Say Something Random: psychological Conditions Version

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I'd like to. I'll see how I go

One of the perks of not masking and as an aroace is that attempting to seduce me will be interpreted by others as 'creepy'...

They'll be the one who gets the scrutiny -- not me. What they do against me will be more about them than about me.

I'd end up with the opposite of being scrutinized instead.
Because of whatever assumptions they have over me as someone who doesn't pass for NT.



Well, I'm aware of the pros and cons of not masking, this culture and other factors around it, what to make do with what others perceive and what I have to manage around it.


Sometimes I wonder why others around this forum doesn't do the same?

Was this strategy incompatible with other cultures? I've seen closer to local accounts from my country and it seems that I'm still "luckier" than them.

Or even perceived as duplicitous or demeaning?
The former seem ironic, but then not masking doesn't truly necessarily mean open and honest, nor necessarily meant reckless and impulsive -- only that being open and honest about not being an NT.

Or was it something else? Was it something not easy to pull off?
I'm not aware if what I do is easy or not. I have no sample data nor reference that anyone does the same.

I cannot pinpoint which kind of social and cultural aspect or social skills I'm pulling off by using NTs' perception against them.

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My daughter doesn't mask either. It works for her but I think she's fortunate to have good people around her

Envy and jealousy... Feels more enlightening for me to point out a direction of who I want to be, than inspiration and admiration.
Both feelings for me are just rare.
I rarely be jealous and envious as much as I rarely look at someone in high esteem and aspire to be one of them.

Sort of how I lean towards anxiety to feel more alive and daring.



Ah, I don't know.
It sort of fits since I'm one of those 'negative type' person. And that 'backwards' processes.

Maybe negative is not the correct term.
Inversion? Subversion? One doesn't describe a person as 'inverted'. And the possible mental image is creepy lol.



"Inverted mindset"... I might've excel at this... Maybe TOO much.

Might be why self affirmation may not work with me -- and why self loathing baffles me.
Might be why I hate naysayers, and be annoyed at people who cheer and say they believe in me.

Might be why I rarely ever agree on anything.
Might be why I tend to think and search things in exclusion and specificity instead.

It can look like PDA or ODD. But there is more to it...
It's like my mindset and cognitive processes than personality.

.. And I do not know much about this except that I don't consciously do this. At all. It's automatic. And everyone else cannot help me with it because they don't know how to think the same way, on top of being autistic...

It might be why I kept explaining what is 'not'. Might be why I'm frustrated at common assumptions of terms.
Might be why I have to be very, very specific...

Might be why when someone asks me 'what do I want' -- The first thing that came to mind is what I DON'T want.
Might be why when someone asked me 'what to do' -- The first thing that came to mind is what NOT to do...

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I'm at about 27mg now and I'm actually feeling OK.

Does it really take me to be a real narcissist to start asserting my own boundaries?

I still cannot do the damn balancing act.
I cannot "assert" it's either suck it up or destroy the damn relationship.

I really wish I'm a narcissist. Really.
Like how I wish I'm a sociopath or a psychopath.
That these situations will be so normal that it'll just be predictable, it'll just be something to go about than being shocked all over.

Heck, sometimes I genuinely thought it's a way for me to stop hurting them; by being away from them.


But then again.

People cannot distinguish between me, really not wanting to do with people, with their minds and emotions at all -- from whatever assumptions they have about me 'neglecting them' or 'leeching them'.


People, just let me fricking go.

So there will be less further hurt, so there will be a more appropriate time other than the damnable aggressive state that will escalate the situation.


I want to leave, but people were being insistent about the shite idea of fixing.

And I don't know how -- really fricking don't know how. Except it involves invalidating and prosecuting me; apparently that will help me solve your damn problems.
Or whatever the heck you're demanding of me.

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Yeah just one more night at that strength and I'll go to 25mg.

I'm wondering whether my shallow emotions might be down to the medication because I've been using it for so long I can't remember but if I start crying all over the place and stuff then I'll know

No I made a mistake. I think I'll be down to 22mg tonight. So I've cut down more than 20 in the last less than a week I think

My diagnosis is a bit late because my household is poor.

It is still the most expensive thing I ever own.
If I'm diagnosed today, it will costs more than the laptop I'm using.

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Are you going for diagnosis today Edna or was you just saying that for this