I'm on medication in the first place. Guess thats it

I came across Wrong Planet when I googled the internet for help with social skills. I difficulty understanding social codes and behavior and as a result have trouble integrating into groups and making friends.

I don't know if I have Bipolar or Aspergers but seem to have some traits of both.

I struggle with organizing myself, anxiety, and understanding social signals.

This website does look very helpful.

Hello Sininen,

How are you feeling? You are not alone. I just joined this discussion group and I will reply to you posts.

You matter, you are important. So please keep sending your posts.

Also, sometimes it is a good idea to join more than one discussion group. There are many discussion groups on this site and on other websites. Sometimes you can get more replies to your posts on other chatgroups so joining other groups is worth a try.

Don't give up hope. The answer to your problem is out there and you are going to find it. Everything is going to be ok.

Foreigner

I am honestly stuck for a solution at the moment.
I was diagnosed with aspergers about 12 months ago and have been showing all the symptoms of ultra rapid cycling bipolar including severe mania, delusions and auditory and visual hallucinations. A consellor i see says I have bipolar as well. I have been hospitalised twice for being completely psychotic. The last time I was admited I was told that "the public system is geared towards only treating severe mental illness which is schitzophrenia" and that they recomend getting a private psychiatrist to get properly diagnosed and treated which I cant afford.

So I am left without options, the episodes are getting more frequent and I am having a bad day and I can feel it is going to be a really bad episode.

I don't expect help, it is just something I wanted to say outloud as such

I technically have bipolar 2, but I changed shrinks a little too soon to find out the "official" diagnosis. Partly cos I reacted so badly to antidepressants that my mum refused to trust the shrink after that... (he was the also the first one to suspect AS too, but all that happened, so nope...)

I was fine for months!
But then I had too much stress, too much stuff to do and drank some wine over the hollydays and now I feel like s**t again.

Okay I have to live like a "sick person", because I have a sickness and I have to live with it.