Wishing disabilities on oneself

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because I wasn't, didn't understand it and it seemed so limiting.

Many years down the line I still wouldn't really want to be, but would sometimes just like to take a holiday from my head (that didn't involve drugs and a hospital visit).

Yes. I often wish I were deaf. I wish I were really sick so I would feel justified in feeling bad often. I sometimes wish for more severe autism so I can feel disconnected from words and people-things.

I will say that I have a love-hate relationship with mental insanity. I read up on it a lot and have been diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, ocd, and social phobia. I think I have aspergers and avoidant personality, as well. I am fine with this. the more they say I have, the more I understand about the many facets of myself. I will also say that sometimes I am happy to be nuts. I don't know that I would go so far as to say I wish for illnesses, but I do look at schizophrenia with longing eyes, which I guess is worrisome. they originally thought I had schizoaffective, which, to be honest, excited me. now they say I have bipolar type 2, but I have had psychosis before - though not in the last year - so I don't think that diagnosis is correct. I think if I have bipolar - and I probably do, even though I sometimes don't see it - then it is likely type one with psychosis. I don't have psychosis outside of a mood-related episode, so it is not SZA, which, again, sucks to me. I think my life would be much more interesting if I lived with psychosis all the time.

I am f*****g weird like that.

I've always liked getting sick. It gives me an excuse to take copious amounts of Nyquil, sleep all day, and stay home from work, lol. Plus I like to sing, and I've noticed that having a sore throat makes my voice sound all husky & sexay.

I can understand wanting to have a mental illness, it does kinda seem like it makes people more interesting. I've got schizoid personality disorder but I wouldn't want full blown schizophrenia though, not after seeing what my ex went through with it. I can't tell you how many nights I stayed up with him, just trying to comfort him cause the voices wouldn't let him sleep, or how many times he turned on me & almost hurt me b/c he thought I was part of some kind of conspiracy against him. It broke my heart to watch him go through that, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It's hell to feel like everyone's against you, and to have to listen to voices yelling at you all day long.

I really hate it too when people accuse me of just being a hypochondriac when I tell them about my various disorders. I don't get how knowing a lot about what's wrong with you means that you're just making it all up. A lot of people say to me, "There's nothing wrong with you, you seem fine!". Yeah, key word- SEEM. It's alllll acting, honey. If people could get inside my head they'd understand. That said, I am perfectly fine with my disorders & even embrace them. They make me who I am. I enjoy being quirky, weird, and living in my own little world.

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted here. I left because I thought I no longer belonged here, but what I said back in the first post in this thread seems to be becoming true. Two psychiatrists of mine (one of whom I haven't even met yet) both believe that I'm developing schizophrenia. It's not as much fun as I thought it would be, since so far I mostly only have negative symptoms.

I was referred to the aforementioned unmet doctor for testing for AS, but my other psychiatrist mentioned that she thinks it's schizophrenia, which she also evaluates for.

On Google I stumbled upon this, which describes me almost perfectly, even the varied diagnoses.

Also, for the past 2 weeks or so anhedonia has taken over me again, which is incredibly annoying.

I have more than a few different disabilities but I wished I had more disabilities years ago because I was having lots of problems due to my disabilities but my family & no one else was really aware of all the disabilities I had & I was not fully aware of all I was dealing with myself; I wished I had disabilities that others could easily quickly recognize so others would understand that I had legitimate problems so they would cut me some slack & help me out. I also wanted more disabilities because I felt like I was a complete loser & failure because I was not functional like others & I wanted to have a reason why that I could of used as an excuse or crutch to quit trying with things because I was tired of trying & failing & just wanted a break