Suicide is Painless

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dantac...the problem with that is that you can't leave yourself behind...what good does it do to go away if you will find yourself in the same situation soon enough?

More and more, the way I see it is I have so little stamina for social interactions that it severely limits my chances of stumbling onto a lucky break. I don't hate ALL humans, I would miss a bunch of them were I to become isolated.



Strange, I feel the opposite, if I know I have a social thing the next day, or the same day, or even in the same week, I feel anxiety. I become unable to sleep. Unable to properly function. The fact that other people will be having an influence on the goings about of my immediate life is a great source of stress. But I do enjoy meeting people from time to time. But I hate having these things preplanned in advance because of the anticipatory anxiety it produces.



And artists who make no money get NO respect. I suppose anyone making no money gets no respect. But yeah, you're right, about scientists having it easier, but not for the same reason you state. Science is the same as art, it comes from within, it is a creative endeavor. You have as many possible directions to go in. It's easier because there's more demand for science skills than artistic skills, and the sciences are way less full of talentless hacks than the arts.



Yep. Thought of that many times, with the exact same reasoning, why not just leave this life behind and start anew somewhere else. Well, it's not about wanting to get away from myself, I like myself, I hate my life, there's a distinction. But Fade has a point, I have little hope that things would be different somewhere else. It's not like NTs aren't EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE. I am beginning to feel extreme rage about this. Their social games are making the planet slowly unsuitable for human life. Their social games make them f*****g kill each other for no real good reason other than greed and wanting to feel superior. You know that there is enough resources in the world to support 20 billion people. If only we would f*****g SHARE! Goddamn.

Last edited by cornelius6 on 04 Aug 2011, 12:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

Cornelius, you're a sweet lovely person who brings beauty and happiness.

About the resources for all: I agree. There are. Would you want to try to organize it so that everybody gets the resources they need? Would that give you a reason to live? One person can do a lot with a new idea. And others will follow them and build in the new structure.

The last couple of years with my writing I have experimented with the approach, my reader is slightly smarter than I am, he or she just don't happen to know my particular topic.

And yet . . .

People are such f*****g idiots, they really are! They've done an experiment on identifying the length of lines, but it was really about group conformity. And even with something as clear and unambiguous as the length of a line, people conformed to the group and said that a clearly shorter line was the longest. This was the Asch conformity experiment. And then there was the Milgram obedience study. Yes, people will give painful electrical shocks to a stranger under the guise of a BS learning experiment, and people will allow themselves to be cowed or fooled or tricked by the experimenter. Actually, one third of the people stopped before the end, which from what I've seen of how people actually act in groups, is better than average! So, two-thirds continued to the end giving what they believed were painful electrical shocks, merely because some authority told them to (Harvard, white coat). One third stopped before the very end, still far too late, but I guess deserve a little credit.

I think I understand 'normal' people better than they understand me. I mean, I understand, okay, this seems to be the dominant group feeling, or the most outspoken people, so the group rolls forward, almost regardless of facts. And yes, I understand that politics is both perception and reality.

And most people hardly seem to try at all.

So, an obvious tension . . .

And I don't think there is a clear cut answer. I guess the times I have the energy, I can be open to someone new who might appreciate someone who's different, or maybe it's not even a big issue to them, I'm just a fellow human being. And when I don't, I don't. And my life would be easier, too, if I had friends and family who accepted me and more than that, appreciated me, and my life would also be more flowing and more productive.

And I suppose I can't hurry growth on someone else's part, any more than I can pull up a plant from its roots and make it grow faster.

And the part about people not respecting artists who don't make money. When I was in my mid twenties, and probably appeared to be in my late teens, I would often tell people I was a writer. Almost the first question out of their mouths was, have you published anything? It struck me as rude. They're essentially asking if I'm any good. Or they're trying to peg me in some social hierarchy. And they are not trusting their own judgement. They have to again lean to the group's judgement.

Chocolate chip cookies.........they saved me........

I have only attempted suicide one time (ironically it was over a guy and I ended up in the hospital on Valentines day - I had NO idea that it was Valentines day, that's how messed up I was - I felt like such a tool. The stupid nurse came in and WISHED me a happy Valentines day! I felt like screaming at her!) but I have thought about doing it countless times over the years. One time I was REALLY serious and I had to rack my brain to come up with something to LIVE for, I decided I was going to live ONLY for what made me happy, and the only thing I could think of was chocolate chip cookies. Warm, gooey, fresh cookies hot out of the oven. That thought alone kept me from offing myself. That ONE thought. I just figured, hey, the happiness I get from biting into that cookie? If that's as happy as I'll ever get, I guess that's not bad - good enough for now anyways. It kept me going.......

Try to find YOUR version of the chocolate chip cookie, you know what I mean?

I tried to commit suicide once by strangling myself with my own belt , but the thought and angst of dieing was enough to stop me. Now i see a doctor about all my problems , i still get suicidal thinking at times , but i don not act it out , i fear death.